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This week: Robin Black, Feztones, bald black heads! Plus: Girls in sweatpants identified as fashion problem!!
“edited”
by AL SOUTH
M Yeah, I just got back from Robin Black and the Intergalactic Rock Stars show. I gotta say, the opening band the Cheerleaders were great. The staff, the venue—the Jupiter Room—they’re great. But Robin Black? What a total bullshit artist. Man, half an hour set for $7? My friend paid $12 to get the CD. Not worth it. Next time I’m saving my money for Montreal rock ’n’ roll ’cuz that’s where it’s at. [BLEEP!] M Listen, bud, I also saw Kaliroots and I think they did a great job with Bob’s tune and Mr. Bob would have been proud. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!] M Hey, Mike Gee, saw your rant in the paper this week. Guess what? You fucking suck. You should change the name of your single from “Suck my dick” to “Sucks a dick.” Yeah, I got your free single and I listened to it and guess what, folks? It’s basically just Mike Gee screaming “Suuuuuck my diiiiick” over elevator music. How inventive is that? I mean, come on, man. I actually got maybe half a laugh out of your CD but that was at how incredibly banal and stupid your lame attempt at humour was. Get some better GIMMICKS, man. And if you think playing with the Vaginal Croutons is some kind of accomplishment, I’ve just got one thing to tell you: that sounds about as cool as beating up a three year old in a wheelchair. Bye. [BLEEP!] F This is for that chick who says that all the Montreal guys are pussy chickens. Well, you know, you don’t really need a Montreal guy. Just find a chick and a really good strap-on. Check it out. [BLEEP!] F Hey, this is for the girl who’s looking for a fuck friend. You don’t ask. I mean, come on, just initiate it. Don’t be scared, initiate it! Men are DOGS, they want sex. Go for it. [BLEEP!] M I’m a black gentleman who’s interested in white women. I’m just wondering how come I have to have a BALD HEAD to get a date? I don’t get it at all. [BLEEP!] M Hey, this rant is about living in Old Montreal and putting up with GEORGE CLOONEY’S production crew. I know we’re all supposed to be really obsessed with the Hollywood lifestyle and seeing George Clooney, but they’re chasing people off the streets and we can’t walk through our own streets to get to our apartments. Not only that, but there were a couple of tourists who were just trying to take some pictures and they were kicked off the set. The production crew from Quebec told them, “Sorry, you can’t take pictures on the set.” The average person just wants to check out the filming for five minutes and these people turn into Nazis. They won’t even let you take a peek. [BLEEP!] M This is for Angry Guy bitching about skiers going up north in their SUVs. I’ve got to something to say to you: we’re just trying to make something good out of winter! You’re sitting and bitching about winter and how cold it is and you’ve got the flu, you’re just a fucking baby. So get to work and start making something good out winter. Peace. [BLEEP!] M This goes out to Caprice and Danika talking about why men don’t eat pussies. Here’s why we don’t eat pussies. Seventy per cent of women are lying, cheating PROCRASTINATORS, so give me a break. Twenty per cent of women are lesbians or just don’t fuck. Five per cent don’t clean their vaginas, I personally don’t want to swim in bush. Three per cent don’t go down on men so why would I want to go down on you? One per cent are incapable of attracting a male or a female. One per cent have an excessively long period and I don’t like drinking blood. And that’s why we don’t like eating pussy. [BLEEP!] M Hey, I live in the McGill ghetto and we’ve got a real fashion problem here. They’re called SWEATPANTS and they’re all over the place. Groups of four or five girls will go out, all wearing these pants, butts sagging. Ugly sweatpants. They reek of no effort, white trash-ism, like flip-flops. I know some of you girls are going to the gym, but if you aren’t and you’re going to go out in public in your pajamas, at least put on some lingerie. Thanks. Bye. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, I’m calling because I need some tips. I mean, I’m not a HOTSHOT or anything, but I’m very dirty and I’d like to know if they accept people to do porno who will only fuck a girl if they can keep their pants on. Because when it comes to showing my ass on camera, I get nervous. So if anybody can help me or direct me towards a Web site, I’d really appreciate it. I feel like I’m a porn star so I’d like to do porno. [BLEEP!]
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