One never knows what’ll trigger a guy to pull a knife and carve you up a bit. Erik Saporito, of Independence Township, New Jersey, had been a friend of Emmanuel Nieves for a while, but he finally pushed the boundaries too far. Now he knows Nieves’ trigger. According to witnesses, the two men were arguing in the parking lot of an apartment complex. Nieves believed he had the hairiest ass. Saporito felt that that wasn’t possible—his own ass was hairiest. The argument escalated to fisticuffs. Then Nieves pulled a blade.

One would think holding Saporito down and shaving his ass could best have ended the dispute, but Nieves didn’t think of that. Instead, he allegedly slashed his monkey-assed pal a few times across the face and ears.

Saporito was released from hospital with some fresh stitches and superficial wounds, while Nieves faces charges of aggravated assault, weapons offences, criminal mischief and “terroristic” threats. :

» Scott Saxon