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This week: Wah-wah pedals, intersecting parallel lines, falafel calamity! Plus: Offer to sell dirty panties applauded, decried!!
“edited”
by AL SOUTH
F This is for the chick who wanted to know if there were any real-life GROUPIES in Montreal. Yeah, there are, and I’m one of them. I go to shows, see guys, party with guys and sleep with them, for that matter. We’re alive and we’re kicking and we tour and we do the whole thing. Why are you even asking? Do you want to be one? Do you wanna be a groupie? Then network, my darling, network. Later. Peace out. [BLEEP!] F The local music scene is not what it used to be. Where the hell are all the Goth metal punk bars? I was away too long. The scene is gone and the only bars left are full of bitches and dance pop lovers. Where the hell are you people? I’d really like to know where the Goth bars have gone. [BLEEP!] M Yo, this is in response to the question about barbershop. There is a four-part harmony group called the Four Brothers who will be launching their ambitious career this summer. So look out, sucka, ’cuz we coming at ya! Yeaow! [BLEEP!] M My name is Rob and I’m just sitting here with my girl—before having sex we like reading through the Rant Line™—and I was reading to her about this guy who sent his demo tape in to COOL FM and he’s pissed because they won’t play it and it’s discrimination because he’s in an all-English band. Well, not that I’m a big fan of COOL FM, but they do play a lot more English than French. So buddy, trust me, it’s not discrimination—it must be because you suck. Peace, man. [BLEEP!] F For the girl with the DIRTY PANTIES—nobody wants to buy your dirty panties because you know what? I’ve got dirty panties, all my girlfriends have dirty panties! If we want to stick our dirty panties into our own or other people’s faces, that’s a personal issue. And what kind of people want to buy your dirty panties from you? Give me a break, man. We’ve all got assholes, we’ve all got pussies, we’ve all got jism-dripping cocks! We all have our fabulous secretions in our own underwear, so we don’t need yours. Thank you. [BLEEP!] F I find it very, very disturbing that somebody would want to try and sell their dirty panties on the Rant Line™, and even more disturbing that anybody might want to buy them. That’s all. You people are SICK. [BLEEP!] M I want that girl to know that I might be interested in purchasing her used undergarments, but I would also like to own a picture of her so I can visualize whose cunt I am actually SNIFFING while I jerk off. And how much money do you want for them anyway? And how long will you have been wearing your panties before you sell them? Thank you. This may all seem a little intrusive but I am prepared to do business. [BLEEP!] M Hey Panty Girl. I think me and you, we was made to be together. Listen to me, I want you to rant back and tell me how I can get in touch with you. I don’t have e-mail. Let’s hook up, all right? [BLEEP!] M I was biking down Ste-Catherine today and I had just bought some FALAFEL near Guy street and the bag I was carrying them in got caught in my back wheel and broke open and all the falafel went all over the ground. But worse, I also fell off the bike and all these people were honking and laughing at me as cars kept going by while I was scurrying around trying to pick up my falafel while it was getting run over by oncoming traffic. So to all those people, remember this: next time you’re riding your bike and you drop your dinner that you bought with the last money you own, just watch out, ’cuz I’m gonna be there just laughing at your ass. That’s right, just laughing. [BLEEP!] M Why is it okay for dogs to piss on the street but it’s not okay for people to do the same thing? I think dogs should just learn to use the toilet like everyone else. [BLEEP!] M I was wondering if anybody knows where I could hire a NUDE MAID. Maybe a nice young university student, someone who needs some money and who likes to clean. Peace. [BLEEP!] M What’s the deal with PARALLEL LINES? Everybody says parallel lines don’t intersect. But they do, at infinity! [BLEEP!]
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