F Hi. I’m calling to give an actual comment on the local music scene. Me and my friends have been sitting around and we made a top five list of the best drummers in Montreal. We think you should go see them when they play a gig, usually for hardly any money and just beer. Here goes: there’s Sick Bastard who plays in the Generators, Psychotic Four and the Nags, there’s this guy named Pouf from Evil Boys and he’s an ex-Smash Up Derby. There’s François in Vulgar Deli, ex-Ripcordz and ex-Shock Troops. There’s Jeff from Time Takers, ex-DBC and ex-Vomit and the Zits. And, last but not least, there’s Annie from Beauty Dropout. Have a good show. [BLEEP!]

F Hello. One really big thing that’s wrong with Montreal’s music scene is that HEAVY METAL is not represented in any way any more and we are long overdue for a bar that just plays heavy metal all night long. I know whole bunches of people who aren’t bothering to go out because the music’s not exciting. Us rockers, we want to headbang and we want to hear Motörhead, Metallica, Black Sabbath, Dio and Judas Priest! We are long overdue! [BLEEP!]

F I went to go to Club One to check out Ablyss and the opening band was amazing. I think they’re called SENZAFINE but I don’t know anything about them. Who are these people? When’s their next gig? I need to know. [BLEEP!]

M This is a response to that pseudo cool bitch who wrote about newbies who shouldn’t be allowed to rant. The reason people want to rant about the local music scene is because it doesn’t exist. Your little rant proves it. If I wanna hear someone SCRATCH on an album, I can stay in my room and [makes scratching sounds]. All I gotta do is spend money on a sampler, sit behind a console all night and press a sample and, gee, I’m a big rock star. Meanwhile, bands have to leave this city to get anywhere. Why? Because people like yourself are delusional. Anybody who thinks that scratching is music needs a LOBOTOMY. [BLEEP!]

M My rant concerns the problem of double standards between guys and girls in society today. I was at the Peel Pub on Wednesday night, Ladies Night, and the girls are not there for the free drinks. They’re there because two of their doormen strip. They take two doormen and make them STRIP every Wednesday. I have no problem with that, that’s cool, but the problem I have is that these girls are allowed to SPANK these guys, grab them, pull their boxers down, basically do whatever they want to them and get in no trouble at all. Meanwhile, there was a contest at the other Peel Pub that closed a couple of years ago and, in a drunken stupor, I touched one of the females and was beaten to within an inch of my DRUNKEN LIFE. Meanwhile, girls are allowed to grab, touch, hoot, holler and spank with no consequences. They shouldn’t be beaten up, but maybe they should get bitch-slapped a little. Maybe they could hire a big black woman to bitch-slap the girls who touch the guys. Then again, the guys might like actually like it. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is a boy speaking. I’m a musician and I’m GAY. So what, you might say, there are tons of gay musicians. But they’re all OPERA SINGERS or classical! I’m talking about the bar scene: funk, R&B, jazz, electronica. Where are all the queers? I know this is called the Rant Line™ and not the Man Line, but I want to know if there are any cute gay male musicians in the local music scene. I want to hear from you! E-mail me at gaydrummer@yahoo.ca. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Listen, I’m confused. If I have XY chromosomes but have lived my life as a woman, can I show my art at the Blood Sisters’ Elle Corazon? But what if I have XX chromosomes but I live my life as a man, can I still show my art there? Grrrr. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so the Internet and phone lines didn’t work. So here I am trying to find my Christmas special treat, a sweet-looking petite Asian girl who’d like to pee in her panties for me. I would like to tape that. And/or one that would like to put on a strap-on and take care of me. You could tape that. Anyone? [BLEEP!]

M Ronnie Biggs was doing time/Until he done a bunk/Now he says he’s seen the light/and he sold his soul for punk. Now if nobody knows where that’s from, then I’m too old to be calling the Rant Line™. That’s all I gotta say. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum