by SCOTT C

It’s a given that most people have to be coaxed into stepping into a karaoke bar, insisting that there’s no way in hell that they’re going to participate in any actual singing. There’s really no point in trying to avoid it, though, because the fact is that even the most anal of stiffnecks will eventually discover the undeniable allure of the karaoke world.

I think it’s fair to say that most of us have sung in the shower at one point or another, completely oblivious to the fact that the neighbours were howling with laughter. Karaoke is not so different. You get up on stage without an ounce of talent, feeling quite naked except for your microphone, and belt out a heartfelt interpretation of Culture Club’s “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me.” You would hear all the catcalls and snickering, but you’re too busy trying to nail the emotional nuance of the song. The fact that you can’t sing at all is just as important as it is inconsequential. That’s the beauty of karaoke.

Karaoke is a Japanese institution that became popular in North America in the late ’80s and early ’90s, allowing just about anyone to sing along with an instrumental of their favourite pop song. In 2002, it is virtually impossible to visit any major city in Canada or the U.S. where one’s desire to sing badly isn’t supported by a multitude of bars and establishments. Montreal is no different, with more karaoke joints in the downtown area than I could include in this modest primer, not to mention clubs and bars that employ a monthly “host” to bring order and some flair to drunken singing groups and ridiculous requests.

In Japan, karaoke (which translates into “empty orchestra”) is as much of a pastime pleasure as it is a business tool, with many contracts and accounts being decided over drinks, dinner and lots of singing. As far as I can tell, treating your client to a karaoke power-lunch over here could mean kissing your deal goodbye. Plus, everybody knows that all big business in this city is done at the strip clubs. This is Montreal, after all.

Karaoke categories

If you want to grab the mic in Montreal, you basically have three different kinds of karaoke to choose from. If you plan to take the stage at Cheers (1260 McKay) on a Tuesday night with host Dan Schwinteck for instance, don’t expect a completely captive audience, especially if you really can’t sing. Karaoke in a place like this fits right in next to the dudes watching the game on the tube and the pool sharks getting busy upstairs. In other words, it’s not exactly the main attraction, but a bowl of fun just the same, and perfect for the tipsy songbird.

Next, you have a spot like Cabaret Mado (1115 Ste-Catherine E.) in the Village, where Sunday-night Star Search with MC Miklos is serious business. Broken into three categories, performers must sign up in advance for either the drag queen, chanteur/chanteuse or variety competitions, where they compete for prizes and advance from week to week. Some lucky crooner has a chance to win a trip to Spain when the cream rises to the top. In other words, this is not the place for your drunken rendition of “Beat It.”

Last but not least are places like Kagopa (6400-B St-Jacques W.), in NDG, open seven days a week, from 3 till 3, and dedicated to karaoke and nothing else. They offer the rental of private rooms by the hour, each equipped with an L-shaped couch, karaoke machine, sound system and multiple microphones. Authentic Korean cuisine is available along with any alcohol and total privacy that you may need in order to find your voice. It all depends what you want out of the experience. Some people just want to have fun, while others are slowly making their mark in the karaoke superstar world.

Schwin some, lose some

“I blame it all on a bottle of Jack Daniels.” That’s how 43-year-old Dan Schwinteck, owner of Schwin-Tech Karaoke, explains his decade-plus love affair with the microphone. His company supplies hosts, DJs and rentals to many Montreal-area karaoke stops, weddings, bar mitzvahs, and corporate functions, as well providing installation and maintenance of karaoke systems.

“I was on vacation in Florida back in ’89, and was at a bar that had karaoke. I was intrigued but I couldn’t bring myself to try it, and that’s where the Jack came in.”

After singing “Pretty Woman” to rousing applause from 30 other drunken people, Schwinteck had a flash. “I thought, this is fucking great! I have to bring this up to Montreal.” And so began the karaoke career of this former mechanic.

“You have to have a certain tolerance for drunken people,” he points out, “because this is taking being a people person to a whole other level.” Schwinteck can be found holding down the fort at all the Montreal-area Cheers locations, a foothold he’s managed to keep for the better part of 10 years, with help from his four employees, and without the aid of a particularly angelic voice.

“Compared to when I first started doing this, I’ve gotten considerably better,” he says with pride. “Now I have about 15 or 20 songs that I can sing half decently.”

The donkey and the ass

In contrast, Cocos, the owner of le Tycoon Karaoke (96 Sherbrooke W. at St-Urbain) insists that he has never ever sung in the 11 years he’s owned the bar. He has what he likes to call a “donkey voice,” a voice that apparently most customers seem to have.

“I am afraid of my own voice,” he laughs while working the controls from behind the bar. He bought Le Tycoon from a Vietnamese man back in 1990 when karaoke was enjoying its wonder years in Montreal, but this cozy little spot is now only open on weekends, and for special reservations. “Once there was a McGill University party here,” he says in a charming Greek accent, “and there were some beauties over here at the bar, track and field, I think. This girl calls to me and says, ‘Coco come here.’ I was so busy but I went over, and she put her panties down, shows me her ass. She says ‘Do you see that? What does it say?’ It was a McGill University tattoo. She put her panties up and asked if she could have a free beer! I gave her two, and she sang with all her friends.”

Walking into Tycoon sort of feels like you’re discovering karaoke for the first time, tucked nicely away in its ground floor locale and boasting an unassuming décor and kick-ass sound system. Cocos also still uses the Laserdisc format.

While most new karaoke technology employs either CDG (compact disc graphics), CDV (compact disc video) or the newfangled DVD discs, the original Laserdisc format has its merits.

Unfortunate images

The 12-inch laserdiscs don’t scratch as easily as the smaller guys, but more importantly, the lyrics on the screen are accompanied by some of the most ridiculous video images that you’ve ever seen, most of which have little or nothing to do with the songs. I almost choked on my drink when I saw a Chinese man dressed in a tuxedo and half white/half black-face sitting at a piano singing “Ebony and Ivory.” The scary part was that every once and a while they’d flash pictures of black slaves working the fields in the South.

Schwinteck also mentioned another disc with the old favourite “New York, New York” that had a slow pan of the twin towers, followed immediately by a shot of a 747 getting ready to land, a minor point that gets a lot more attention now than it did five years ago. “Endless Love” is accompanied by what looks like random home-video vacation footage from Tunisia—kind of cool, but weird.

While my personal pick has, and always will be Wham’s “Careless Whisper,” it’s no secret that people have been known to leave the room when I sing this song. Most people in this business will tell you there are three types of singers—those who can’t sing, those who think they can sing, and people who should pursue a singing career.

Although hit-driven establishments offer everything from Eminem’s “Cleaning Out My Closet” to forgotten gems from the ’30s and ’40s, the songs that people love to sing never seem to change. Even with all the fluff and cheese usually associated with karaoke culture, it is a phenomenon that has the ability to dissolve the inhibitions of the worst singer and make them a star, even if it’s only for a moment. Pick up the mic, you’ll see what I mean. •

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