One more reason to drink at home
"More people are killed outside of fancy nightclubs on St-Laurent than are kicked to death by homeless people." » Old Brewery Mission director Reverend Robert Warren

Plus ça change
"Every once in a while some asshole decided to clean up the Main - they’d move the hookers off the street for a couple of weeks but they’d be back because the cops wanted the graft." » Paint magnate Phil Chamber, reminiscing about life and times on the lower Main in the ’30s

Anal in Rio
"Lemme tell you something. The only thing better than a Hungarian woman is a Brazilian woman. I think Brazilian women are more into anal. And that’s saying a lot, because Eastern European women love anal!" » Bill of Brooklyn rap group Non-Phixion

Good thing dogs don’t ride bikes or drink beer
"There are guys here offering me drugs, drinking beer and riding bicycles in the park - which is all against the law, technically. If you’re going to apply the law, why not to them too?" » Plateau resident Nelson Paciencia on the disproportionate amount of police attention paid to unleashed dogs in Jeanne-Mance Park

Environmental chic
"We’re concerned with the environment, but in a good way, a chic way." » Josianne Dubreuil of On and On ecolochic, discussing the benefits of their recycled clothing line

Another myth exposed
"My penis is the same size as everyone else’s." » Ti-Dan, entertainer/dwarf

Inane clown posse
"We have noses! We have wigs! We are tired of circus gigs!" » Chanted at a march organized by Wes Modes, a self-described clown disturbed that he and his brethren can only find work at circuses and birthday parties

Did you say your name was Miss Cleo?
"Everything he says is hate propaganda, calculated to incite violence. We expect broad student opposition." » Samer Elatrash, protest organizer, days before Benjamin Netanyahu’s scheduled lecture at Concordia University

Next thing you know they’ll be opening a McDonald’s up the street
"We’re a community of 20,000 people. We have one swimming pool that accommodates 300. It can barely accommodate the needs of this community on a nice day." » Westmount borough chairman Karin Marks, on the threat of non-residents coming en masse to do jackknives in the Westmount pool

Puke’s up!
"We generally clean up vomit more often than poop." » Lifeguard Evan Jones, on a few of the things he finds swimming around in the Montreal West public swimming pool

Lollipop logic
"Like, if I give lollipops to 100 people and 99 of those people eat it and enjoy it, but one person takes the lollipop and pokes it in somebody’s eye, does that mean I shouldn’t have given out lollipops?" » Deep thinker Andrew WK

Thank God for indoor plumbing
"Most of the people who’ve died from bites lived in the southern USA, back when people used to have outhouses. Black widows hang in dark and damp places, and usually guys would die because they’d go in the outhouse and let their balls drop. They’d get bitten on the scrotum and die from that. But it hasn’t happened much since people got indoor toilets." » Arthropod collector Vincent Joseph, on the menace posed by black widow spiders

Crank call victim in waiting
"I won’t complain when Rolling Stone calls and asks me to be on the cover." » Lipstick glam night hostess and Cherry Persuasion singer Lee-Lee L’ Amour

Hypnotist on the Main
"The people I meet there are true people. They tell it like it is. They’re on drugs and they’re interesting to listen and talk to." » Hypnotherapist Reuben Pecarve reflecting on the majesty of the Main

Stephen, Fred and Barney
"Stephen Harper not only opposes Kyoto, but he refutes the science. He’s back in the dinosaur era. Harper is just totally out of it." » David Suzuki, on Canadian Alliance leader Stephen Harper

Sporty spunk
"You can’t have a weak stomach on this job. Customers tend to be very sporty about where they ejaculate." » Roger Hemsley, cleaning attendant at Sauna 456

Assman
"I first discovered Wesley’s music when looking through a record store. I came across songs like “Lick a Llama’s Ass" and “I Whooped Batman’s Ass" and knew I was onto something!" » Filmmaker Daniel Bitton on the subject of his documentary, The Daddy of Rock and Roll, Wesley Willis

Fake vagina plug
"If I were a man I would definitely buy tons of them. The texture is so soft and they just feel really nice to touch. Putting your penis in one must be pretty nice too." » Annie Pelletier, manager of Sexe Cité, on artificial vaginas

