This week: Emergenza, pierced-breast feeding, Nerdy Girl’s brother!

Plus: KOPS granola eaters!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M This is Nerdy Girl’s brother. I’m calling to respond to the guy who asked where Nerdy Girl is now. She’s out in L.A., teaching inner city school children in her spare time as a volunteer substitute teacher, reading to them and writing children’s stories and trying to get them published. So that’s where Nerdy Girl is right now. Glad to hear there’s still some interest. I’ll make sure to tell her. Have a nice day. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. My name is James. I’m phoning about a contest going on in Montreal that a lot of local bands seem to be involving themselves in it. It’s run by a company called EMERGENZA and they’re acting like affiliates to Sony Columbia—like a scouting agency. They take $75 registration from every band, which I guess is okay. But then they tell you later on that you sell tickets for them to have audience participation in terms of the judging. It’s not even a panel of judges, it’s how many friends you bring and raise their hands to move you onto the next round! And then they give you tickets again to sell. I calculated and these guys must be making thousands of dollars off local bands, whose dreams and aspirations towards music become nothing more than just a way for Emergenza to make money. My band is in the contest, we’re doing it, but we’re not planning on anything amazing to happen. We’re a FOLK ROCK band. So bands, take care, and to all the bands in this Emergenza thing, good luck. Music shouldn’t be a competition anyway, so there are no LOSERS. I hope everybody has a good time at this and doesn’t take it too seriously. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I just checked out this Web site that I heard was a cool local scene site, montrealshows.com. And, man, they miss everything that’s cool about this city. Not once did I see any mention of any good Montreal bands. No Moist, no David Usher, no Rubberman. Man, they didn’t even have Bran Van and everybody knows about them. What kind of local site is this shit? [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I need some explanation. Last time I was in Montreal, I went to Jailhouse. Dominic told me he had to move because of neighbour complaints. Now I’m back in town, I walk past the old Jailhouse and there’s a new bar there with about 200 rappers in front, shit-disturbing. I’ve just been harassed by 200 rappers and Jailhouse has to close because of noise complaints?! What the hell is going on in this town? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this mofo who’s talking about NO GUNS in Montreal hip hop is full of shit. If you know Montreal hip hop, it’s not about guns, it’s about politics. [BLEEP!]

M No guns in Montreal? Buddy, I don’t know where you’re from. I’m white, first of all, and I know fucking tons of people that have guns. In the last 10 years, I know 15 people who haven’t even died of natural causes in Montreal. Why don’t you go out to poor areas? Chaos rules, war rules, fuck that peace shit. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the cat who called up talking about cats in Montreal rapping about guns and nobody has guns. You never been to BURGUNDY, son, you never been uptown. One hundred zoo niggers getting murdered every fucking day. I don’t understand. The reason cats like you is talking like kids don’t have guns is because the only hip hop shows are KOPS fucking granola eaters. You gotta get off that scene. Come downtown, uptown, holler back. One. [BLEEP!]

M The one thing that I realized while sitting here listening to BLACK METAL in the darkness is that when you die, you won’t remember anything. Think about that. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I go to McGill. I’m a McGill student. I also use HEROIN. I’m just wondering if there are any other McGill students who do and if we could meet in the library someday or something. Okay, bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is Dee Caprice speaking. I have a little message for that guy with the SAGGY BALLS who’s been dissing me on the Rant Line™. Listen, shut up and cool down. Talking about how women don’t eat dick or whatever the fuck you’re talking about. We do eat dick, we just don’t eat yours. Because, I’m sorry, I’d rather eat out a woman’s pussy than suck your three-inch cock or lick those saggy fucking hairy-assed balls of yours. Why don’t you shut up and eat my pussy, I won’t repeat myself again. This is Dee Caprice and I’m the fucking bomb. I’m the shit. [BLEEP!]

F This is in response to the woman who wanted to know if nipple piercing would impede breastfeeding. No, it won’t, but if she wants some more statistics on it, she can look at Laleche League on the net, I think it’s www.lalecheleague.com. Or she can just call them by phone. I have a pierced nipple and I breastfed for a year and it was no problem. Don’t worry, it impedes nothing. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum