This week: Nerdy Girl, Vaginal Croutons, ferocious female ejaculation!

Plus: Girls without hope, rappers without guns!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Hey, Rant Line™. I’m calling because I was wondering about Nerdy Girl. It’s an old band, I don’t know if they ever did shows. One time I got into their jam space while they were jamming “Mary Ann With the Shaky Hand” by the Who and they were covering it so good! This was years ago, back in 1997. Ironically, I moved in the same fucking jam place on Pine Avenue and I just keep thinking about those girls. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I want to thank Robin Black and the Intergalactic Rock Stars for proving there are some bands who still give a shit about rock ’n’ roll. They fucking rule! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this rant is about Montreal hip hop. Why does it have to be so entirely pathetic? Why do they have to talk about GUNS and all of this business? This is a city with one of the highest living standards in the world and I don’t know one person here with a gun in this city—much less the guys rapping, they clearly don’t have guns. All they do is repeat the same shit that they hear all the time from Wu-Tang Clan and everybody else. I love rap but I think you can count the best hip hop artists on the fingers of, basically, one hand, maybe two. It would be nice if Montreal hip hop groups could get their shit together and talk about living in Montreal. Talk about their roots, talk about real shit—not New York life and L.A. Have a good night. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to Johnny Jackoff—that fucking little singer from Vaginal Croutons. This is Rob—the big singer—from Stugats. Remember me? Stugats? The guy you ripped my poster off from? You have no imagination, you piece of shit. You know why they call you Jackoff? Because all you’re good at is fucking yourself. And that’s what you just did, man, because the Stugats just put a hit on your ass, Johnny Jackoff! [BLEEP!]

M This is Kit from Vaginal Croutons. I know Mike Gee has some psychological problems but this is gonna be a fucking amazing show. And if you’re too much of a pussy to come and see a real rock show, then just forget it. [BLEEP!]

F I’m just calling because I’m here with my friend and we’re going out tonight and we know there’s absolutely no way to possibly meet anybody cool or good looking who doesn’t already have a girlfriend or who isn’t gay. So, basically, we’re going out with NO HOPE. No hope at all. We have no hope. Thank you. Oh, we also wanted to say that we’re cute right now but we’re not gonna be for long because we’re so hopeless that we’re just gonna eat CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM. So there. [BLEEP!]

F This is for the guy—or should I say asshole—who’s complaining about all us McGill ghetto girls wearing sweat pants that are too BAGGY and SAGGY. I find it hilarious that you think we’re dressing for you or that we give a goddamn what you think about what we’re wearing. Why would we put on some lingerie for you?! Obviously, you don’t have a girl or any potential to have a girl because you are so desperately hoping we’ll wear something more pleasing to your eye. We don’t live to please men! You should get that through your head. [BLEEP!]

F So this guy I’m fucking regularly has two fingers in my pussy and I’m on the brink of cumming and then I start to SQUIRT and I gush ferocious female ejaculation all over the bed and it freaks him the fuck out. What is it with guys freaking out when women squirt? It’s really annoying—no, it’s not piss, it’s ejaculation. Although I don’t recommend sitting on a guy’s face. But guys who freak out when women squirt? Come on, get over yourselves, fuckers. [BLEEP!]

F I’m responding to the thing about everyone being pussy chickens. It is so, so true! I just came to Montreal and I’m a hot chick and when I’m in Toronto, Montreal guys come up to me and say (imitating French accent) “Hey, you are beautiful, blah, blah, blah.” So now I’m here and I’m all hyped but where are all the hot guys? Sitting around being pussy chickens. Fuck. Bring it on! I came here to sleep with you guys. God. [BLEEP!]

M In the city of Montreal, no, not just Montreal, North America—oh, the whole fucking world really—what we need is more terrorist attacks—maybe even an all out NUCLEAR WAR—to smarten people up. Get rid of road rage, egotistical people. People, eh, they get diminished down to a humble size when airplanes smash into buildings or a nuclear bomb goes off in their face, you know? That’s all I gotta say, man. People are fucking too selfish. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I’ve just got a quick question. I would like to know if anybody knows, for a fact, whether or not a nipple piercing messes up your possibility of breastfeeding in the future. Thanks a lot. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum