>>People

Swimmer saver

>> Lifeguard watches over all pool patrons
and gets a good tan

by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Evan Jones
Age: 18
Occupation: Lifeguard
Salary: $7.75 an hour
Bio: This health-conscious heartbreaker and former nursery school athletic counsellor is currently in his second year as a lifeguard at the Montreal West municipal pool. An N.D.G. resident, Evan has been studying at the prestigious Choate Rosemary Hall in Wallingford, Connecticut, on a hockey scholarship and is rumoured to be a shoo-in for the NHL when he’s done with the pesky ordeal of getting an education. He can also lift a 10-pound brick from the bottom of the deep end like nobody’s business.

Is lifeguard as good a profession for luring pussy as they make out in the movies? Not really.

Has the Montreal West swimming pool been overrun by Ville St-Pierre and N.D.G. welfare scum since the municipal mergers took effect? No.

Has he ever witnessed any sultry housewives or teenage seductresses losing pieces of their bikinis in the water? No. “Mostly it’s just little kids pulling down each other’s bathing suits.”

One situation all lifeguards are trained to deal with: Epileptic bathers who suddenly decide to freak out on them.

Is clubbing them over the head like a baby seal the best way to chill out an epileptic swimmer? No. “You make sure they are not face down, let them have their seizure in the water, and then get them out as soon as possible. And never put your hand anywhere near their mouths or it might get bitten off.”

Has he ever saved anyone from drowning? Not yet, but he’s “been on chair” when other lifeguards have had to rush into the water.

Do his internal lifeguard alarm bells go off when parents bring their mentally challenged kids to the pool? Not at all. “These kids can usually swim as well as anybody else and they know their limits.”

Has the management ever considered putting that special dye into the pool to finger pool pee-ers? Not that he is aware of.

Does he think the pool would be an entirely different colour if they did? Absolutely.

Do they ever find big healthy turds floating around in the pool? Yes, fairly regularly. “But we generally clean up vomit more often than poop.”

Is there any correlation between the number of turds they discover and the number of mentally challenged people frolicking in the pool that day? No.

Best part of the job: The tan.

Worst part of the job: Waking up and getting to the pool by 6 a.m.

Childhood ambition: To play in the NHL.

Current ambition: To play in the NHL.

Last book read: The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Musical preferences: Eminem, System of a Down, Jay-Z, Disturbed.

Favourite film of all time: Face Off.

Second favourite film of all time: Billy Madison.

Words of wisdom: “If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got.” :