Byrnes him up
"Whenever we hear about New York punk rock, we hear about the Ramones, Television, Richard Hell, the Talking Heads - but never the Dictators. We were beefy, sports-fan, stickball-playing guys from the Bronx, and that image just wasn’t embraced by a lot of the media, so they had to call the Talking Heads punk. The Talking Heads are a crap band and to call them punk is stupid - that music was just lame, tepid, art-rock fucking crap. What the hell does that singer guy have to do with rock ’n’ roll?" » Dictators singer Handsome Dick Manitoba

Asleep at the media switch
I asked [Israeli reporter Amira Haas] for her definition of journalism and she gave me the best definition I’d ever had. She said, “Journalism is about monitoring the sources of power." I used to think it was about, you know, telling the truth and being the first witness to history - which is true. But monitoring the sources of power is what we should be doing. The American press doesn’t do it. The Canadian press, unfortunately, largely doesn’t do it, the British press largely doesn’t do it. Monitoring the sources of power - what a wonderful definition. » War correspondent Robert Fisk, on the state of journalism today

It ain’t ignorance, pal
"Sometimes it’s ignorance, but hey, for all I know it could be that some people are opposed to our views." » Scientology auditor Darrel Schlereth on why people are quick to put down Scientology

Who’s minding the store?
"I’m convinced they’re going down. We’re constantly refereeing calls from collection agencies. Most of the time we have to say the owners aren’t here." » Anonymous Warshaw employee quoted last April

It’s got a g-good b-beat but c-can you d-dance to it?
"I don’t want the responsibility of being a good technical DJ. I want it to be fun and I want it to be funny, so if the CD starts skipping, fine with me." » Plastik Patrik

Now that’s entertainment
"Our final action in the performance is we all pee as a group on the floor." » Performance artist Juliée Andre T hyping her piece Problematique Provisoire

Squatter hype
"People, whether they’re homeless or young punks, have been squatting for a long time. It’s only recently that it’s become a media event." » Mathieu Theriault, one of the Overdale squat organizers and a Comité des sans-emploi activist

No, but seriously, don’t mince your words this time.
“Culture is important, but if you’re spending $280-million and they’re going to mount plays like the Owl and the Pussycat, then this is just entertainment for the bourgeoisie. Bourgeois art is not art because it does not oppose the dominant culture. And the dominant culture is evil because it helps bolster the credibility of the thieves, murderers and vandals who own the wealth, power, and government. So they can fuck themselves with their $280-million on that!" » Jake Brown, spoken word artist, commenting on the plan to build a new concert hall for the MSO

Ah, suburbia
"When I was growing up in Brampton in the ’70s, the white kids didn’t give a shit what my name was. It didn’t matter whether I was Russell or Sanjeet, they still tried to kick my ass." » Indo/Canadian comic Russell Peters

Disgusted putain
"There was a time when I felt truly disgusted by the idea that a man could ever get turned on by my book." » Author Nelly Arcan, discussing her book Putain, a diary of a prostitute

All aboard for Armageddon
"Only the Father knows the exact hour and the day. But I believe it is going to happen very soon. Please don’t forget though, that our message is positive. God will only destroy the wicked." » Léonce Crépeault, public relations officer for the Jehovah’s Witnesses on the subject of Armageddon

Just be thankful you don’t live on Big Fag Avenue
"The repercussions of living on a road called ‘Gay’ are not pleasant. The snide remarks and thoughtless comments are intolerable." » An anonymous resident of Gay Road in Montgomery County, Ohio

Say it isn’t so!
"The job of a singer is not to change the world, but to focus the feelings of people who want to change the world. As singer-songwriters we don’t have any answers." » Billy Bragg at an anti-capitalist convergence meeting in NYC as part of demonstrations against the World Economic Forum

Who you callin’ ugly, twerp?
"Sometimes people ask me, “Why do you make movies about such ugly characters?" I don’t feel that my characters are ugly, I think that’s more telling about the viewers themselves." » Filmmaker Todd Solondz

