| This
week: Skid
Row, Plastic Patrik, chem trails, vaginas!
M I have a suggestion for that SINGER/GUITAR PLAYER with lots of creative ideas who’s been sticking up handbills looking for the rest of the musicians he needs to form a band. You see, on the Plateau, everyone and his dog is a singer/guitar player with lots of creative ideas. If you want some feedback, try this on a handbill: guitar player with absolutely no creative ideas looking for a bass and drummer with direction. And since bassists and drummers never have any creative ideas to begin with, the band will be doing your material anyway. [BLEEP!] M Dudes, I just got back from the Skid Row show and, I must tell you, these guys fucking rocked my world! I went to see Vince Neil a while ago so I was expecting the same ageing rock star thing but no fucking way, man! Skid Row blew the fucking roof off that place! It was fucking amazing, man! Rock ’n’ roll is here to stay! [BLEEP!] F Hi. We were just wondering if Plastic Patrik gets it on with girls because interested parties would like to know. Also, where do you get speed in this city? [BLEEP!] F Yeah, I just have a question. I don’t know any heavy users, but when these big drug busts occur, does the price of drugs rise? You know, like, supply and demand? [BLEEP!] M Yeah, this rant’s for Omen. Omen, stop whining. I’ve been to your show and it’s not the end of the world that nobody’s buying your paintings. You do great work, but it’s not the end of the world. You’re not even in your 30s and you’re whining about not selling anything. Just wait until you’re 50. [BLEEP!] F Hey, Rant Line™. I’m wondering if anybody out there can help me. I’m trying to find out the name of this old-school TV show-actually I don’t even know how old-school it is. I’ve only seen it once in the past year at 2 in the morning and I remember watching it as a child. It’s narrated by what sounds like a teenager and what they do is re-enact Shakespearean plays with little PAPER CUT-OUTS and they’re kind of sarcastic in doing it. Anyone who knows anything about it, please, please, please call in. [BLEEP!] F Hi. This is in response to the girl who’s looking for feminine girls and lesbian babes. Okay, well, I’m one, I’m one, I’m one! So maybe you can rant back and maybe we can talk and maybe all the feminine girls that aren’t the really butchy types can get together and form a bar on our own that has lipstick lesbians instead of über-dykes-not saying that über-dykes aren’t that great because they are great. Anyways, yeah, that’s me, that’s me, that’s me! Thanks. [BLEEP!] M This goes out to the girl who’s looking for a bar with hot lesbians. My advice to you is go to Blue Dog on St-Laurent. Trust me on this one. [BLEEP!] M I don’t understand. As a man, I don’t understand why we’re so attracted to the vagina. It’s, like, a hole. Sometimes it smells, sometimes it’s hairy. It’s like an open FLESH WOUND. I don’t understand why we’re so attracted to them, yet I love them. I adore them. I wanna spend as much time in the world with them, but I wish I didn’t. Because with the vagina comes trouble. Women are trouble. I wish I could just have their vaginas and not speak with them. I love vaginas. Oh God, I love vagina. [BLEEP!] M I wanna leave this message to the guy who thinks everyone should be in bikinis. The thing about concealing-something that’s a very common practice in our society-is basically we like concealing nastiness. There are several examples. We have sawdust to cover puke, we have a sheet to cover a corpse, we have a PAPER BAG to conceal the face of an ugly girlfriend. These are all things that are necessary in life because we don’t want to shock other people. So I think that for all girls to be going out in bikinis would be the most terrifying thing I could ever imagine, really. I don’t think I’ll be able to have sex for the next 10 years, just imagining that right now. The last thing we need is one more beached whale wearing a tank top, all right? Peace, man. [BLEEP!] F What’s up with this guy saying all chicks should be wearing bikinis? Frankly, I don’t think he’s READY FOR THE JELLY. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, hi, I was riding my bike around Montreal today and I look up at the sky and it was a gorgeous blue colour and then I see these two airplanes and they’re flying across the sky leaving these six WHITE LINES. I’m looking at them right now, they’re turning into these fat clouds. What the fuck is that? I’m enjoying a perfectly lovely day and then this happens. If anyone knows what is up with these airplanes and this wild white line shit, give me a rant. [BLEEP!] . [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum Got
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