by RAF KATIGBAK

Dear readers, as the peak of holiday season draws near, and the spirit of giving and consideration towards your fellow man reaches its annual high, I’d like to take the time to call to your attention a great travesty currently affecting Canadians. This psychological blight touches millions of people across this country around this time each year and the truly sad part of it is that most of those afflicted don’t even realize it. I’m talking of course about bad Christmas music.

Indeed, it seems that there is an unwritten rule amongst retailers: the longer the line, the worse the music. If you notice yourself getting agitated in the midst of your holiday shopping, take a step back, take a breath and think about your situation because you too may be one of the several million subjected to XMS (Christmas Music Syndrome). This musical plague must be stopped and the first step is identification.

Step 1 Look around you. Are you driven into a frustrated frenzy because of the overzealous comb-over dad who just cut into the line you’ve been waiting in for half an hour? Was your mallrat migraine brought on by the Susan Powers-like soccer-mom yelling at her kids to lose weight as they desperately try to fit into some XXL Cosby Christmas sweaters? Most likely not, as we deal with these kinds of people everyday (especially if you work at Wal-Mart).

Step 2 Listen. What’s that you hear? Is that the same painfully generic jazz-swing version of “Silent Night” that’s been playing on repeat for the last hour? Or perhaps it’s Hall & Oates’ “Jingle Bell Rock” blaring over the cheap loudspeakers (or worse, the low-budget video featuring that freaky-deaky G. E. Smith guy). Is that a “funky” instrumental R&B version of “Joy to the World”? No, that’s actually Mariah Carey singing in a pitch only dogs can hear.

Step 3 Block your ears. If you notice the pain suddenly spiral away like Michael Bolton’s hair, then you just might have XMS.

Music doesn’t always have to be a painful experience this season. For instance, this Saturday, Dec. 21, there’s a ton of good music headed our way. For example:

As we draw closer to Baby Jesus’s B-day, we also celebrate the birth of a guy who’s saved my ass in Aria’s Deep Room on numerous occasions. Come and hear the holy powers of house as Exit’s Go Deep Saturdays wishes DJ Chris Pronovost a happy birthday. Don’t miss it!

Also on Saturday, drop by Salon Daome’s weekly Soulmeka night as DJ Uzi hosts their annual Red Party. Guesting on the decks will also be Bettina (aka Bougie Soliterre) with a guest vocalist, percussionist and bassist. It all kicks off at 10 p.m. and will only set you back a fiver.

Saturday also marks the grand re-opening of Stereo’s main room with co-founder Angel Moraes and Stereo favourites Alain Vinet and Victor Calderone, so make sure to represent! :

Don’t get me started on those Jingle Cats… Diskoakimbo@sympatico.ca

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