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This week: Real-life groupies, dirty panties, the Italian Mafia! Plus: Origin of the universe explained!!
“edited”
by AL SOUTH M You know what this city needs? It needs BARBERSHOP QUARTETS. I go out to a lot of shows, some bluegrass, blues, but I never see any barbershop. If there’s a barbershop scene in Montreal that I don’t know about, please someone let me know. Bye. [BLEEP!] F Yeah, so, like, whatever happened to Da Bloody Gashes? Maybe they cut themselves a little too deep this time or maybe the knife just got stuck in Chloe’s ass? [BLEEP!] F It’s not the music that’s turning me off of the local music scene. It’s those goddamn power-tripping security guards who beat the fuck out of little kids for no reason at shows. Next time I see a security guard beating the shit out of some poor little innocent kid, I’m gonna cut off his balls. Thank you. [BLEEP!] M About the Antibalas show. They were absolutely great, but the other three bands before them were pure crap. It started off with a Rolling Stones-wannabe garage ice cool band who were followed by some gay Toronto band with UNFIT GIMPS trying to go-go—playing summer camp-like songs and trying to make people do these stupid Club Med moves. There were at least eight of them onstage and it still sounded like a two-member band. People must stop promoting stuff just because it’s gay—that band would have never made it there if they were straight. Okay? Whoever booked this show should have booked the Kaliroots or any other good band that fits with the headlining act. Taber-fucking-nacle. [BLEEP!] F Hey, my question is do real-life groupies actually still exist? I mean, I went to a concert on Monday and I chilled with the band and they SIGNED MY STOMACH but I didn’t sleep with them or anything. But there are always these really skanky chicks hanging around backstage. I wonder, are they really sleeping with the bands or not? Peace out. [BLEEP!] F I live on the sixth floor of an apartment building and I’m lying in bed and some asshole drives by blaring Celine Dion from the car and I can hear it. I’m lying in bed, for Christ’s sake! I have a serious HANGOVER. I know we’re in Quebec and everything, but the very notion of Celine Dion remains completely heinous. But alone at noon on a Saturday, when I have a wicked hangover? Please people, please! That’s just mean. Thank you. [BLEEP!] M The world’s gonna fucking explode unless the ITALIANS come and take over like they used to, like in the ’80s. The streets were safe, people were happy. Now you got these little shit gangs. The Italians had integrity, loyalty. The FBI and all of them did a disservice to humankind in North America. The Italian Mafia owned government and they kept everybody safe and happy. Now, look what’s happening. No other gang will ever reach the level the Italian Mafia did. Why not? Because they don’t have loyalty, they’re all selfish. They don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves. That’s their mentality. Bring back the Italian Mafia! [BLEEP!] F Hello. I’m leaving this rant because I’m too poor to put an ad in the Mirror and I have a GENIUS idea for all those lonely men out there. I am selling my DIRTY PANTIES covered in my wonderful secretions and the price is negotiable. You can reach me at my e-mail acidswamp@hotmail.com. Please post this so I can sell my dirty panties because I’m poor and people need my dirty panties. I’m serious about this. [BLEEP!] F This is for the guy who wanted to know how come humans still have hair on their balls. It’s for the same reason that male PEACOCKS have really bright feathers. Because the women peacocks only want to mate with really hot peacocks because it means they’re the healthiest. And it’s the same reason why male lions are always trying to prove how strong they are. Because the female lions only want to mate with the strong lions. Humans still have hair on their balls so females can weed out who they mate with by finding out which guy would be lame enough to actually talk about his ball hair. That’s all. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, this is for the girl who called to say that guys could donate sperm for 50 bucks. Well, let me tell you something, I’ve looked into the Yellow Pages and there seem to be no SPERM BANKS in Montreal. If you do know any, please let me know, because I would love to get paid to jack off. Bye. [BLEEP!] F This is the Divine Miss Squirt replying to my hopeful protégée from a few weeks ago. If you would like a one-on-one session, I’d be happy to oblige. You can email me at chick_squirt@hotmail.com and we can take it from there. Ciao. [BLEEP!] M Boy, am I ever sick of hearing about the Big Bang. I say the Big Bang never happened! The universe has been as it is now forever. It’s pretty hard to accept but that’s just the way it is. Peace. [BLEEP!]
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