True blue by RAF KATIGBAK Throughout the world, many ancient cultures have surprised and amazed contemporary scholars with their impressive level of socio-scientific advancement. The ancient Mesopotamians, Greeks, Egyptians and Chinese all contributed in countless ways to what we know as Western civilization. However, there is one ancient race often overlooked by academia, a race that was not only light years ahead of its time technologically, but also a socialist utopia in which everyone sang songs and was happy. I’m talking about the Smurfs. On a scientific level, these little dudes were so far beyond their human counterparts it was retarded. While Johan and Pee Wee were riding around on donkeys, these little blue dudes were driving around in cars made of leaves and sticks. Leaves and sticks, for Christ’s sake! Not even MacGyver can say he ever rocked a Corvette out of a few branches and twigs! On the military tip, Jokey Smurf’s exploding-gift gag not only displayed their mastery of high explosives and advanced trigger mechanisms, but also a cruel cunning befitting any socially advanced society. Even though they probably had the fire power to blow Gargamel the fuck up, you know they wouldn’t, ’cause they’re also a peace-loving society. Now, I could go on about how the Smurfs were the perfect model for a Marxist Utopia and how Brainy was exactly like Trotsky and how it was also clearly a heavenly homo-topia (there was only one girl but never any sexual tension in the village, not to mention Hefty, Handy and Vanity, the gayest Smurfs ever), but let me finish by saying that, as a society, we could learn a lot from the values and systems of little blue creatures of the forest—and the Snorks, too. The ancient Mayans were on some next shit too. And what better way to celebrate the dudes that charted the stars, evolved the only true writing system native to the Americas and were masters of mathematics and calendars, than by raving out to trance, nu-NRG, psychedelic and happy hardcore? Mayan Mysteries is a party taking place this Saturday, Sept. 28, featuring DJs Digital Talk, Stamina, Viper, Hibernate, Lady Bass and a slew of other DJs. Call 301-4352 for details. On the future-beat ambi-tronic tip, drop by the Rad’a space (841 Gilford) on Friday, Sept. 27, for some live noodling by T.O.’s I am Robot and Proud, who comes to MTL fresh off a Euro tour. Also on the bill, Self Service and DJ Pinpin. Fractured beats and kaleidoscope rhythms, yummy! : “Are we there yet, Papa Smurf?” “Not until we realize that the capitalist system carries within itself the seeds of its own destruction, Hefty.” . >> Music Listings