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This
week: Shamanistic tools, Plus: Having balls cut off said to be a bad idea!!
“edited”
by AL SOUTH M Yeah, what up Rant Line™? So, I’m walking home from the Antibalas show with my girl, we’re peacefully making our way along, when lo and behold, at the corner of Sherbrooke and Peel, we see that someone has smashed a mailbox into the side of some poor dude’s car. And in the back of a car is a BABY SEAT. So you know whoever’s car it is has a family, someone needs this car. All I can say is, if you can’t hold your fucking alcohol when you go out, don’t go out. We don’t need you making a fucking mess downtown. We don’t need people breaking other people’s shit because they had too much to drink and can’t control themselves in any way, shape or form. I’m getting more and more pissed off about it—especially after being at that show and hearing messages of unity, planet without fear and whatnot, yet still this shit goes on. Peace. [BLEEP!] M All right, I’m in a band and we sent our demo tapes to COOL FM and they won’t even play us because we’re an ALL-ENGLISH band. So I’m fucking pretty pissed, man. It’s pretty offensive that they showed discrimination with language and shit. It’s bullshit. Ciao. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, hi, my name is George. This goes out to the guy who is pissed with people using SALVIA DIVINORUM at concerts. Obviously this guy is a complete idiot and has no idea what he’s talking about. I work at a certain store on Duluth where, actually, I sell it. This substance has been smoked ceremoniously in places like Mexico for thousands of years. It’s a SHAMANISTIC TOOL designed by nature to give you some form of understanding that you don’t normally get in regular life. The people who use it in concert halls are probably missing the point, but to say that it should be stuck in the corners and alleys, man, shows this guy must be confusing it with some other type of drug. Because this drug is a very sacred, special thing. And I hope to God that it stays legal and doesn’t get used by other idiots. So anyhow, peace. [BLEEP!] F Hi. I’m just hanging out with my six gorgeous girlfriends wondering where we can get six gorgeous guys to come over here and dance for us naked? [BLEEP!] M Hey, this is for the Hottest Couple at McGill. I’d say you should check out the Funhouse. It’s at the corner of Delormier and Ste-Catherine. They have bi nights the first and third Friday of the month and they have couples nights on the second and fourth Friday of the month. It’s like total fetish on Saturdays. Plus, they have a really hot staff. Hope to see you there. [BLEEP!] M To the Hottest Couple at McGill who are looking to spice up their sex life. I’m a Concordia Performance Art student working on an IMMERSIONIST FETISH ROLE PLAY ASSIGNMENT where I document myself infiltrating and penetrating the McGill lifestyle in order to undress its taboos. And fucking you two harder than those Yale-bound SATs you failed would score me an A+ and give you the night of your life. Meet me any evening at the Presse Café at Park and Milton. I’ll have a Helly/Hansen jacket, a Club Monaco turtleneck, an Invicta backpack, Chai Tea Latté and I’ll be writing biology notes on my new blueberry iMac with viral protection software loaded just for you. I’ll bring the Molson. Your rez or mine. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, this is a response to the 22 year old who wants to be CASTRATED. Dude, I’ve had similar fantasies, too, but these are just fantasies. In real life, what would happen? First of all, it would HURT and then you’d bleed to death and even if you didn’t, you can’t grow new balls, you know. Plus, you’d lose testosterone. Anyway, it’s not a nice outcome. It’s sexy in a way—just being vulnerable like that but, still, to go through with it? Hmmm, I’d advise against it. [BLEEP!] M To the guy who has a fantasy about getting his balls cut off. You must be into some serious Marilyn Manson shit. That’s not a fantasy, motherfucker, that’s a fucking nightmare. You must be WHITE. [BLEEP!] F This is for the boy who wants to have his balls cut off. Like, not having balls isn’t very sexy, you know. What girl is going to want to fuck you when you don’t have any balls? I think your plan is a pretty bad one. But if you do go ahead with it, do you think I could have your balls when you’re done with them so I can keep them in a bottle of formaldehyde near my bed and show them to all my boyfriends when they come on over to fuck me? That would be so cool. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, this is just a question I’d like to ask. Through evolution, we’ve lost hair because we don’t need it. Why do I still have hair on my balls when it’s the warmest place on my body? Could someone please answer that for me? Thanks. [BLEEP!]
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