>> In All the Love You Cannes, the Troma film troupe crash the famous event, enacting their own unique class warfare with the film-biz elite

by MATTHEW HAYS

Many of those people who have never actually attended a big film festival have very mistaken perceptions of them. Big stars, fun parties, friendly people, commitment to actual art-if that’s what you’re thinking, forget it.
Now, finally, a feature-length documentary has arrived that dares to expose the real truth behind film fests. All the Love You Cannes, directed by Lloyd Kaufman and featuring the entire Troma troupe, takes aim at the Cannes event, with their distinctly take-no-prisoners, pull-no-punches approach.

Held every May, Cannes is generally considered the most important film fest in the world. Here, loads of pretentious Eurofags and greedy corporate assholes show up to shill their crappy, trumped-up movies. But in their new movie, Troma, the bizarre independent film company that’s produced approximately 100 features (see sidebar for various titles), crashes the event, upstaging stars, busting into parties and generally irritating the hell out of people who deserve it. All the Love You Cannes is an orgy of inspired lunacy, essential viewing for anyone even remotely interested in the film biz. Shot employing the strict tenets of Dogpile 95 (Troma’s answer to Dogma 95), the Troma team hits new heights of hilarity and new depths of depravity at once with this, a brilliant expose of all that’s wrong with the sleazoid world of the film-fest circuit.

The way we were

Cannes wasn’t always this way, says Troma cofounder and head honcho Kaufman. In fact, part of what inspired him to make this film is the sorry evolution of Cannes-a fest Kaufman’s been attending for some 30 years. “I think people need to be made aware that art is being stolen from the people,” Kaufman says, on the line from his New York office. “When I started going to Cannes I slept on the beach, I didn’t have enough money for a hotel. I had enough money to bring my movie, rent a theatre and make some leaflets. In ’71, the basic atmosphere was of a film festival-the police and citizens were helpful. They encouraged young people who were unknown to indulge in showmanship and guerrilla marketing tactics. They got a kick out of it.”

Not so today, reports Kaufman, who says the fest has dissolved into empty mammon with little room for art or nonconformity. “Now, 30 years later, the atmosphere has changed a lot. You obviously can’t sleep on the beach anymore. You can’t even put leaflets under doors anymore. As a poor little independent filmmaker, you used to be able to get your information out to the people. Now, unless you have $500,000 to rent a huge billboard on the side of the Carlton [Hotel], forget it.”

The other alternative, of course, is to watch this movie, a basic how-to primer on attending Cannes on a shoestring. Some of the tips? Early in the film, Kaufman cautions you to stuff as much airplane food into your bag, so you don’t have to pay for breakfast the next day. Also, if a friend can give you a lift from the airport, you’ll save on cab fare.

As might be expected of Troma, much of All the Love is wildly silly. (The tone is set immediately, as someone with a ludicrously phony French accent narrates the film’s preamble.) But that’s half the fun of it all-watching this rather mixed-up group of people turn heads and repulse members of the uptight film-biz machinery is often priceless. In particular, Troma’s courtesy hotel suite (where they meet the media and work to sell their films to distributors) sits adjacent to a Warner Bros.’ suite, where doors are often slammed due to Troma antics. (Warner employees repeatedly phone security to complain about Troma.)

Making the press

Kaufman and his gang of merry loonies go about getting every drop of publicity they can muster. They stage parades down the Croisette, filled with people dressed up in full costume as the superheroes populating Troma movies, including Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D., the Toxic Avenger and Dolphin Man (Spider-Man creator Stan Lee has been a major inspiration for Kaufman). At one point, the gang recreate a particularly gory sequence from one of their films, thoroughly freaking out passersby.

But the best bit of gonzo theatre created by the team-and what may well become the film’s signature sequence-has Troma, Inc. crashing a Jean-Claude Van Damme press conference. Set to be held on a pier, Van Damme, who is to arrive by boat, is waited on by what looks to be over 100 journalists and photographers. But the publicist in charge is soon having a meltdown as the Troma team begins to steal the limelight. How can the media resist people dressed up in wild kabuki outfits and giant dolphin costumes? The publicist has the rather stupid idea of telling the Troma types to “go to that end of the pier,” but to no avail. Van Damme’s boat finally arrives. It approaches the pier. He takes a good long look at the Troma gang in their outfits. The boat leaves, Van Damme with it. A furious press corps, feeling ripped off, turn their cameras on the publicity-hungry Troma troupe, who wallow in the attention.

