| This
week: Stoned
cockroaches, fly sticky matter, women’s feet!
M I just heard that Jenny Ross died and, like, this is totally sad. I mean, she was practically the only journalist in this whole fucking city who ever gave a shit about the local music scene back in the ’80s and early ’90s. And if you think the media doesn’t care about local bands right now, it was 10 times worse back then. Back then the only place you could ever read anything about the local scene in this city was in Jenny’s Mirror column. So, I just wanted to call in and say that it’s really a shame and that to all of you bands out there, if it weren’t for Jenny Ross always pushing to cover the local music scene way back then, today you would be even more ignored than you already are. So okay, RIP Jenny. I just want to let you know that you made a difference. Say hello to Brian Jones for me. Later. [BLEEP!] M [very loud and very angry] This is a message to all the Ginos driving up and down Ste-Catherine and everywhere else in this city blasting Eminem tapes. Now we all know you love Eminem-it’s all good, it’s all fine-but could you please just change the fucking track you’re playing?! I mean, you’re killing me with “Without Me,” man. You’ve gotta stop doing that, people, because, let’s face it, the guy’s got 16 other tracks on his fucking CD. We cannot survive the whole summer with you driving up and down the street playing the same song. Try “White America,” “Business,” anything, it doesn’t matter! [BLEEP!] F Hey, I just read the confession from the girl who’s complaining about the guy who stole Melissa auf der Maur’s wine glass who said that she stole Melissa’s rose in turn. I’d just like to say that I was the one who gave Melissa those roses so fuck you. [BLEEP!] M Who cares if Melissa auf der Maur plays “Ironman” or “Fairies Wear Boots” or anything? Who flippin’ gives a crap? Not me. [BLEEP!] F Who the fuck is Melissa auf der Maur? [BLEEP!] M Listen, I wanna know something. I’m looking up at my ceiling and I’m seeing a COCKROACH, okay? A cockroach. I’m smoking a joint and I’m blowing the smoke up at him. Now seeing how cockroaches, I believe, don’t have noses, I’m wondering: are they getting stoned by the smoke that they’re sensing around them? Hmmmmm. [BLEEP!] M Someone called wanting to know how flies landed on ceilings. Okay, picture yourself flying like Superman below a ceiling with your back facing the ceiling. What you do is you reach up with your hands, you grab the ceiling, and the momentum of your flying sends you up against the ceiling so now you are upside down on the ceiling. That’s how flies land on the ceiling. I know what I’m talking about because I listen to the CBC. Thank you, bye. [BLEEP!] M For the person who wondered how insects could land on the ceiling. Well, most of the flying insects that we know have at the end of their legs an apparatus that combines claws, STICKY MATTER and suction cups. So most of our flying insects can land themselves on very flat surfaces or on very dirty surfaces-the biggest exception being dragonflies. They can fly for 30 miles an hour, backwards, upwards, but they can land only on a branch. They cannot even land on flat surfaces. Thank you. [BLEEP!] M This is for the girl who wants to know if one shot of sperm has the same caloric intake as one cinnamon bun. A shot of sperm is about a teaspoon of sugar, so with a teaspoon of cum she is essentially going to get as many calories as if she had a coffee with some sugar in it, not more. Thank you. [BLEEP!] M To the dude who’s talking about the mescaline-I doubt you’re from this city, because anyone who’s that well-informed and well-spoken on the topic of mesc can’t have been sniffing the shit that’s been passing for mesc in this city for fucking years. Dude, don’t bother or you’re gonna wind up on St-Jean-Baptiste day next year lighting fires with those boys who we were discussing on the Rant Line™ a little earlier. All right, peace. [BLEEP!] M Hey, folks, you know what my idea of heaven is? My idea of heaven is a place just like this except where people don’t put each other down for where they live or the type of music they listen to or the type of clothes that they wear. Most importantly, my idea of heaven is a place where people can appreciate a guy like me and his appreciation for WOMEN’S FEET. I love them! I’ve tried but I’m not a breast man, I’m not an ass man, I’m a foot man. And the problem is people think I’m a freak, but I’m not. I’m a nice guy, I’ve got a good heart, I’m honest, I just like feet. So I wish you all the best and I’m hoping that heaven is a lot better for me. Thanks. [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum Got
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