M All right, Victoria Girl, make me a short list of bands from Victoria that have been any better than Bran Van 3000 in the past few years. A bunch of fucking hippies getting stoned out of their heads isn’t a scene, all right? [BLEEP!]

M To the girl from Victoria. You’re right on. You’re absolutely right, 100 per cent. Victoria always had a pretty good scene. Day-Glo’s, DOA, good bands. Montreal had a music scene in the ’80s, back when the Foufounes was a real club. But here’s the situation now with Montreal. It’s 10 times larger than Victoria, but the difference is that Montreal is a bastion for fucking DISCO DANCERS. People are doing suppositories mixed in with Advil, really bad quality drugs, thinking they’re tripping off somewhere. And if it doesn’t sound like the soundtrack to an Atari game, then they don’t like it. That’s Montreal—all the people are disco dancing, poutine swilling, Pepsi drinking, Nordiques-tuque-wearing, disco dancers. There’s no fucking music scene in Montreal. [BLEEP!]

F Do you want to know who the best band in Montreal is right now? Launie Anderson. That’s right, Rant Line™, they’re called Launie Anderson. I just walked into their show at Barfly tonight and they were absolutely incredible. These guys aren’t afraid of anything! I’d never even heard of them before but I really lucked out. We didn’t even have to pay to get in, man, the show was actually free. So yeah, I want to say that I’ve seen the future of rock ’n’ roll, and it is called Launie Anderson. Oh yeah, their best song is called “Graveyard Sex.” [BLEEP!]

F About Tracy Howe. Last I heard he was out in B.C. playing in a band called Cherry Pie—a Warrant meets Kraftwerk kind of thing. I don’t know if this is the same guy who used to play in that Rational Youth group, but the Tracey Howe I knew kind of wasn’t very talented. But this was about 10 years ago, he might have improved since then. I hope this helps. [BLEEP!]

F This goes out to all those UGLY KIDS at the Black Dice show the other night. When are you going to realize that 1998 is over and you shouldn’t be dying your hair black anymore? [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is in response to that girl who was talking about the young guy masturbating. If you’re talking about the little blond guy on St-Laurent street then, yeah, I’ve seen him too and so have all my friends. A few times actually. [BLEEP!]

F For the lady and the 20 year old who masturbates in public. Some men masturbate in public, some women probably masturbate in public, too—not that I’ve had the fortune of seeing that yet. I even had a guy who used to masturbate in my backyard. My advice is: DO NOT get violent. You sound a little INNOCENT and if you’re not ready to walk up to him and physically mobilize him, then stay cool. Stay cool. All jack offs are human beings, but most of them get off because they make you mad. It’s the closest they ever get to getting any kind of response from a woman. So chill, girl. Don’t laugh at him, don’t smile, don’t let him think he affects you anymore than the sidewalk. As long as you stay cool, they get confused. The moment you start showing confusion or any kind of compassionate sentiment whatsoever, they win. And, also, lady, when you’ve been training for a couple of years, then you can get violent. Start kicking some serious ass. Then once you peace out for a couple more years, you’ll realize it’s just a dick as long as he keeps it in his fucking hands. [BLEEP!]

M Does grey actually exist or is it always a combination of black and white? [BLEEP!]

F I’m calling to rant about this little bitch and her name’s PIGGY and you know who you are, okay? You took my friend’s boyfriend, like, you knew that they were back together and, like, you just took him, like, out of nowhere. You went to the bar, started grabbing his ass, trying to make out with him and what’s up with that? You’re such a bitch and you should go back to the farm and play in mud because that’s the only thing you’re good at. Bye, bitch. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum