Totally gross misconduct

>> Puck rockers the Hanson Brothers drop the gloves

by JOHNSON CUMMINS

Taking their name from the clods in the classic flick Slapshot, the Hanson Brothers are the “puck rock” side project of B.C. jazzcore elders No Means No. The rock ’em, sock ’em brand of punk rock championed by the Hanson Brothers has all the heart and lack of brains of old-time hockey. Singer Johnny Hanson took time out from his job at a canning factory to talk to the Mirror from a payphone in a Tim Horton’s.

Mirror: I guess the obvious first question is, what did you think of Canada taking home the gold in men’s hockey at the Olympics?

Johnny Hanson: Obviously the best team in the tournament by far, no questions there.

M: They seemed a bit sluggish at the start, though.

JH: I guess they had a few people thinking, “Oh dear,” at the beginning. I think after a few games it was plainly obvious they were getting it together.

M: Did you get a sense of national pride when they won?

JH: Y’know what? I felt a lot more pride when the women won the gold. That was the real heart and spirit of the game. These aren’t professionals or millionaires, these are people who buy their own hockey sticks and do it for the love of the sport. Not to say that the men don’t, but the men have a ton of support and the women have to do it themselves. They really earned that gold with their heart and soul. They were the underdogs and had a completely biased and incompetent referee—and still won.

M: What did you think of Wayne “Whiner” Gretzky’s comments about Canada being unfairly judged during that press conference midway through the tournament?

JH: He received a lot of criticism but I just laughed and said, “Right on, Wayne’. Maybe it was cynical and maybe he did it on purpose to inspire his team but to me, it was just him wearing his heart on his sleeve. It was honest, pent-up anger and frustration. He was just letting it go and I always appreciate that in people.

M: Did you follow any of the Olympic figure skating?

JH: No, it’s too confusing. They’re skating around on the rink and there’s no puck. It’s just a lot of skating with nothing much happening.

M: Do you find fighting to be an important part of the game?

JH: Absolutely. You can’t beat them on the ice if you can’t beat them in the alley. The Hanson Brothers like our music like we like our hockey—hard and tough.

M: Were the Hanson Brothers pissed that you guys didn’t get the call to join as Team Canada’s enforcer squad?

JH: Yeah, but there was some rumour that we were going to play as part of the entertainment, but we got beat out by the Tragically Hip. I don’t know why, because they suck, but that’s the breaks when you play the kind of hard-ass music we play.

Old school

M: You’ve started up a hockey camp where you teach young toddlers the little-known skills found in old-time hockey, right?.

JH: Yeah, it’s kind of get-rich-quick scheme I cooked up. We pretty much start with basics and, uh—actually, we pretty much stay with basics. We try and get some ice time but there isn’t a lot of natural ice here on the West Coast, so it might be hard.

M: Maybe having the classes running in the middle of summer might not have been a good idea either.

JH: Y’know, I’m beginning to think the same thing, but with this global warming thing, who knows. Maybe there will be a freak snowstorm. I just really want to teach the kids about the old-time hockey, the hard-hitting, tough and sometimes grinding hockey.

M: But you haven’t had any applicants yet.

JH: Well, that’s true, but it’s still early.

M: Is there food and lodging available?

JH: Well, food is going to be used as more of a reward type of thing. We have the great Pacific Ocean out here, so I’m sure they can find something to eat in there.

M: You were also passed up on the new straight-to-video release Slapshot 2.

JH: We were hoping that they would at least ask us to be on the soundtrack, but no such luck. I’m going to rent it, but I’m not holding out on it being any good. Isn’t it about them going to Japan or something?

M: I think you might be mixing that up with the Bad News Bears. How is your side project No Means No coming along?

JH: Well, we do the odd side project here and there, but our first love is the Ramones and I think that shows.

M: No Means No’s songs are a bit too long, and it seems that you have hard time all staying on the same chord at the same time, whereas your real band the Hanson Brothers gets right to the meat of the matter. I would think that Hanson Brothers are more of the people’s favourite.

JH: Well, yes, that would be true. We get a lot of fan mail. Unfortunately we can’t understand any of it. Hanson Brothers fans can’t really write, so we’re still not sure how they feel about us.

Minty fresh

M: Has your guitarist Tommy seen a doctor yet about his drooling problem yet?

JH: It’s incurable. He just got a job—well, not really a job, but he is helping out at a local garage here and I think that it’s turning his life around.

M: I guess with his, um, limited capacity, he’s doing a kind of changing the oil or “Do you need wiper fluid?” type of thing.

JH: Well, I don’t know about that. I would say he just kind of, uh, helps out.

M: Some high-falutin’ lawyer threw you guys on a big-league label, Virgin, and now you’re back in the minors with Mint. How’s that working out?

JH: Yeah, that major label thing was a real mystery. It goes back to what I was saying about rooting for the underdogs. I feel more comfortable fighting for the team that puts their heart and soul into it and Virgin really didn’t seem to know much about punk rock.

M: Tell me about your love affair with the Ramones.

JH: The Ramones captured the spirit of music the same way any young Canadian lad feels the spirit of hockey. Seeing as our hockey careers were going nowhere, we thought this punk rock thing might be the easiest way out. We decided to play Ramones-style music because you didn’t need a lot of talent and they embodied total musical perfection. Everything you need in rock ’n’ roll music is all there. They are a great inspiration for us.

M: A lot of people see you as talentless hacks, ripping off the Ramones. Would you like to respond to that?

JH: I guess that isn’t too far from the truth. I would really have a hard time defending myself there.

M: Truth be told, though, it’s not a complete rip-off. You do change a chord around every now and again.

JH: Yeah, once we even wrote a song that only had one chord in it. I thought that was pretty triumphant. We did try and experiment with a bunch of different time signatures this time around, but it ended up being a complete disaster.

M: That sounds more like the department of your sloppy side project No Means No.

JH: Yeah I know, I think we were clouded and confused, and it’s not that difficult for Tommy to get that way as it is.

M: On the new album My Game, you ripped off the cover art of Black Flag’s My War album, and some have said that you keep putting out the same album except with different titles. Are you running out of original ideas?

JH: Well, you kind of got me there. As far as Black Flag goes, I have never even heard of those girls, so that must be just a coincidence. As far as the same songs go, I would say that if it was great once, it will always be great. :

With the Shitties and Vaginal Croutons at Cabaret on Thursday, March 14, 9pm, $12