by MATTHEW HAYS

Barbara Willis Sweete, a seasoned director of dance films, has set out to make her first fiction feature with Perfect Pie. It’s a well-meaning enough enterprise, but it can’t really warrant a terribly favourable review, even from a committed Cancon advocate like myself.

Wendy Crewson, an actor who’s been getting a lot of exposure of late (unfortunately, mainly in rather rotten films like Between Strangers and Suddenly Naked), stars in the lead. She’s a seemingly happy small-town housewife, living in Buttfuck, Ontario. Barbara Williams is her long estranged childhood friend who, upon suffering a setback in her professional career, decides to revisit her home town and her old friend.

The two meet up and attempt to talk about their troubled past. And look out, there are demons buried somewhere back there. One girl was raped, the other hit by a train, all on the same fateful night (no, I’m not making this up). Both women, haunted by their histories, learn to confront them together.

If it sounds unbearable, then my deft skill at description remains tip top. Perfect Pie meanders along, stumbling from scene to scene as we learn more about the emotional damage done to the two women. One is a small-town type, the other, in contrast, is a big-city highfalutin’ opera singer. We know their lives are supposed to stand in contrast because there’s some dialogue in the film that explains that to us, in case we might have missed the point.

Really, this is one of those eminently depressing Canadian movies, the kind that makes you cringe as all those government-funding agency logos roll by during the final credits. From Telefilm to the CBC to the normally excellent private production house Rhombus, there’s lots of blame to go around. (Amazingly, the press kit doesn’t list the screenwriter, who may well have felt it best to remain secretive about their involvement here—not a bad idea.) A tepid drama of this order belongs on CBC, not in cinemas. Then at least you’d be able to change the bloody channel. :

Perfect Pie opens Friday, Nov. 8

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