by JASON BOGDANERIS

It was a dark and stormy night. So begins Virginia’s Run, an unending assault on originality about a 13-year-old girl who’s “got a way with horses.” After the accidental death of her mother—while horseback riding, naturally—she’s forbidden to climb atop anything higher than her bicycle. But after she helps deliver a foal in a thunderstorm, it’s love at first sight.

Unfortunately, “Stormy” is owned by her arrogant tycoon neighbour and his insufferable teenage son. They decide to sell the nag to an out-of-town buyer when it won’t conform to their sadistic will. Virginia is devastated and reacts by pouting and reading her late mother’s diary to the schmaltziest soundtrack imaginable. Her older sis is no help and spends her time cruising around town with that same neighbour’s son—a sunglasses-on-head jerk who drives too fast—and even listens to loud rock music! What’s worse is that he wins the town’s 50-mile endurance horse race and taunts Virginia about it.

Then there’s Dad (Gabriel Byrne), who in a film plastered with hackneyed characters plays “the Grieving Widower.” Untainted by the stigma of divorce or middle-aged bachelorhood, he’s the perfect blend of independence and vulnerability—a PG wet dream for teens and middle-aged women alike. It’s little wonder the New Arrival in Town (Joanne Whalley) has got her eye on him.

After catching her riding in secret, Dad eventually caves and gets Virginia her beloved horse back. Then of course it’s time for the big race and a climax so meticulously predictable even the thickest of moviegoers will see it galloping towards them from miles away.

Set in an idyllic town, the film’s portrayal of the teens who live there is some sort of PMRC fantasy. Deriding the little burg as “Lobster Town”” or calling someone an idiot is as rebellious as anyone gets. Even more problematic is the performance of Lindze Letherman as Virginia, whose overacting diminishes the already saccharine material. The film is so insubstantial it’s like a Dukes of Hazzard episode with horses instead of hot rods. :

Virginia’s Run opens Friday, Oct. 11

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