| This week: Vince Neil, Little Grease, Gendo Ikari, Fuyutsuki Kouzou! Plus: Search for gay skater porn continues!!
M Hey, this is Sebastian from Rhythm Mercenaries. I’m calling about the rant left about me a couple of weeks ago. I have to say that I agree and you are so right. We all agree-the whole band does. So I invite you to our next show, sometime in August. I’ll put you on the guest list as Crew Slut. Thanks for all the promo, sweet tits. [BLEEP!] M I’m just calling to respond to the guy who was aghast and appalled and shocked at the popularity of metal. If you care so much about being cool and having good taste, you should know that right now it’s really cool to be into metal. It’s cool to be into Ozzy and Iron Maiden, all that shit. Weezer had Iron Maiden T-shirts on! So you should probably try to enjoy metal for at least a few more months-you can be a cynical, ironic, 20-something, university Arts student who likes metal. Think about it. Personally, I think it’s cool that in a city like Montreal on the same weekend you can have the Mutek festival, the metal festival and the goth festival. We’re a bit more open-minded than Toronto. [BLEEP!] M Regarding all this stuff about Neuraxis and the metalhead thing-here’s my little two cents. To the guy who’s got the background in psychology, well, lots of people have a background in psychology. I’ve got a background in MUSIC THEORY and you know what? Metal music is way more complicated than pop music and there is a lot more to it than you think. There’s more to it than just a bunch of violent guys running around banging their heads, okay? You could actually call it AGGRESSIVE NEO-CLASSICAL music. But then you’re too small-minded to understand that kind of thing because you’ve got your head up your ass with armchair psychology. [BLEEP!] M I’m calling to rant about Vince Neil, man. The dude is fat and ugly! He’s got, like, THREE CHINS and he’s orange because he’s been on the beach too much and he’s fucking horrible. He can’t sing. He fucking sucks. I met Tommy Lee about a month ago and he was such a GENTLEMAN and so nice and so sexy and Vince Neil just fucking sucks. I paid $40 to see this motherfucker sing songs that he doesn’t know how to sing anymore. And he hurt my girlfriend with his fucking mic. [BLEEP!] F Hey, for that chick who cums all over herself watching gay porn. Last night, I strapped on this dildo and I started RAMMING my boyfriend’s ass and, man, he came all over himself too! I’m suggesting this to those girl lovers of gay porn-strap on a dildo and ram your guy’s ass. Let’s see how far that’ll get you. Yum. Bye. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, this is going out to the girl who wants gay skater porn. Come by the Lachine skater park. My name’s Fred, ask for me and you’ll find out. Ciao. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, this is Little Grease. You want fag skater porn? Just ask those poseurs who walk down hills with their boards under their arms. [BLEEP!] M For the person looking for gay skater porn. There’s a movie called Skateboard Sliders-gay porn, B-boy skaters, big dicks and double penetration. It’s a good movie. Have fun. [BLEEP!] M Hi. Just calling about the flyers for Sky’s Hard On night, Friday night-great name, by the way. But the flyers, yeah, you have Gendo Ikari and Fuyutsuki Kouzou? If I was gonna use two animated characters to represent gay boys having a good time, it wouldn’t be those two. Okay, have a good night. [BLEEP!] M Last year around this time I took out a few ads looking for a roommate. One middle-aged guy came around and he seemed really cool and too good to be true. He was. He stole $50 out of my wallet- he dashed off and never came back. But seeking help from the local police at Precinct 8 on 15th avenue in Lachine added insult to injury. A new young woman cop stared at me blankly when I went to ask about filing a report. “For $50?” she said sarcastically. “It’s not murder.” She tried to persuade me not to bother, saying I had no real evidence anyway. I persisted and today that old prickface who stole from me won’t be bothering anyone anymore because he’s in jail for two years because he pleaded guilty to my charge. It’s unfortunate that the police so quickly forget why they became police officers, that they have a duty to uphold the law, whether it be great or small. [BLEEP!] M The end of knowledge is the beginning of wisdom. Keep learning because you’re still a bunch of idiots and there’s lots to learn before you start being wise. I’m talking to all the scientists out there. You’ve made a mess of our world. You’re responsible for thinking up all this crap along with your BUSINESSMEN MASTERS who are putting it into the market. You better start using some wisdom with your knowledge before we are all extinct. [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum
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