This week: Stinks 96, Chunk 97.7,
heroin at McGill!

Plus: Men who love women who squirt!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F I want to know if there are any clubs in this city that play FEMDOM music. You wanna know what femdom music is? Powerful music performed by powerful female artists who serve to empower women the world over. And I don’t want any of you little sucks to rant back telling me where I can go to hear sluts like Madonna or that other whore, what’s her name, uh, Sarah McLachlan. I’m looking for a club that plays cool shit like Melissa Etheridge, Joan Jett, NICOLETTE LARSON. Music made by cool bitches for cool bitches like me. And no, you ignorant fuckers, I am not a dyke. Out. [BLEEP!]

F I just want to say that the MiMis were very nice and I would like to thank Dan Webster, his crew and the other producers. The sad part is that the after-party was very awfully organized. There were only two DJs, each for only an hour, and then all of a sudden they were gone and we had a couple of extra hours of playtime but without anyone DJing. So that really was a DISASTER. I would like for them to next year make it way better. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, this is a message for Mr. Tough Guy, gun-loving Rant Line™ caller. If anyone in your family had ever been killed with a gun or a knife—or a baseball bat, for that matter—you wouldn’t walk around bragging about how cool guns are. Many, many people live in Little Burgundy who don’t own guns. They are normal people who live their daily lives without shooting each other in the head. And I just want to mention that GRANOLA tastes good. So if KOPS crew people are granola eaters, it means they have good taste and you are a retard dirt-farmer and I don’t like you. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I’m a white girl who’s from out of town and this call is in response to the guy who was talking about Burgundy. Where is Burgundy? I’d like to visit it. It sounds like a really colourful neighborhood. Anyway, one love. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m just calling about that guy who thinks montrealshows.com is shit. If you think that what’s cool about this city is David Usher and Bran Van and Moist, then you deserve to hear the crap they play on Stinks 96 and Chunk 97.7. Montrealshows.com is cool because it gives good bands, like the Dears, Sexareenos and the Datsuns, a chance to get some coverage in the local media. Yeah, you’re an idiot. [BLEEP!]

M Has anyone else seen UFOs flying over the Montreal area since 1998? This is no joke. I’m not talking about Venus or blinking plane lights or hot air balloons. I mean the no-sound, organic-light-movement and breaking-the-air kind of UFOs. Real UFOs. It would be nice if we all broke the silence. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is a rant going out to my tactless neighbours—one of whom came by and decided to tell me to turn down the bass the other day. Listen, you should TURN DOWN YOUR ASS. I’m sick and tired of hearing your predictable, tired, boring orgasms again and again and again. Sure, at first it was a little bit funny—hey, my girlfriend and I at times are not all that quiet either—but come on. Some advice for those 12-hour marathons: try the old-fashioned hand over the mouth trick, or the inventive grab that sock from over there trick, or, and only if she’s into it, put another dick into her mouth. Show a little respect. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this is for the heroin-using McGill student. I’m also a McGill student and I also use heroin. I also wish I didn’t. Welcome to hell, friend. [BLEEP!]

F Yes, yes, yes. Those dykes getting fat on chocolate chip ice cream are completely right. There is absolutely no dyke scene in Montreal. Everyone thinks Montreal is so gay and stuff but it’s all gay men, there are no good hang-outs for women. It sucks! There is nothing in this city!! [BLEEP!]

M To the chick from Toronto that was whining about Montreal guys being pussy chickens because she gets hit on by Montreal guys in Toronto. Well, guess what? If you’re in Montreal you have to compete with Montreal women and they’ve got STYLE. So if you’re hot in Toronto it doesn’t mean anything here. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to the girl who was complaining that the guy she was fucking freaked out about her squirting. I just wanna tell her that I love SQUIRT. I like to taste squirt, I’d like to make you squirt and if you would only squirt and not even touch me, I would be happy. So in case you ever want to squirt again and have a guy who loves it, you can always e-mail me at squirtrules@hotmail.com. So squirt rocks, man. Rock on, squirt on and just show me some of that squirt, baby. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is for the girl who squirts. I just want to know how you reach female ejaculation. Please let me know, okay? Thanks. Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum