This week: Moshcore, Sky,
big and little squirts!

Plus: Sarah McLachlan reported to be angry!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M This is for the girl who was asking about Femdom music. Although I agree with you that Sarah McLachlan and Madonna don’t play the music you’re looking for, I don’t agree with you on the fact that Sarah McLachlan is a whore. I actually grew up in Cape Breton and went to school with Sarah McLachlan and I’ve known her for the better part of 15 years. I actually kind of find that remark a little OFFENSIVE. Before you say something about somebody, make sure that you actually know the facts. I know the facts and I can tell you that she actually has read this article and is quite angry about it. So have a good one. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’ve got tickets for Moshcore, March 29 at Club Soda and I’m a little upset because there’s a rumour going around that Incubus are going to be the guest performers there. This is pissing me off because I paid, like, $10.45 a ticket and I wanted to see some amazing local bands that I like and I don’t want it to be over-crowded with Incubus fans. I hope it’s just some bullshit rumour because it doesn’t make any sense. Local bands should stay local instead of being influenced by freaking bigger bands like Incubus. Club Soda is small and too many Incubus fans won’t give a chance for the real local band fans. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the big drag queen working as a bouncer at Sky Friday night, who wouldn’t let people in if he decided they were STRAIGHT. Who the fuck are you to label me? I didn’t realize you could tell someone was gay just by looking at them. Equality and understanding are not built on segregation and intolerance and the people you were turning away—gay and straight—were open-minded and friendly. For your own fucking information, I went out with a girl for a year! So go screw yourself because that’s all the sex you’re gonna be having. [BLEEP!]

F I’m just wondering why nothing is being done to salvage the fact that Montreal radio is horrible. It’s just so horrible, I can’t even deal with it. When I listen to it, I just feel like CRYING. Like, Mix 96, CHOM FM, Q92—all those radio stations. Why is there no diversity? Why isn’t there even ONE good radio station? [BLEEP!]

M Right now, this rant is dedicated to that cat who talks about cats, never talks about dogs, talks about guns, about murder, talks about people sticking people, talks about disunity within the community, stands proud about it, calls other people who try to hold events which will unify the freaking downtown area and all across Montreal, I say this to you: go to school, study, end your ignorance. Rhythm Mercenaries for life. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m not trying to be a poet or anything but society as a whole is using the insanity clause. Nobody’s responsible for anything anymore. [BLEEP!]

F This is the Divine Miss Squirter. First, I want everyone to know that it’s nice to know not all boys are freaked-out pussies about female ejaculation. I’m happy to know that some true men really do exist. To the girl who’s inquiring how to achieve female ejaculation: roughly, it’s just a quick technique you can easily accomplish by putting your palm up inside you—not your whole hand but, let’s say, two fingers. The palm is facing toward your abdomen when it’s inside you and, basically, you push it as far back as you can and in a circular pumping motion you work it until you’re gushing. I don’t know, maybe I could show you sometime. I think it’s better shown and explained in person than on the Rant Line™. So let me know. And to all the pussy squirter boys who can’t deal with it, I do have fans and I will keep squirting, you fuckers! [BLEEP!]

F My boss, he always calls my best friend at work, he calls her a LITTLE SQUIRT. And she is little but I don’t know if he’s saying sexual stuff and if this is harassment. So I wonder if the Rant Line™ can tell me if calling her little squirt means she’s not good enough to have a big squirt like the girl who called in, you know what I’m saying? [BLEEP!]

M I’m sick of hearing about these McGill kids’ heroin problems. How much are you paying for school a year? I can’t go to that school because I don’t have enough money—how much are you paying? You need to DROP OUT of there, take that money and buy heroin off me so I can go to school because you are an idiot. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M What better way to start your week off than go to the dépanneur to buy a pack of cigarettes and the guy behind the counter telling you the TINS are back. Whoa, whoa, whoa—the tins are fucking back. I got my Player’s in a tin can, buddy, and now I can roll my joints, put them in there, nothing’s gonna get crushed. It’s like 1994 all over again. Tins are back. Tins rule! [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum