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This week: Pro-noia, Romeo and Juliet, early morning puke! Plus: The end of science!!
“edited”
by AL SOUTH
F Hi. I’m just calling because I just left the ballet Romeo and Juliet at Place des Arts, which was just absolutely fantastic. Right after the FINAL CURTAIN went down, a good chunk of the audience left before applauding for the dancers and somebody actually walked right into me while I was trying to see the last curtain call. I find this very, very rude and I think that people should have more respect for these artists. Thank you. [BLEEP!] M How much do you want to bet those people calling in and propping CHOM work there? [BLEEP!] M Hey, this is just to let you know that my friend just came in from B.C. with a big WAD OF POT and every time I smoke it, I get super, super paranoid. I was, like, “Doesn’t everyone get super paranoid with this powerful grass from out there?” And my friend said to me, “No, it’s not paranoia, you just gotta trick your mind into PRO-NOIA.” And pro-noia is the sneaking suspicion that everyone is out there to help you, not the sneaking suspicion that everyone is out to get you. So I was really happy and now every time I smoke pot, I feel good. [BLEEP!] M Should scientific discussion become a regular feature on the Rant Line™? Yes! Save me from the hip hop thugs! Save me from cock rock lovers who listen to CHOM! Save me from men obsessed with TITS! Save me from people who call in about bathhouses! Save me from all the stupidity that is Rant Line™! Thank you. More scientific discussion! Thank you. [BLEEP!] F This is to Mr. Scientist who thinks he’s so big because he lives in a TEXTBOOK BUBBLE. Sorry to inform you, buddy, but the world is a spiral and has a hell of a lot more than three dimensions, you puny human. So get with it, fuck, because I have an infinity to get back to. Bye bye. [BLEEP!] M This is for the Scientist who thinks there’s no place for heaven in the universe. Basically, heaven has got nothing to do with the three dimensions of the universe that he was describing. The whole point of heaven is that we release ourselves from these three dimensions and move on to something greater. Thank God heaven is there because, if we only lived within the three dimensions of this universe, I’d wanna kill myself, wouldn’t you? [BLEEP!] M Hello, Scientist. This is God. I made you and I can destroy you when I feel like it. So stop being sarcastic and pretending that you know anything about me and that you know anything about the universe. You saw the Hubble pictures? Well, I gave you the Hubble pictures to let you have a better idea of what I look like. So don’t pretend that you know anything, Scientist. You have so far to go to know anything. It will take you millions and billions of years to be intelligent. But since you only live 80 years and then you die, you will never really be intelligent. Try to memorize your facts as good as you can. [BLEEP!] F Okay, so the initial question was: what’s the deal with parallel lines? Everybody says they don’t intersect and someone said they did, at infinity. Well, in Euclidean geometry, infinity doesn’t even exist. So you can understand how there would be a lot of responses. Still, even in non-Euclidean geometry, do you really want to designate infinity as a point just to make a statement that will make all of Montreal freak out? In geometry like this, all lines intersect at infinity but in usual geometry parallel lines do not meet. There’s no such thing as infinity and it is wrong to say that parallel lines meet at infinity. Of course, one geometry cannot be more true than another, it can only be more convenient. So everyone is right, let’s move on. [BLEEP!] M Hey, number one, fuck science in the ass, it’s boring. Stop it. Number two, people who PUKE on the side streets around St-Laurent at three o’clock in the morning—please stop doing that. People have to get up to go to work and it’s really not fun to leave the house and step in someone’s fucking puke, all right? Bye. [BLEEP!] F For the girl who’s looking for another girl to fool around with her and her boyfriend, I just wanna say that if you find someone, send her my way after. Bye. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, I want to rant about how it’s not cool to be cool anymore and how cool people are the new losers. And how it’s the losers who are cool now. I just want to say that I would rather be loser cool than cool uncool. That’s it. [BLEEP!] Next week: Open forum
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