American ugly

World Cup Corner

by JASON BOGDANERIS

Is this the end of the soccer world as we know it? For purists, the U.S.A.'s improbable victory against Portugal sure felt like it. Watching a proud footballing nation, dripping with style, lose to a bunch of kids who play like they learned the sport from a Berlitz course was a disconcerting sight.

Sandwiched between fly fishing and women's bowling on a second-string cable channel, it barely created a ripple stateside. But Americans love a winner and if they have any more success, suddenly it'll be standing room only on the soccer bandwagon.

Until last week's shocker the sporting landscape seemed pretty clear. Americans dominated games where size, strength and steroids ruled and let the rest of the world excel at "sissy" sports like soccer, badminton or table tennis. But if the U.S. team becomes a force to be reckoned with, one can only imagine what the Americanization of soccer might look like. Lush grassy pitches might suddenly resemble mini-putt greens and imbecilic nicknames would become all the rage. Are you ready for the Madrid Mudslides versus the Liverpool Fog?

The game itself would inevitably get a makeover too, once the networks got involved. A colour-coded Shot-O-Meter at the bottom of the screen to measure the velocity of free kicks, maybe? Or how about shin-guard cams for close-ups of those bone-rattling tackles complete with Nintendo-like sound effects?

With a population of 300-million people, and registration among youth increasing, a power shift was inevitable. Maybe after courting America for so long, FIFA should start playing hard to get again. There are lots of ways to make the game more unappealing south of the border. Reducing the size of the nets could be a start. Less scoring would probably create self-esteem issues for youngsters and drive stat-happy Americans crazy. Or maybe the secret is to make matches even longer-that's bound to clash with shrinking attention spans. No matter what the approach, drastic measures are needed to stem the latest tide of Yanqui imperialism. A revolution may be on the horizon-and for most Americans, this one will definitely not be televised.

The common assumption is that soccer isn't a TV friendly sport. According to critics, it's slow, played on a wide expanse of field and features too few goals. But it offers something few other team sports can: the dramatic close-up. With players free of caps, helmets or facemasks, viewers get to enjoy a game within the game as told by the television cameras. This World Cup has already featured a number of revealing moments that viewers in the stadium probably missed. There was a great shot of Brazil's Rivaldo right before a penalty kick, his eyes darting to his chosen corner like a cat about to pounce. Or Paraguay's Jose-Luis Chilavert, absurdly chewing out teammates after his own blunders, like football's version of Captain Queeg in Mutiny on the Bounty. But my favourite is the inevitable post-foul ritual. First, the ridiculously exaggerated grimace of agony followed by the brief, hopeful glimpse in the direction of the referee. A real World Cup classic.

At the start of this competition, there was much concern over a possible terrorist strike against the French team. Extreme security measures and a phalanx of military personnel shadowed the world champions. Ultimately, France's demise was self-inflicted. Their attempts to score even a single goal eventually took on a farcical parlour-game quality, from their opening match against Senegal that played out like a game of broken telephone, to their pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey attempts to find the back of the net against the Danes. Now their party's over and France will go back to being famous for arrogance and pastries.