M Being new to Montreal I obviously don’t have the largest span of knowledge about the local music scene, but over the past year I’ve noticed a few things that I want to share. DR1 is the best hip hop DJ in Montreal—he spins Saturdays at Blue Dog and he’s the fucking best. And Vaginal Croutons suck! Their name is the only thing that gets them by. Everyone buys the shirt but no one seems to realize that the band is shit. Also, there’s too much blame in the rap scene and the hottest new up and coming hip hop techno funk insane fest is this very little known group called Ghetto Nuns—who are fucking unreal and dropping their album next month. I caught one of their extremely rare live performances recently and it was fucking demented! Okay, that’s it. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, does anybody know whatever happened to Tracy Howe, you know, that guy who used to play in that ’80’s synthpop band RATIONAL YOUTH. Whatever happens to these people anyway? Do they all grow up and become bankers? Do they still play music? Hey Tracy, where the fuck are you? I want to see the light! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, bumped into an old friend at Georges Etienne-Cartier Park, right? He was toking up on this spliff and he’s all happy because he says, you know, they’re talking about decriminalizing pot, right, and I have to tell him, like, listen, Canada is not gonna soften up their fucking drug laws, okay? Furthermore, if they decriminalize it, it’s just gonna be another quota of tickets for cops to fill up every month and they’ll be hassling you left, right and centre to give you a fucking ticket. Long story short, don’t celebrate and count your chickens before their eggs hatch, okay, because I’ll give you one gigantic reason why the drug laws of Canada will never soften up. It’s called THE U.S. FUCKING A. [BLEEP!]

F So I’m sitting at home Wednesday night with my roommates and all of a sudden I feel stoned as a motherfucker. Which is all well and good, mind you, but I gave up the FUNNY STUFF over a month ago. Then I get ejected out of my building because some idiot decides it’s time to paint with toxic paint at 1:30 in the morning. So all of us get booted out on to the street by firefighters—these guys in SPACESUITS breathing fire like the guy in E.T.—who are telling us that there’s a bus coming and that we all should get on it and leave. So yeah, my rant is that I hate it when I get stoned on paint fumes and get kicked out of my Dorval apartment at 1:30 a.m. because some idiot has decided he wants to paint with toxic paint. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, I’m a HISTORIAN and I just finished reading a book which is freaking me out. You know when they first started introducing all those highly processed foods in the early 20th century—white bread, canned beef, icing sugar? Well, apparently doctors back then were urgently trying to warn people that introducing these elements into their diets was going to be a huge PUBLIC HEALTH DISASTER. So I’ve looked into it and now what I’ve found is letters from the government telling these doctors to shut the fuck up. And here’s something else. Since the late 19th century there’s been a deliberate plan to weaken the immune system of all mankind and, well, the research I’ve done confirms that all these CONSPIRACY THEORIES about the Illuminati and stuff are true. Oh boy. And another thing, all history before the second century AD is complete gossip. [BLEEP!]

F Hello. This is a rant going out to the ladies. I would like to know if anyone in the past two years has seen a young guy between the ages of 22 and 28, masturbating. It happens when you’re walking down the street, and even when you tell him to fuck off, he just keeps looking at you and masturbating. I just think it’s really weird because usually guys who show me that they’re masturbating are a little older—I don’t think it’s very common to have twentysomethings flashing girls. I would like to know if anyone else has seen this guy because I’ve seen him twice, Also, I’m wondering if they did anything about it, how they took care of it. Because if I see this guy again, I will probably get VIOLENT. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum