F This goes out to the wannabe COCKROCKER who feels he needs to validate his lack of guitar skills, zero talent and fear of feminism by stating that girls, in fact, SUCK at guitar and should, therefore, play naked. Obviously, buddy, you’re feeling pretty threatened by all the women that kick ass - especially yours - on any instrument in the scene. Kathleen Hanna, Kim Gordon, L7, Cobra Killer, Liona Boyd, Lydia Lunch, Sleater-Kinney, the Butchies, DNA, 7 Year Bitch and, locally, les Georges Leningrad. I could go on and on and on. If you don’t know any of these names and have the audacity to make such a claim, it’s because you’ve been haunting the local strip bars, not the local music clubs. You’re just an ignorant misogynist fuck who can’t seem to think past his insignificant thumb of a dick. [BLEEP!]

M To that feminist who wants to dictate to all men how to correctly adjust their behaviour in front of a bad female guitar player. If you want to be respected as a good female guitar player, you’re gonna have to play like a good male guitar player. Something many feminists don’t understand is that they are not born worthy of respect just because they are females - they have to work at it just like males do. And by the way, who cares about Jennifer Batten when they can have Jimi Hendrix, Jimmy Page or Eddie Van Halen? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, about girls sucking when they play guitar. I have two more words for you: Sue fuckin’ Foley. [BLEEP!]

M There’s no doubt in my mind that Jennifer Batten is a kick-ass guitar player, but face it, she’d be more entertaining if she was naked. That’s all I was trying to say in my rant. [BLEEP!]

F This is for that musical historian who is so astute that she might want to consider becoming a music writer for the GAZETTE. The Stooges came out in 1969, the MC5 in ’68, and Dee Dee Ramone, who came on to the scene in 1975, actually played bass. Jimi Hendrix, who sure as hell didn’t “invent” guitar distortion, first started getting attention in 1966. So perhaps you might want to do a minimum of research before calling other people on the Rant Line™ ignorant. And besides, Jimi Hendrix couldn’t play his way out of a wet paper bag. Put him beside a Randy Rhoades or a Richie Sambora and Hendrix is a joke. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I’d like to put an end to all this crap about who had the Jimi Hendrix sound first. Has anyone ever wondered why Ravi Shankar fit so well into the ’60s psychedelic era? Well, it’s because he played the sitar. Now the sitar has a PARABOLIC BRIDGE asymptotic to the strings. This produces multiple interruptions, overtones and pitch modulations in direct proportion to the intensity with which it is played, aka distortion. The sitar also has resonator strings that vibrate harmonically with the main strings and adds sustain to the main strings by the same principle, aka feedback. The sitar also has huge frets and loose strings that will bend four or five tones with a little pressure, aka whammy bar. And you know what? Ravi Shankar did not invent the sitar. It is over 4,000 years old. [BLEEP!]

F I want to say I know exactly how that girl feels about having a scene with two guys and how two cocks are always better than one. Well, sometimes better than one, at least. Why don’t you go to the swingers clubs if you want to find bisexual guys to make out with? You will find some there, for sure. I’ve been SANDWICHED by guys - and girls - many, many times and yeah, it’s usually a great time, but you better make sure that the guys you choose to make out with are cool. Because it’s not hard to find a couple of cute guys who will fuck you at the same time, but it is hard to find guys who aren’t jerks. And two cocks can be great, for sure, but two DRUNK assholes rubbing their dicks all over you and treating you like a slut for having sex with them is not. So yeah, welcome to a whole new world, chickie, and, I was also wondering, do you like girls? Because I’m sure I could introduce you to a few more new experiences you would definitely enjoy. What do you look like anyway? I’m a thin 31-year-old brunette with SMALL FIRM breasts. Rant back. Okay? [BLEEP!]

M This is a query for all of the male readers of the Rant Line™. Has anybody ever had REVERSED PENIS? I’m not talking about when you come out of a cold shower with your balls going back in to your stomach. I’m talking about reversed penis when you bend a certain way and it goes KRRRK. And not just for fat guys. Has this ever happened to anybody else - when it reverses itself and practically goes right back in to your belly? Anyhow, that’s the question. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum