by GENEVIEVE PAIEMENT

The old fashioned way

In the olden days, it’s hard to believe, but folks had to do without Internet porn and battery-operated vibrators. They had to walk 10 miles, barefoot in the snow, just to get to a dirty picture book. For that special friend with a soft spot for such nostalgic erotica, why not indulge their tame (by today’s standards) taste? German arts and culture publishing house Taschen happens to specialize in coffee-table compilations of old-fashioned smut. Witness the timeline of tantalization in Erotica, 17th-18thCentury; Erotica, 19th Century or Erotica, 20th Century ($15 in bookstores and some sex shops), all edited by the well-respected French art historian and journalist, Gilles Neret.

Santa may not be the only one who’ll find out how naughty or nice you’ve been. For the one who knows exactly just how naughty you’ve been, why not offer he or she a nice wooden paddle ($35–$55) to teach you a lesson with? Or, perhaps they’re the naughty one. Then swat he or she gleefully with this archaic means of corporal punishment that comes in dark, medium or pale shades of wood and various sizes. Available at Il Bolero (6842/46 St-Hubert or www.ilbolero.com).

To spread a little unadulterated, kitschy-queer cheer, stuff your gay pal’s stocking with The Wild Ones 2003 Calendar ($23.95). It’s got a year’s worth of ’60s- and ’70s-era “very groovy,” not to mention very young, guys frolicking about, naked in the great outdoors. These baby-faced chaps clearly reveal, as the calendar purports, “the wilderness of this free lovin’ time.” Available at sex shops in the Village.

Today’s specials

Who says a sex toy has to be a utilitarian hunk of silicone? Ross, a local artisan and owner of Elemental Glass, aims to elevate his glass-blown dildos and buttplugs to objet d’art status. The way they catch the light, their sculptural appearance and their impeccable smoothness may lead the owner of one of these beauties to display it proudly on the mantelpiece, and not store it away in the usual bedside goody drawer. These transparent toys cost between $130–$170. Available at Sexe-Cité (1821 Ste-Catherine W.)

A favourite at stag and stag-ette parties, liquid latex is the perfect gift for newlyweds and the newly engaged. It’s silly, debatably sexy and it allows for a kind of freeform creativity most people haven’t engaged in since finger-painting as a tyke. The Fantasy Liquid Latex Kit ($59.99) provides a nice introduction to the art of latex body painting with three different coloured jars of liquid latex, an application sponge and a small container of “magic star dust.”

For the sexually adventurous couple that has it all, there is the “sex swing.” Some models attach to the ceiling and others stand alone like a backyard swing set, and all promise a more aerodynamic sex life. The Love Swing ($249.99) bills itself as a “fully adjustable harness for a swingin’ good time,” whereas Rachel’s Pleasures ($499.99) promises to “turn any room into an erotic playground.” Both available at Lingerie Romance (38 Ste-Catherine W.) and other sex shops in town.

The real cyber sex

With the rise of feminism in the ’70s, women began reclaiming sex toys and porn, putting a female-friendly, sex-positive slant on the stuff. Today, many companies share these ideals, offering everything from sex tips and sexual health information to workshops and online shopping. These are truly the sex shops of the 21st century.

Toys in Babeland (www.babeland.com) is a popular option for babes hunting for cutting-edge toys like the triple-threat (dildo/vibrator/strap-on) Techno ($49), “the ultimate vibe for the digital age.” This slightly intimidating, iridescent blue toy with a harness-compatible base is designed in the increasingly popular format of a silicone dildo within which a vibrator is inserted (it comes with its own removable Zippy Vibe).

Good Vibrations (www.goodvibes.com) has been around for 25 years. They are cooperatively owned, proactive about sex education and have their own erotic press as well as an Antique Vibrator Museum. A Good Vibrations exclusive, the Make Your Own Dildo kit is the personalized, custom-built sex toy of the future: it has all the ingredients to make your very own premium-grade silicone dildo cast from a penis. It comes in peach or chocolate (that’s colours, not flavours) and will set you back $103 (U.S.), not including shipping.

If ordering from the States is too much of a hassle, look into local sex-crusaders Joy Toyz (845-8697, www.joytoyz.ca). They have an online store and offer educational workshops and at-home toy parties. The selection is smaller, but the products are high-quality - case in point: the Fukuoku 9000 ($37.50), the world’s smallest water-resistant “massager.” It comes with three interchangeable heads, an extra battery and a dapper leather carrying case. Now, run along and play! :