Nightlife
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Love
him, hate him, let’s all debate him
Jupiter Room’s Dom Castelli takes the heat
 by
RUPERT BOTTENBERG
One way or another, people are taking notice of Domenic Castelli,
booker and barkeep at the Jupiter Room. You’ve voted him
in as number-one scenester, number-two bartender, ninth tackiest
person and, in conjunction with brother Dave, third place for
closest to hell. Mr. Castelli, how do you plead to these charges?
Most prominent scenester: “I don’t think I deserve
it, I’ve just been working the bar this year. It’s
pretty nice, though. My heart’s still where it was—with
the bands. They need guidance, and I talk to bands in, uh, band
talk.”
Best bartender (second place): “The key is, lots of smiling
and lots of entertainment. When I go to a bar, I should be entertained
by something, be it a bartender or a band. People should have
a good time. If they’re sitting alone, I’ll tell ’em
a really bad joke—which I’m really good at!”
(Dom’s bad joke of the year: “What did the mayonnaise
say to the guy who opened the fridge? ‘Close the door,
I’m dressing!’”)
Tackiest Montrealer (ninth place, and well-deserved after that
stinker of a riddle): “That’s how I am. There’s
nothing wrong with that. I don’t pretend to be someone
else, I don’t walk around as a scenester—I’m
Dom. There’s nothing you can do about that. Don’t
like it, go fuck yourself.”
Closest to hell (third place): “I’ll tell you what
hell is, it’s working with bands and their egos! Fucking
hell! A whole show could be cancelled because we got the wrong
kind of bottled water backstage, and believe you me, it’s
almost happened several times.” l
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Most
prominent scenester
1. Dom Castelli
2. Inobe
3. Jake Brown
4. Plastik Patrik
5. DJ Frigid
Best dance
club
1. Jet
2. Stereo
3. Foufounes Électriques
4. Sona
5. Sky
6. Living
7. Blizzarts
8. Saphir
9. Dome
10. Club 737
Jet, the straight
bar on the border of the gay Village, tops the category for the first
time. Hope it’s not a bad omen: last year’s winner, Unity,
is now out of business.
Best club
night
1. Saturday
2. Friday
3. Thursday
4. Therapy at Jello
5. The Grill at Blizzarts
6. Panic/Dark Wave Nights at Saphir
7. Overdose night at Parking
8. Flight Fridays at Jet
9. Formula 1 at Foufs
10. L’Eighties at Jupiter Room
Yeah, hey, Sunday
through Wednesday just called and they’re all hurt that you guys
didn’t vote for them. C’mon, kids, get out there and give
those nights the ol’ college try. Like the Beasties said, “Smokin’
and drinkin’ on a Tuesday night…”
Best afterhours
1. Sona
2. Stereo
3. Aria
4. Redlite
5. My place
Best live
venue
1. Metropolis
2. Spectrum
3. La Sala Rossa
4. Club Soda
5. Cabaret
6. Foufounes Électriques
7. Le Swimming
8. L’X
9. Medley
10. Casa del Popolo
Best watering
hole
1. Bifteck
2. Brutopia
3. Cock ’n’ Bull
4, Peel Pub
5. Madhatter
6. Carlos and Pepes
7. Copacabana
8. McKibbins
9. Bily Kun
10. Else’s
Best terrasse
1.
St. Sulpice
2. St. Elisabeth
3. Club 737
4. Miami
5. Santropol
6. Sugar
7. Foufounes Électriques
8. Loft
9. Thursdays
10. Vol de Nuit
Best pool
hall
1. Sharx
2. Le Swimming
3. Le Skratch
4. Bacci
5. Fats
Best happy
hour
1. Peel Pub
2. Carlos & Pepes
3. Brutopia
4. Foufounes Électriques
5. Cheers
6. Else’s
7. Vol de Nuit
8. Cock ’n’ Bull
9. Newtown
10. McKibbins
Best gay bar
1. Sky
2. Parking
3. Unity (RIP)
4. Drugstore
5. Sisters
Best lesbian
bar
1. Sisters
2. Magnolia
3. Sky
Best pickup spot
1. Cheers
2. Thursday’s
3. Winnie’s
4. Parking
5. McKibbins
Best strip
club
1.
Super Sexe
2. Wanda’s
3. Chez Parée
4. Club 281
5. Amazones
5. Candies
6. Club Downtown
7. Solid Gold
8. Kamasutra
9. L’Axe
10. Taboo
Best rave/party
1.
