M I’m calling in defence of the Montreal music scene. To all the whiners who call this line complaining, bitching and moaning, to anybody who takes issue with the talent, or lack thereof, in Montreal, you should have been at the MIKE WATT show at the Sala Rossa a couple of weeks ago. This man rolled in from San Pedro, California - a punk rock icon - rehearsed for an hour that day with four local musicians who, I gather, are from a couple of bands - I don’t know which bands, but these guys rock! So did Watt, but the backup band, the band that he played with, really, really, really kicked all fucking ass. Three local boys and one local girl done good and anyone who was there would agree with me. There’s definitely talent in this city - maybe it’s about looking for it instead of expecting to have it shoved in your face. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I was totally disappointed with the Roots show last Friday. I mean, Nelly? What the fuck? And what’s up with the Van Halen 45-minute guitar solos? Okay, they weren’t that long, but I still want my money back. [BLEEP!]

M I’m putting an end to all of this guitar talk. There are only four people that no male, female or even alien has ever come close to: Jimi Hendrix, Frank Zappa, Ritchie Blackmore and, probably Johnny Winter - even with his ARTHRITIS. Okay, that’s it. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. My name is Mike. I’m in a group called Group Project M and this is a message to Mark of Markus Designs. You’ve gotta return the art work, man. You can’t just rip off the art work and walk away. The band is waiting and now I have to go to the Rant Line™? Okay, you little fuck. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Montreal. I just had to call in and tell you my recipe for curing depression of these friggin’ freezing weekend mornings. First you do three HOT KNIVES - I’m from the Maritimes and that’s the way we do it there and, besides, hotknifing pot is the most potent and economical way of smoking it - then you put on Pat Metheny’s "Are You Going With Me?" off of the Off Ramp album and you listen and relax and, by the end of the song, you’ve got a great happy buzz and you’re ready for anything the weekend can hand to you. Trust me, it works. This is the cure for the winter blues. It’s very easy. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m just driving up St-Jacques and what do I see? I see a guy with a Southern flag, the Civil War flag, you know, from those guys who love slavery, those fucking Klansmen. What the fuck are the Klansmen doing in Montreal? This is not the deep south! I mean, stay in America where all the fucking losers and murderers and killers live. Why are you people coming here for the KKK? Okay, I guess the RACE WAR is coming along with all of the other wars. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. This is a message for the reversed penis fellow. I just wanted to tell you that my stepbrother had this trick that he called the BUTTERCUP. What would happen is he would push his penis inside his body so it would be pretty much inside out. It would stay that way for 30 seconds and then it would pop back out like a penis newborn. So I’m just phoning to let you know that you’re not alone - there are other buttercups out there just like you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F This is for the chickiepoo across the alley from me who likes to masturbate all night, every night, with the lights on and her blinds wide open. Stop it, all right? Or close you’re fucking blinds. My BOYFRIEND and I are sick of watching you RUB YOURSELF SILLY every time we go into the kitchen to get anything. Don’t you understand that NOBODY wants to see you doing this?! Show a little respect, please, ’cuz next time I’ll be calling the police instead of the Rant Line™. I’m serious. Close your blinds! Get yourself some dignity! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I’m just sitting here, watching porn with classical music over it. It’s really good, man. You gotta try it. It can’t be professional porn or anything like that, it has to be amateur porn or where professional guys go after amateur girls. The music has to be Mozart, Mozart is great. Seriously, when he made all of his music, I think he was secretly thinking about people fucking. I swear, this is the best stuff ever. It’s real Clockwork Orange. Oh, and you can have a sandwich at the same time too. But that’s optional. [BLEEP!]

F I’d just like to know where the hell I have to go to find some scuba divers? I need to find a buddy scuba diver. I’m going mad. I don’t want PERVERTS that wanna have sex with me necessarily, I just wanna have some scuba diver friends because I don’t have any now and I need some. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum