by RUPERT BOTTENBERG

Foolish humans in cardboard-and-tinfoil costumes pretending to be robots are fun enough. But Cali boy Jason Vance, now known as JBOT even to his mom, took matters one step further. Tired of troublesome bandmates (he’d been in Skanking Pickle and the Blue Meanies), JBOT elected to build his own. Mistake! He did a shit job, and his robot creations have punished him for it ever since. Tangled up in chains, with his guts spilling out over his belt (that’s right, guts, not gut), JBOT fronts the mostly-robot goof-metal band Captured! By Robots. He serves not only as lead singer and synthitar wizard, but also as verbal punching bag for the vindictive, human-hating robots. Sympathy runs thin when you recognize what a sucky, miserable dink JBOT is. “I’m only human,” he whines, thereby denigrating the rest of his otherwise noble species. Then again, JBOT’s travails may well be an indication of the future that awaits us all. The Mirror got JBOT on the line for the full read-out.

Mirror: Tell me a bit about each of the robots in Captured! By Robots.

JBOT: The first one I always talk about is GTRBOT666. He’s a rat bastard, he’s very, very mean, always kicking my ass and saying really bad things to me. He plays a double-neck flying V, so guitar and bass at the same time. He plays mostly rhythm guitar but does some leads sometimes. What else? He’s just brutal, mean and talks shit all the time. He’s just a bastard. Then comes DRMBOT0110, she plays a kit with hi-hat, ride, kick snare and air motor. She really rocks the drum kit. She can play super-fast—her kick-drum beater can kick faster than any human can. She’s basically the mastermind behind the robotic resistance, my takeover and all that stuff. She’s got pretty bitchin’ spinning dreadlocks too. Then there’s AUTOMATOM, which is DRMBOT’s self-replication. He plays three toms, two of which are actually made of speakers. He’s got these giant jaws of carnage and is always threatening to chomp me.

M: But you do have one friend in the band...

JBOT: I have two friends in the band! The Ape Which Hath No Name is a wonderful, beautiful ape which I made because the robots were always so mean to me. When I made him, I thought he would only love me, but unfortunately he even loves the robots that captured me. He loves everybody and all things.

M: The other robots aren’t allowed to hurt him, are they?

JBOT: Exactly, because of the Robotic Resistance Handbook, which says, “Bot shall not harm bot.” They want the emphasis on hurting humans, not other robots. The Ape just had a baby, called the Son of the Ape Which Hath No Name, and it’s a little, white, robotic ape that plays monkey cymbals. They talk to each other and say nice things. It’s really wonderful.

Droidian slips

M: Prior to making Captured! By Robots, which has been a very traumatic experience for you—

JBOT: Aw, you have no idea.

M: —did you view robots in a positive light?

JBOT: I never really thought about them. Robots were just robots. It’s like if you asked me what I thought about race cars or M&Ms. I’d say they’re okay, I guess. Never thought about it. It was mostly out of necessity because I could not play with people anymore, physically or emotionally.

M: Do you think the robots harbour a particularly intense contempt for humans?

JBOT: Oh, yeah! I don’t know about all robots, but the ones I made do. It’s probably because of the way I built them, because I’m not a very good robot builder, so they ended up turning against me. It could have been the coffee I spilt on the CPU board, it could have been anything. Unfortunately, I think I might have opened Pandora’s box with these robots—the beginning of the end of humanity.

M: Are you sure it’s all of humanity they hate and not just you?

JBOT: Well, they’re always dissing people, and they wrote stuff in the Robotic Resistance Handbook about how humans should be captured, just like in Planet of the Apes. I think it’s pretty much everybody. I don’t think they despise me a huge amount. I’m their only form of transportation and I’m always fixing them. So they’re always cursing me, but I think they might like me—slightly. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.

Puppy “love”

M: Looking at the misanthropy present in these robots—don’t you feel there was misanthropy behind your building them in the first place, a disgust with other rock musicians?

JBOT: I don’t know—explain “misanthropy” to me, I’m sorta stupid.

M: A hatred of human beings.

JBOT: Oh! Oh! It’s weird, I’m always bouncing between loving and hating humans. I have a hard time with people. I do the best I can, but I’m not that good at making friends and influencing people. People have been very nice to me on the road, giving me places to stay and stuff. But on the other side, you get people screwing you over all the time. I feel like I have to be on guard all the time to not get fucked. With the robots, I know what to expect. There was one time that they changed their tune, but I knew something was up. They gave me this toy robotic puppy, and they said they’d change the band name to Friendly With Robots. In the middle of the show, they told me to hit this switch so it would do a special trick—and it blew up the puppy’s head. It got hydraulic fluid all over the crowd. It was really disgusting.

M: But this is interesting. The robots I’m familiar with can perform simple physical actions like moving stuff. But practical jokes, that suggests to me that these robots may be more evolved.

JBOT: Oh, my gosh, so much! They went from being rudimentary machines to high-tech shit. When I’m on stage—I don’t even need to be on stage anymore. I don’t even need to be in the band. I’m not smart enough to make self-transporting system and a self-maintenance system for them, but eventually, when that does happen, I think they’re just gonna get in the van and say, “Later, dude.” Maybe I’ll be free at that point, and that would be great. I can only hope. :

With the World Provider and Parka 3 at
Casa del Popolo on Friday, Oct. 25, 9pm, $8

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