Rule bloody Britannia!

>> The Pub Landlord sets the colonies straight
on English superiority

by CHRIS BARRY

Al Murray is a writer/comic whose considerable talent has won him something near three billion awards in his native England—not the least being the prestigious British Guild of Beer Writers Award for Humorous Writing About Beer in 1996, a fiercely competitive affair to be sure. Most recently the sun’s been shining out his ass for his Pub Landlord character, an acerbic nasty brute whose nationalistic rantings and unique philosophical leanings have earned him the wrath of at least a few confused but politically correct Brits.

The star of the hugely popular British TV show Time Gentlemen Please, the Pub Landlord does his deal on the set of a make-shift pub where “men are men and pub dogs are pub dogs. A place where you have to understand that, ‘rules is rules, and if we didn’t have rules then where would we be, eh? That’s right, France!’” A pretty funny guy—for a stand-up comedian, at least—the Mirror had it out with him over the phone in preparation for his appearance at Just for Laughs.

Mirror: A lot of your stand-up shtick seems to be spur of the moment, taking the piss out of various audience members. Do you often come across people in the crowd who possess a sharper wit than your own?
Pub Landlord: It’s not a question of wit, my friend. It’s all about informing audiences, putting them straight and making the way of the world clear to them. If they pipe up, that’s when they find themselves in trouble.

M: So I should take that as a no then, right? Is it possible this lack of challenge might be because you generally work with British audiences, who are, as I’m sure you are aware, a little bit dimmer than they are over here?

PL: Watch it, pal. British audiences are the finest audiences in the world. Why else is my country called Great Britain? Canada hasn’t even got itself an adjective, has it, mate?

M: No, I guess we don’t. How humiliating. Hey, uh, just wondering, do you ever stay up at night worrying about the pitiful decline of the once mighty British Empire?
PL: At least we had an Empire, squire. Canada’s never even had a shot at the top, has it? Better to have loved and lost. And I certainly can’t see you lot having the get up and go to conquer the world. So if I were you I’d be tossing and turning at night about how you Canadians just can’t seem to cut the mustard.

M: Oooh, it hurts. So tell me, are you impressed with how the Americans have become the new cultural imperialists, picking up where you Brits left off, oh, I don’t know, maybe 100 years ago?
PL: Say what you want, pal, but in which language are they dominating the cultural landscape? English—although the spelling’s a bit wayward. Besides, in the grand order of things it bothers me not one bit. The Americans see the War of Independence as a glorious victory, but never forget, we English see it as a lucky escape. We could see how they were going to turn out, so we settled for you Canadians instead. She’s your Queen!

M: Speaking of Liz, any thoughts on the nonsense you people call the Jubilee?
PL: Fifty glorious years on the throne, mate. And though she’s an older lady now you can’t deny that back in the ’50s you would have done her. Any red-blooded male would have. She’s only human but she has two birthdays because she’s better than you. And, with two birthdays, all those extra presents have rolled over and made her the richest woman in the world. She’s your Queen!

M: Does one learn to become a good fighter as a Pub Landlord?
PL: Running a pub involves knowing how to read a situation—when to judge the point at which a drink being spilt will lead to fisticuffs. At Landlord Academy I majored in Bar Physics and Fight Dynamics, including “Leave It He’s Not Worth It” strategies. And unlike the baseball bat, the trusty English cricket bat offers you a choice of surfaces with which to smack any troublemaker around the chops. We British are born fighters, as you may know. Want proof? Who’s the Heavyweight Champion of the World? British-born Lennox Lewis. Just like Canada, he works for us.

Al Murray the Pub Landlord is at the Centaur July 16, 19, 20 & 21. Tickets $17.50

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