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week: Venus’s skirt,
Atlantis,
M Jake Brown again, responding to dogs playing Strip Joker or whatever the fuck you’re called. Boys, like Tom Cruise and Paul Martin, I would prefer to keep my homosexuality a secret. However, now that you’ve outed me—and I can’t believe you boys are homophobic—you must be looking for pointers. I’ll give you one. A) Grease up your wang. B) Shove it up some guy’s ass. C) Enjoy and relax for Christ’s sake. If you want to settle this in person, meet me at Café Pi on St-Laurent Friday the 13th at 8 p.m. I’ll be the BIG BALD FAG sitting near the door. You can meet me, beat me and fuck me. Just like you West Island boys love to do. This will be your only chance because I am leaving town—I am moving to Vancouver because I cannot live in a city that underappreciates a man like Bloodshot Bill. And, boys, don’t feel bad just because you suck. Try it out with each other first, then branch out, if you catch my drift. Anyway, it’s been a great 15 years here. Many thanks to Montreal and to the Rant Line™ for putting up with me. Goodbye to all, with love and squalor. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, this is for Mike from Strip Joker. You’re pathetic. What are you doing picking on the FLUTE LADY in front of the Peel Pub? First off, she’s poor. Secondly, she’s blind. Thirdly, it’s not a flute she plays, it’s a clarinet, you moron! You’re just a talentless, vain asshole and you’re so bitter that you haven’t made it onto the cover of Teen Beat that you have to pick on poor people begging on the street. [BLEEP!] F Hi, Rant Line™. This rant goes out to the guy who swiped Venus’s SKIRT after her performance at Cabaret Mado. Do you also collect your mother’s panties and make yourself some lace doilies? But then again, that skirt is probably the closest you’ll ever get to attaining a piece of women’s clothing. Why don’t you grow up already? [BLEEP!] M All right, well, I guess I’m a young dickhead because let me tell you something there, Grant, KISS sucks. They’ve always sucked. And what do KISS and the Stones have in common? They both recorded DISCO songs! Name one good Stones song. There are none, zero, the Stones suck! They’re crap! It was bad enough to go see them in 1969, but who would want to go see them now? You talk about techno and rap, okay, fine, that’s shit, I’m not gonna dispute that. But if you wanna go talk about the ultimate rock ’n’ roll band, I’ve got two words for you: Black Sabbath. [BLEEP!] M Just a big shout out to Too Tall, CHOM 97.7, man, celebrating his 25 years of service, doing a great job, keep up the good work. Here’s to another 25. Cheers. [BLEEP!] M As far as I’m concerned, Judgemental as a punk band are about as threatening and as hardcore as the Teletubbies. This is how it is: Psychotic 4 and Jerk Appeal rule, Kennedys rule, tits rule, implants rule and BEER rules. I’ve said enough. [BLEEP!] F Hey, I just want to say that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being an ANGRY FEMINIST. A lot of people don’t know anything about feminism which is really too bad—I think they feel ashamed to be feminist. People should make an effort to learn more about it before they go dissing it, because there’s lots of different kinds of feminism. [BLEEP!] M To the guy who was dissing the security guard. If you actually believe that he spends all of his time looking up at the stars at night instead of securing the place then you’re a pretty dumb shit. [BLEEP!] F Yeah, this is to the guy who can’t stand STINKY PEOPLE in the bus. I’m with you, man. I’m five feet tall and my nose is right up everybody’s armpits. So I thought maybe this year we could all put some deodorant, soap and toothpaste in those Christmas baskets instead of the usual tins. [BLEEP!] M I’ve always wondered why we never hear anything about ATLANTIS, even though there is enough evidence to prove that it was there in the myths and the oral traditions, right? But since history is written by Europeans and Atlantis was the land of the RED MAN and not the land of the WHITE MAN—it was never white man’s land, they might have had some white immigrants there—but it was ruled and decided and thought up and everything was made and created mostly by the red man or MIXED RACE MAN, right? So this is why we never hear about it, right? Because history is about white people. That’s what history—HIStory—is about. The white man, not even the white women, glorifying the white man. Other people have stories, too. Just remember that. [BLEEP!] “Ed’s” note: Please note that due to sabbatical and not scientific reasons the next edition of the Rant Line™ will appear on November 21, 2002. We apologize for the inconvenience and thank you for your continued support. [BLEEP!] Next week: zilch Got an opinion on the local scene?
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