Then there are the party crashings, at which Kaufman and his ilk-often in costumes again or, if female, simply topless-attempt to get past various bits of red rope. Not surprisingly, thug-like bouncers aren’t always warm to the idea of letting them in. But Tromites endure, and often, probably due to their sheer cinematic appearance, they manage to barge in. As well, we also get a glimpse of the Troma living quarters: a room meant to sleep about four people shelters about 30, most of whom simply crash on the floor. At one point, a junkie enters the suite to shower in the bathroom in the middle of the night. Awakened by the noise, the Troma team do what any self-respecting film crew would: they take shots of the junkie showering as one Tromite enters and lodges a baseball bat up the junkie’s ass. The scene is accompanied by shrieks of laughter. (Sadly, this sublime scene was cut from the theatrical version of the film, but will be included on the DVD.)

Julia Roberts vs. Africa

Despite their success at gaining publicity, however, it becomes quite clear that many of the Cannes elite hold their collective nose at the prospect of Troma’s decidedly grubby, déclassé tactics. “There are certainly those who complain about us having fun,” says Kaufman. “But I would care about artists, not Blockbusters. I hate them anyway. I’ve said this for years: these fascist followers, in the fullness of time, they’re the ones who’ll be looked upon as the obscene ones, not Troma. They’ll be looked upon as obscene, boasting of $100-milllion budgets, while 500,000 African children starve to death every year. Julia Roberts had her exclusive July 4 wedding, which probably cost more than the GNP of a small African nation. She’ll be looked upon as a Marie Antoinette one day.” (While acknowledging Troma’s enemies, Kaufman is also quick to point to their hefty list of fans and supporters, including Quentin Tarantino, who appears in the film, John Sayles, Guillermo del Toro and Peter Jackson.)

And Kaufman insists, despite handling films with titles like Surf Nazis Must Die! and Rabid Grannies, that his main aim is the defence and promotion of true art. “I’m one of the few auteur filmmakers in the world. I make movies that are totally an expression of my soul. I’m one of the few filmmakers who has total control. There’s Martin Scorsese. There’s Woody Allen. There’s Claude Chabrol. And there’s me.”

Kaufman hopes that when people see All the Love You Cannes, and read his forthcoming accompanying book (Make Your Own Damn Movie, due out this fall), they will come away inspired to make their own film projects. “I hope that one gets the feeling that there is indeed a bit of success if one pursues what one believes in. I hope the film leaves you with an uplifted spirit. As we filmed ourselves, it gave us a good feeling, that we’ve succeeded without any compromises. There’s no doubt we have to grovel. But I’m good at it. I’m good at giving full-swallow blow jobs to distributors. Hitchcock did it, Picasso did it. Van Gogh couldn’t do it so he cut his ear off and blew his brains out. I don’t think I’ll cut my ear off but I could blow my brains out.

“The French press have compared me to Salvador Dali and Duchamps and Luis Bunuel. What they meant was that my films are rather Dadaist, but also, after they’re made, we’re out there enjoying ourselves and part of a great tradition of showmanship.

“Most people don’t want to make movies with people getting their heads crushed and with shitting and pissing. But I do. I like lesbians and sex and violence. Most people want to do things that are slightly more restrained. If they see Troma doing what we’re doing with total freedom and abandon and integrity, without cheating or laying people off, that’s an example. People can look at us and say, ‘If these guys can exist for 30 years with films like Citizen Toxie and Terror Firmer, and ripping off arms and penises, then shit, anyone can do it.’

“Maybe the John Sayleses of the future can take a look at what we do and be inspired by it.”

Lloyd Kaufman will introduce All the Love You Cannes when it screens on July 19–21 as part of Comedia, the Just for Laughs Film event

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