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week: 514, 450, John Digweed, Blue Rodeo, bad mescaline!
F I just read the confession from the guy who stole Melissa Auf der Maur’s wine glass and I just wanna say that I’m the girl who stole Melissa’s rose. And it doesn’t matter if she didn’t play “Ironman” because it was a kick-ass show. [BLEEP!] M This goes out to the person who stole Melissa Auf der Maur’s wine glass. I wanna say props to you because she stole my time and my money on that Saturday night because the set was, like, 45 minutes long. The fucking opening band almost lasted longer! [BLEEP!] M Dude, your Melissa confession, you’re joking, right? If you’re doing a tribute to Black Sabbath, why are you going to play “Ironman?” Gimme a break! If you’re doing a Sabbath tribute, you’re gonna play the classic real Sabbath shit. Like “Symptoms” and “National Acrobat”—songs like that, dude. I wasn’t at the show but I can very much respect any tribute band who does not play “Ironman.” Peace and love to you, my friend. [BLEEP!] F Hi, I just came back from seeing Blue Rodeo and this goes out to that woman who grabbed my butt and SCRATCHED it with her long nails because I passed in front of her to see the band. Well, I realize I did that, but what you did was really bad and I hope you enjoyed it. Bye. [BLEEP!] M Sixty bucks for John Digweed? I mean, I know the guy’s good but you’ve gotta be kidding! [BLEEP!] M I can’t figure out what’s going on with the local music scene. When it comes to DRUMMERS, all you’ve got are these session drummers who just wanna make the quick money. They just wanna find a few bands to play with and not rehearse. You know, I’m getting pretty sick of it and that’s the story. [BLEEP!] F I would like to know if anyone can confirm if what I’ve heard is true: that one SHOT OF SPERM has the same caloric intake as one cinnamon bun. Thank you. [BLEEP!] M Yeah really, what’s going on with the MESCALINE SITUATION down at the Berri metro? Last three times there I got friggin’ ripped off. The first time the guy gave me a couple dime bags of cut with maybe two per cent worth of coke in it and the last two times I just got ripped right off. All I got was BLANK BASE CUT. These young guys all dressed up like skateboarders and rollerbladers, they’re ripping off the folks, man. Anyhow, spread the word around. And anybody who can tell me where a guy can get some decent stuff rant right back at me. [BLEEP!] M This goes out to the South Shore girl who’s tired of being disrespected by my fellow 514s out there. You just take it easy, girl. It’s all part of God’s great plan. You see, one day when Mount Royal finally erupts and it destroys this beautiful city I live in, you’ll just be kickin’ it back in your front yard with your pet cow Daisy and thinking to yourself, “Yeah, now who’s laughing?” But until that day arrives, you can kiss my ass, cowgirl. (laughs loudly) [BLEEP!] M Yeah, you know what? Up until two seconds ago, I never even thought about the South Shore. The only shore that I ever thought about was that fuckin’ Pauly Shore guy from the shitty movies. But South Shore peeps? Now I’m laughing. [BLEEP!] M For the South Shore girl who’s tired of being dissed because she lives there. Listen, it’s part of life. People from New York hate people from New Jersey. People from Springfield dis people from Shelbyville. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it, okay? 450ers always suck and that’s the way it is. Peace. [BLEEP!] F Theoretically, if I was to walk around Montreal HOLDING HANDS with my girlfriend, would I get my ass kicked? It’s really important for me to find out because I don’t want to end up like the next Matthew Shepard of Montreal. Thanks. [BLEEP!] F This is for the girl who ranted about the St-Jean-Baptiste insanity with all the fires going on. I wholeheartedly agree with your disapproval of people acting incredibly belligerently and destroying something that we only have once a year—people coming together and doing something nice and just feeling good in the summertime. However, I believe you’re contradicting yourself by saying that we should KICK THEIR ASS next time we see someone doing that. So instead, spread some awareness, spread some LOVE. It’s all about love. [BLEEP!] M Yeah man, life is so stupid sometimes. If people want to walk around NAKED the cops shouldn’t have to stop us. That’s right. We should be able to walk around naked if we want to! Fuck! [BLEEP!] M Yeah, I was just calling because I wanted to ask all the aerodynamic engineers out there a question. A question that could change your life. How the hell do the flies get to land on the ceiling? I mean, how do they get to land on the ceiling? Like, how? Okay. [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum Got
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