M This goes out to that girl who was offended by the Moshcore flyer. First I just wanna say that it was a kick ass show. Now, your question was, what does a NAKED GIRL holding a guitar have to do with heavy metal? Very little. Apart from the guitar, nothing. You’re right. It has nothing to do with cancer either. But next year I’ll be sure to request a shot of a JOINT TUMOUR on the back of the ad. There’s something that has to do with cancer. Oh, and thanks for the free publicity. By the way, how can someone be naked when they’re wearing underwear? Contradictions collapse, don’t they? [BLEEP!]

F To the guy who said that girls suck when they play guitar: it seems that your ego is threatened by women who respect themselves and women who perform as well as men or better. To the guys who do respect women, call in and represent. And about girls sucking when they play guitar, I have two words for you: Jennifer Batten. [BLEEP!]

M I just want to say that distorted guitar did not begin with Jimi Hendrix. Guys like Pat Hare and Ike Turner were doing it years before Hendrix ever came on the scene. [BLEEP!]

M Just wanted to remind you all about a guy named Guitar Slim who was using distortion on his solos in the mid-1950. That’s right, experimental music existed long before the 1960s, all right? [BLEEP!]

F That fool should learn his history, man. Jimi Hendrix was okay, but lots of people were using distorted guitar before he ever thought it up. Ron Asheton from the Stooges, Wayne Kramer from the MC5, Keith Richards, DEE DEE RAMONE, all these guitarists used distortion long before Hendrix. So I think you should keep your mouth shut if you don’t have anything intelligent to say. But then again, I guess if you followed that rule, you’d be spending the rest of your life as a MUTE. [BLEEP!]

F I’m calling about the Donkeys. I just wanted to say that, even though I’m not a rocker, I went to check out one of their shows and the bassist is the absolute hottest guy on the face of the entire planet. So girls, all I’ve got to say is even though these guys are a bunch of stupid rockers, he’s worth it to go and see for youself. Because, baby, I’d get DOWN ON MY KNEES for him any day. [BLEEP!]

F Hello. This is Ashley and Shauna. We just came back from the Blue Rodeo concert and we just wanted to say that Jim Cuddy is f’in hot. He is so hot and the concert was amazing! And we’re just calling in because everybody is always bitching about how bad the music scene is, well, they should have been at this concert. Jim is hot and we all sang and it was fantastic! [BLEEP!]

M This is for the person who wanted to know why it is we call it a cookie and not bakie. Well, the true fact is that the word cookie comes from the Dutch word koekje which means “little cake.” Really, you’re not saying that it’s cooked, you’re saying that it’s a little cake. Which you would know if you’d taken 15 seconds to look in a fucking dictionary, you moron. [BLEEP!]

M For Nissin cup noodles, go to the corner of St-Laurent and de la Gauchetière, look for the store with the two guys in BLOODY APRONS chopping up stuff and you’re sure to find every kind of noodle imaginable. [BLEEP!]

F It seems to me that all men nowadays seriously want a CAREER WOMAN. I’m wondering if there are no longer any old-fashioned guys who wanna actually care for a woman, maybe be a provider in some fashion. I’m 21 years old, pretty cute and can’t seem to find one. [BLEEP!]

F Two boys, two boys at the same time! To all you girls on the Rant Line™ out there, if you haven’t done it with two boys then you can’t know what you’re missing - and what you’re missing out on is the best experience of your lives, for real, no shit, incredible! Two cocks, FOUR BALLS, two guys licking, humping and pumping away on you, it’s fucking amazing! And I’m not a slut or anything but I did two guys at the same time for the first time a couple of weeks ago, just to have fun and try it out, you know, and I fucking love it! [laughing] It’s all I think about. But my question is, I want to find some guys who will play with each other at the same time as they play with me, but boys don’t ever want to do this unless they’re already queer. So maybe somebody on the Rant Line™ can help me out. Where do I go in this town to find sexy boys who will let me watch them make out with each other and have a scene with me but who aren’t queer? Because if they’re just queer, this isn’t going to work very well for me. Please, rant back, I want to make this happen soon. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum