This week: Boomer suicide, speed,
baby blue gangstas!

Plus: Should taggers have their hands chopped off?!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F Okay, one minute, I have to put down my vodka. I saw a Russian rock band the other week. Their name was [sounds like] Glas. Let me tell you something, you can do rock ’n’ roll in French and can get away with it sometimes—if your name is Michel Pagliaro. One minute, another sip of vodka… okay. And you can do rock ’n’ roll in English for sure, everybody knows that. But you cannot do rock ’n’ roll in Russian. No, I’m sorry. It doesn’t work, it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. [BLEEP!]

F I just saw a news report saying that BOOMERS are more likely to commit suicide than any other age group. That’s gotta be because they’ve all been listening to CHOM. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. We’re just calling to say that we love SPEED. Speed is fucking amazing. We are now on the corner of Ste-Catherine and Berri and we’re fucking high and we’re listening to music and it’s fucking amazing and speed is good and vivre le Montreal, motherfuckers, vivre le Montreal! [BLEEP!]

M So, I’m going through my old records and I pick up the Sisters of Mercy and I play it at 45 and you know what? It’s kind of fun, it’s kind of HAPPY. So, all of you out there who are still dredging Goth, I have one thing to say: play it at 45 and you’ll feel better, you’ll feel good. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, I wanna rant about all those hip hop, homey gangstas wearing BABY BLUE, dude. What’s up with that? They’re trying to pick up some chicks wearing baby blue sweatpants with T-shirts and baby blue hats? I think that’s fucking lame. Anyway, peace out. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, Mirror, what’s up with you guys and your Best of Montreal Busker section? It totally makes NO SENSE, man. Every single year, your readers name the same damned people within a five block radius and most of these people aren’t even performers, man. They’re not even real buskers. Take a trip down to Old Montreal, go to Place Jacques-Cartier, go check out the guys performing. These guys are professional buskers who know what the shit’s all about, man. Half of the people your readers named are fucking panhandlers, man, they’re not even artists. They’re not the best! Too bad, man. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, I just thought I’d let you know that I think Shaggy sucks, ’80s return sucks, people who wanna look like rock stars suck, Gina girls suck, girls who use “like like” excessively suck, drunk McGill students suck, miserable artsy Mile-End people suck and, finally, people who rip off other people’s ideas suck. Thanks. I feel much better. [BLEEP!]

M To the little man who works at a small store on St-Laurent who admits to doing graffiti. Now you know what it feels like to have your property defiled by ill-bred scum. The City of Montreal spends over $1-million a year to clean up these acts of VANDALISM. Money that could be better spent helping the poor. It’s time to get tough with these lowlifes and put them to work cleaning up their mess—perhaps the schools could include an awareness program to inform the kids that this tagging hobby is a menace. Just because your rock star idol has seen fit to vandalize his body with tattoos—body graffiti—it’s not a cool thing to do to damage public property. Just be thankful that you don’t live in certain Islamic countries where you could get your HANDS CHOPPED OFF. [BLEEP!]

M Parallel lines and everything aside, I’d really like to know if there is a God and if there is one out there, I’d like to see Celine Dion and the Rolling Stones jam together. I think it would be fitting, don’t you? [BLEEP!]

M Hello, God, this is Man. I thought you up a while ago to try and explain things I really didn’t understand, but now I’ve got a better idea as to how they work so I don’t think I need you anymore. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I would just like to say that I know God personally and he would not leave a message like the one last week because he’s not that TACKY. He doesn’t talk like that, he doesn’t act like that, what he basically does is fuck a lot and smoke cigars and has people worship him. And he eats a lot of chocolate. So, I know that’s not you God really leaving a message on the Rant Line™ so fuck off, loser! [BLEEP!]

M My rant is actually a question. If you see a police officer HITTING an individual without justification three times—three hard hits to the face—would you go to the police station and file a complaint, and why? That’s what I would like to know because that’s what I saw last night. So I’d like some feedback from people from this beautiful city. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I just saw an ad for dog food that has GARLIC as one of its main ingredients. I don’t know about anybody’s dog needing to have garlic breath on top of everything else. That’s my rant. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum