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Plus:
Non-Euclidean geometry and
“edited”
by AL SOUTH
F Man, that guy who hates CHOM is an idiot. He should be thankful to live in a city with such a great rock station! What does he like, classical music or something? [BLEEP!] M I work at a small store on St-Laurent and we often get hit by graffiti. Now, I myself like to do graffiti—I only TAG, I don’t draw stuff. But why is it that there are certain taggers who feel no remorse if they tag a small store like the bookstore on St-Laurent? I often see other small stores with tags written across their windows, not even well done. To the taggers who do this, what are you thinking? Tag a bank, tag a cop station! Who are you trying to hurt or to speak out against? If you just want to do it for fun, why would you hit a small store where you know it’s costly for them to clean it up and it’s a big mess? How would somebody defend such a thing? [BLEEP!] F This is for the guy who mentioned just loud enough that I was a perfect case for BREAST IMPLANTS as I was walking by him on Ste-Catherine. So you think I’d look better with huge boobs like your mom has? Well, I think you would probably look better when you keep your mouth shut and mind your manners. There’s enough CLEAVAGE in this town to choke you and your friends in front of the arcade. So if I’m happy being small-breasted then mind your own business and be nice. Okay, thanks. Bye. [BLEEP!] M Has anyone seen Tam Tam Tits at the Mountain this year? I love that little TART but last year I didn’t even see her or her great tits all summer. Tam Tam Tits, come back home, we miss you! [BLEEP!] M I’m calling representing the Responsible Pit Bull Owners of Montreal. I’m tired of all this negative publicity about pits. There’s no such thing as bad dogs, there are only bad and irresponsible owners. I was the owner of two beautiful female sister pit bulls, the most beautiful, nicest bitches you’ll meet. One of them was viciously gunned down by a SWAT officer when my house was being STORMED. I filed a complaint with the police ethics commission and it was accepted. Nevertheless, Blaze isn’t gonna be coming back. So, all you responsible owners, beware and be responsible because you might be next. [BLEEP!] M Well, as long as we’re sharing, I don’t like smoking, homophobia, injustice, determined applications of stupidity, high tuitions, high student debt, designer clothes, suicide, fake happiness, being obsessed with money, superficiality, cars, bad grammar, psychiatry, religious bigotry, rationalism, bad music in clubs, poverty, homelessness, cuts to social programs, tax cuts for the wealthy, the concept of victimless crimes, guns, naïveties and McDonald’s. Bye. [BLEEP!] M Well, well, my rant about parallel lines is starting to rival that of Panty Girl. In response to the ignorant reader who thinks I need math courses: I just finished four years of exactly that at McGill and I suggest he pick up any book on NON-EUCLIDEAN GEOMETRY and turn to the chapter on projected geometry. By the way, parallel planes also intersect at infinity in a line. Peace. [BLEEP!] F The imagination is infinite. Infinity cannot be charted by mathematics, therefore infinity is imagination and vice versa. Therefore anything can happen in the imagination including parallel lines intersecting. [BLEEP!] M Hi there. This is a SCIENTIST and I feel I should really clear up the whole Big Bang thing. I’m afraid the Big Bang did happen because a) the universe is expanding and has been the last 15-billion years since the Big Bang happened and b) entropy is gradually increasing in the universe, which means it had to start somewhere from a highly negentropic state. You can take heart though that, fortunately, the beginning of time did not occur 15 billion years ago, just the beginning of the universe. Before this, everything residing in the singularity—thought to be an infinitely small and infinitely dense point in space—was actually much larger than it was originally estimated to be. In fact, its point size was 10-33 of a centimetre across. So what actually happened was the entire three dimensions that space are, blew up from that tiny point to be what they currently are right now—a 15-billion light year radius called the universe. Eventually, everything will get sucked in black holes where there are singularities like the one at the beginning of our universe and everything will flop out into another three dimensions somewhere else entirely. It’s so hard to accept but that’s just the way it is. Unfortunately, if you believe all this, it sort of negates the possibility of heaven existing anywhere because there’s nowhere for it to be. I’ll phone back and tell you about that sometime but, right now, I have to eat this apple. [BLEEP!] Next week:
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