Bal en Blanc
2. Black and Blue
3. cloud
4. Swirl
5. Celebration
Best jazz
bar
1. Biddle’s
2. Upstairs
3. Casa del Popolo
4. Escogriffe
4. Jello
5. Sofa
Best lounge
1. Luba
2. Gogo
3. Jello
4. Sofa
5. Typhoon
6. Quartier Latin
7. Blizzarts
8. Wax Lounge
9. Bubbles
10. Bily Kun
Best drink
1. Beer
2. Smirnoff Ice
3. Cranberry vodka
4. Sex on the Beach
5. Amaretto Sour
6. Gin & tonic
7. Rum & Coke
8. Cosmopolitan
9. Martini
10. Mohito
Honourable mentions: Long Island ice tea • Guinness • Juicy
Pussy • Absinthe • Liquid cocaine • Red Bull and Vodka
Best drug
1.
Marijuana
2. Ecstasy
3. Cocaine
4. Mushrooms
5. Alcohol
6. GHB
7. Caffeine
8. Ketamine
9. Speed
10. Tylenol
Montreal loves
weed! Montreal also loves theatrical Genesis cover bands, faux-felt
jester hats, poutine and drawstring Guatemalan pants. You draw the
correlation.
Best hangover
remedy
1.
Water
2. More booze
3. Sleep
4. Greasy breakfast
5. Pot
6. Coffee
7. Sex
8. Aspirin
9. Don’t drink in the first place
10. Tomato juice
Honourable mentions: Calling in sick • Vomiting • Waking
up and seeing her three kids
Best bartender
1. Silva at Foufs
2. Dom at Jupiter Room
3. Karl at Sky
4. Elaine at Brutopia
5. Helen at Blue Dog
Best pickup
line
1. Hello
2. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir
Honourable mentions: Hi, there’s something I’d like to get
off your chest • I’m an anchor man... can I drop my anchor
in your port? • Are you going to walk me home? • Can I buy
you a condo or something? • Can I buy you a drink, or do you
just want the money? • Can I feel your bum? • Did you see
Moulin Rouge? • Do you want to get high? • Hello, I am single,
unemployed and I live with my parents • Hey, are you that whore
from St-Laurent street? • Hey, I work at the Cavendish Mall •
I’m in a band, does that turn you on? • Hi, I’m not
gay • Hi, I’m a photographer and blah blah blah • How
much to piss in your mouth? • Hi, I just took Ecstasy for the
first time in my life • I am sorry, but I just had to tell you
that I would rather be rejected by you than hit on by any other beautiful
person in this club • I can’t find a dump truck, so, can
I drop my load down your throat? • I just got back from Haiti
working for an NGO • I know Gino Odjick personally • I want
to drink your bathwater • I’ll give you five bucks for head
• I’m in the Dears • Is Helium a diatomic element?
• Is your father a terrorist, cause you’re da bomb! •
Nice legs! What time they open? • Wanna see me lick my eyebrows?
• Well, it won’t suck itself • What do you think about
the Mid-East crisis • Would you like see my garter belt collection?
• Yo baby, yo baby YO! • You got beer?
Sexiest French
pickup line
1. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
2. Bonjour
3. Souce-tu?
Honorable mentions: J’te trouve beau en crisse • Bonjour,
je m’appelle Monsieur Sex Machine • Combien pour un complet?
• Je veux t’apprivoiser • Ar you goeng to walk mee
‘ome? • Insertez vos doigts don mon cul • Je parle
pas francais. Mais j’ai un gros queue ! Aimerait tu le voir ?
• Je te veux dans mes pantalons • J’tinvite pour une
partie de jambes en l’air! • J’veux t’mager la
plotte! • Liche-moi, tabarnac • Quelle belles yeaux tu as!
• T’as-tu du feu? • Tu are la belle chick ici •
Tu as des tres belles dents • Tu es destinee d’etre mon
esclave pour la vie • Vien chez nous la la? • Voulais vous
humpe?
Best place
to get hit on by a jerk
1. On Crescent
2. Thursday’s
3. Winnie’s
4. Cheers
5. Peel Pub
6. Dome
7. Jupiter Room
8. On St-Laurent
9. Bus stop
10. SONA
Best drag
queen
1. Mado Lamotte
2. Plastik Patrik
3. Manny
4. Venus
5. Asbestos Felt
Honourable mentions: Sheena Hershey, Verushka, Jacklyn Jet
