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Jizzy janitor

>> Hygiene-conscious, strong-stomached
sauna attendant cleans up boy mess

by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Roger Hemsley
Age: 37
Occupation: Cleaning attendant (Sauna 456)
Salary: A little more than minimum wage
Bio: This spunky Hochelaga-Maisonneuve resident and self-educated “opinionated intellectual” was working as a casual day labourer when one day, three years ago, he stopped by the legendary Sauna 456 on de la Gauchetière for a little man fun. Unimpressed with the sanitary conditions and ambiance of the private rooms, he says he instinctively knew he was the person to remedy the situation. He promptly applied for the job and was joyfully cleaning up male matter only a few short days later.

Is Sauna 456 a good place to pick up chicks? Not really.

Do many straight people wander in by mistake just looking for a good old-fashioned male bonding session around the steam bath? No. Just the occasional “curiosity seeker.”

How much a good cum cleaner makes in tips: “$3 to $5 a week maximum.”

Does he ever get grossed out? Not really. “But you can’t have a weak stomach on this job. At least once a week I have to clean up a truly disheartening mess. You know, vomit, shit, garbage, dirty [cum] rags, cigarette butts everywhere, shoe marks and lubricant all over the mirrors and walls. Customers tend to be very sporty about where they ejaculate.”

How often he finds blood mixed into the debris: Rarely.

Is semen a lot harder to clean if you miss it the first time and have to go back a day or so later when it’s all dried up? “We rarely miss it the first time.”

The best tools one might use to clean up rancid old spunk: “A plain old rag, soap and water.”

Does he wear gloves on duty? “No, but I’m constantly washing my hands.”

A project he is currently involved in: Cataloguing a list of dance hits that he intends on distributing free of charge to people in the music industry. “Maybe I’ll be able to find employment from it, but it’s very tentative.”

Something else he is doing: Writing out scenarios for “30 to 40 fantasy-science-fiction comedy” movies he would like to someday see developed.

Where he sometimes hangs out: Parking, on Thursday night.

Favourite film of all time: Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

Last book read: The Listeners, by James Gunn.

Musical preferences: Lime, MC Mario.

Television preferences: Discovery channel, Star Trek.

Words of wisdom: “Mother Nature hasn’t disclosed this to science yet, but I think maybe there is a lunar cycle that affects men, giving them a one-day monthly cramp that is relieved only after they go to the bathroom once or twice. Personally, once a month I have to make a major shit and then I feel fine. Maybe there is a chemical that is shared with your testicles and sexual apparatus. I’m not sure. But don’t forget, these things are all next to your stomach, and there is a major chemical exchange between them during the day which might very well work on a monthly cycle too.” :

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