Mediocrometre: The New Testament book of Luke contains the parable of the prodigal son, who spends his time fucking around and is eventually forgiven. Well, that book is nearly 2,000 years old—what’s your excuse? If you’re 22 and three months right now, you’re as old as Jack Nicklaus was when he became the youngest U.S. Open winner and Thomas Edison was when he received a patent for his electric voting machine. See how you don’t measure up at Oldas, where your shortcomings are laid bare against the truly great. Start making up for lost time at www.oldas.com.

Asstastic: It’s extraordinary that this even exists. Every year, dozens of people band together in Southern California to simultaneously moon a passing Amtrak passenger train. It’s railroads and butt cheeks for an entire day. If you don’t believe it, take a gander at www.moonamtrak.org. :

» Michael Citrome