Questioning MADD
"Of course I feel tremendous sympathy for the personal suffering these individuals have had to endure, but good law is not made on the basis of emotion or hype. It’s got to be based on solid, objective facts and taken from there. What we’re really talking about by lowering the limit to .05 is criminalizing responsible people who may go out to see a hockey game and drink two or three beers." » Canadian Safety Council president Emile Therien on MADD’s campaign to lower the legal BAC level with respect to drinking and driving

Cop talk
"The Asians are the most violent. But you don’t hear about it. It stays in the community." » MUC police officer Benjamin Rochon, on the subject of local street gangs

We’re actually paid to eat donuts
"A lot of the people living here (Hochelaga/Maisonneuve) think we’re paid to handle noise complaints. Can’t they go tell their neighbour to turn down the music themselves?" » MUC police officer Nathalie Robert

You’re soaking in it!
"I don’t actually drink beer, I pour it all over my body and let it enter my pores. I was pickled in a keg of wine for two years and it’s the only way to preserve my body, otherwise I’ll decay. I have a doctor’s note." » Gunther of oompah-punks the Subumlauts

Biddle’s bazoombas
“My dad said, ‘All they want to do is see your ass!’ But I was a model for 15 years. Now that I’m in my thirties, well, I figure if someone wants to see my breasts, then whatever." » Stephanie Biddle on her nude girl-on-girl love scenes in the film Karmen

Class war
"We want to denounce gentrification. To me, it’s kind of like ethnic cleansing, only it’s done along class lines. It’s social cleansing, and that’s wrong. If we want to make the neighbourhood more prosperous, we should be giving the poor people here jobs. We shouldn’t be importing the rich and exporting the poor." » ADDS coordinator Richard Miron (the Association pour la défense des droits sociaux du Montréal Métropolitain), a poverty advocacy group in Hochelaga-Maisonneuve

Murder and other screenwriting crimes
"I think murder is more of a cliché. One out of every two movies has a murder in it. It’s not nearly that common in reality. You never see people shitting in a movie, and people do that once a day." » Filmmaker Gaspar Noé (Irreversible), when asked if he thought rape wasn’t becoming a bit of a cinematic cliché

Uh… or maybe not
"The other thing your readers might be interested in happens on Aug. 31, outside of Chicago, within airplane distance of Montreal. I’m going to be running the largest paintball competition ever. We expect 4,000 people to be fighting with paintballs." » Montreal ex-pat William Shatner, on what he’s been up to lately

Cancon abandoned
"Don’t get me started on Canada. We’re a country that doesn’t believe in ourselves. It’s clear to me - all of the filmmakers I know from the ’60s have been terribly treated by the film establishment." » Montreal filmmaker Larry Kent

Chubby chaser?
"I opened with ‘Fat Chicks,’ probably one of the best songs ever written. The lyrics go, ‘No one cares about big, fat chicks/Big, fat ass, big, fat tits/Eat your life away at the buffet.’ Now, what they don’t fucking realize is that I’m singing a song about how nobody cares about fat chicks anymore. Back in the day, man, when the first settlers came here, you wanted a big, fat, motherfuckin’ bitch, because she could pump out babies and live after and give milk to the kids. You have a skinny, anorexic hooker like we see in the magazines - sure, she looks nice, but she can’t pump out a kid without dying after." » Troublesome troubadour Mike Gee on the feminist underpinnings of the song that got him banned from Casa del Popolo

Same-sex marriage defence
"People who have been opposed to same-sex marriage have typically stated that something terrible will happen if it becomes a reality. But they’ve never really been able to point out what precisely those terrible things are. Marriage has always been an evolving institution. When divorce came along, the same conservatives argued it would mean an end to the institution. It hasn’t." » Kevin Bourassa, a Toronto author who found a legal loophole that allowed him to marry his boyfriend and challenge the Ontario government to officially register their union

What, me lesbian?
"I feel a commitment to all humanitarian causes and organizations." » Jodie Foster, when asked if she feels any specific commitment to the gay and lesbian community

Hard job
"You have to work extra hard. This is what makes you a professional porn actor. You have to leave her, go to the bathroom, close your eyes, fantasize and use your right hand. Get a raging boner going and then run back on to the set and yell, ‘Roll, shoot! Shoot!’ quick while it lasts." » Porn legend Ron Jeremy on working with actresses he finds unattractive

Planet Earth may not be doomed!
"If indeed the rule in the universe is that as soon as you develop the technology, you use it to destroy yourself and your planet, civilizations never get to be old, and then we won’t find anything. I would find the detection of a signal very helpful even if there is no information content, because it proves that it is possible to survive your infantile technological stage. It is possible to grow old." » Jill Tarter, astronomer and director of the the SETI institute, an organization involved in the search for ET intelligence

WHAT??!!
"We are informing you that we will be increasing your rent by four hundred and twenty five dollars ($425.00) to a total of nine hundred dollars ($900.00) per month. This increase will be effective starting July 1, 2002 till June 30, 2003." » Landlord’s letter to tenant dated early April

Music industry explained
"One of the things that really disturbs me is that, over the years, the music industry has become more and more dominated by corporate interests, as they are increasingly accountable to shareholders. What’s worse are these corporate managers. In practically all cases these corporate managers hate music. They hate it with a passion! They wish all legitimate artists would die. These are the people who run the music industry, and this is a very big change. The industry used to be run by people who loved music, and were respectful to artists, but that’s no longer the case." » Howie Klein, former president of Warner Bros

More gun fun
"They have a huge surplus of adult animals. We have documented evidence that zoos are trafficking in exotic animals to canned hunts, and we have no reason to suspect that Parc Safari is any exception." » Rebecca Sorensen, spokesperson for Global Action Network, referring to the estimated 36 hunter playgrounds in the province, where armed humans pay to shoot animals within closed-off limits

What about music journalists?
"People that are weaker and more helpless than us and anything that we can break easily, pretty much the human race. Politicians, religious figures, cooking show hosts, famous astronauts, TV quiz show hosts, ferris-wheel operators and giant dinosaurs." » Gwar’s Oderus Urungus lists the enemies of his band

Hot dog debate heats up
"If we start with hot dogs, then what? Pizza, shish taouk? I don’t want something chaotic that will cause Montreal to lose its class and beauty." » Nicholas Tétrault, city councillor for Plateau Mont-Royal, weighing in on the great streetside hot dog stand debate

Jackass gentility
"We have had some screenings where we’ve had a couple of people in the audience puke. We’re not trying to gross people out, but it happens." » Johnny Knoxville on the feature-film version of Jackass

Ninety-five good reasons for safe sex
"Ninety-five per cent of them have AIDS, HIV, hep C. Junkies have scratches and scabs on them. They scratch themselves because they feel like they have lice. One who wore a bandage on her nose had scratched her nose all the way down to the cartilage." » Station 22 Centre-Sud cop Catherine Garvais, on the neighbourhood hookers

Ban the bookies
"They have to stop advertising, same as was done with tobacco. There needs to be a ban on advertising, which has taken over the Just for Laughs, the Jazz Fest and the Grand Prix. And we need real warnings, graphic ones." » Sol Boxenbaum, CEO of Viva Consulting Family Life Inc., a Montreal-based, non-profit advocacy organization specializing in gambling issues, on Loto-Québec

Crowd control
"It’s terrible. If someone invites you over for dinner and the food they serve stinks, are you going to tell them? They’re asking people who know nothing about movies for their expert opinion." » Legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans, when asked about audience testing of movies

Snap goes the monkey
"This monkey - his name was, uh, Snappy, Snappy the monkey. The funny thing about Snappy was, he had two handlers, and basically Snappy was the biggest prima donna. You cannot look at Snappy! Do not make any sudden moves around Snappy! Snappy doesn’t like women! It was this whole big thing. All things considered, it was fascinating in a really twisted way. But these monkeys have humongous fangs, and they’re slightly restless, so you don’t really want to get too involved with the monkeys. They’re not friendly creatures." » Dan “the Automator" Nakamura on the simian cover model for his mix album

Nervous type
"Only have a nervous breakdown if you’ve got loads of money, then you can really enjoy it." » Human League’s Philip Oakey •