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This week: Junior Marvin, pussy chickens, decomposing cats! Plus: Lip Explosion deemed a waste of money!!
“edited”
by AL SOUTH
M Yo, this is Mike Gee. I’m just responding to last week’s rant about me. Fucking bullshit. I know who you are, too, and you’re a fucking politically correct fascist idiot, okay? My music’s not sexist, it’s sexy, if you’d ever heard any of it, you would know that but you haven’t, you’re so fucking close-minded. If you wanna hear my music, you come on down to Club Zone Saturday night, March 9, you come and see me live and direct. And if you wanna copy of my free single, come and get it by e-mailing me at mikegeemusic@hotmail.com and request one for free. My shit is the best out there and no one can fuck with my shit. And you know what? Politically correctedness has gone too far in this day and age so let me tell you something: I’m allowed to say whatever the fuck I wanna say, baby! [BLEEP!] F Hey, I need advice about something because I have this guy friend, okay, and I don’t know how to ask him, like, to be my FUCK FRIEND, okay. Like, I don’t know, I’m so afraid of rejection and I don’t know how to ask him. Like, also, is it appropriate for a girl to ask a guy to become a fuck friend? I need advice on how to ask him. Do I do it over the phone? Like, in person or what? ’Cuz I so don’t have the time for a relationship so, like, this is my only alternative. I’d really appreciate, like, an answer to this question because I’m running out of time and I need to ask him really soon. So please help. [BLEEP!] M This rant is to Very Angry. Maybe if you’d get your little fucking scrawny body OFF THE COUCH, you could afford a Volkswagen or an SUV and get up to the fucking mountain once in awhile. Or maybe if you would get off your couch, your immune system wouldn’t be so low that you have pneumonia or the flu, you cocksucking motherfucker. [BLEEP!] F So I went to the doctor’s on Monday for a PAP SMEAR so I can get my birth control renewed so that I won’t get pregnant and produce more unwanted children and I came home unable to breathe with fucking bronchitis. So I just want to say a big “thank you” to whichever asshole in the waiting room gave me fucking bronchitis. Way to wash your hands, buddy. Thanks a lot. Bye. [BLEEP!] F Hi. I’m just calling to say that I’m sick and tired of Montreal guys. All of them are PUSSY CHICKENS. They’re pussy chickens. If there’s any real men out there, give me a shout. Ciao. [BLEEP!] F Hello. For years I’ve been skeptical about trying mail order products. Well, I just want to warn you guys that I tried that thing called Lip Explosion—which is supposed to make your lips grow—but it didn’t work. Don’t bother wasting your money. Just so you know, you’re all better off just getting COLLAGEN INJECTIONS. Thank you. [BLEEP!] F Yeah, this is to the guy who buried his dead cat in my COMPOST box. Man, you’re disgusting. First of all, you don’t put meat in a compost box and second of all, it’s not going to be undisturbed ground. You know who you are. This is a compost box in a field near Rosemont metro. Please come and pick up your cat and bury him in the spring—he’s black with white spots—or I’m gonna throw it out. [BLEEP!] M Listen up, guys. Thirty per cent of women have attitude, 30 per cent think they’re hot when they’re not. Fifteen per cent need to go to the gym because, man, when they eat Harvey’s or McDonald’s, it shows on their little pierced bellies and their wannabe Britney Spears outfits. Five per cent want a guy with a BMW, five per cent need a below-the-belt haircut, if you know what I mean, and five per cent are fucked in the head. So, Caprice, you can take my left nut and Danika, my right nut, and both of you can suck on them. That’s right. Bye. [BLEEP!] M Hi Montreal. I was just wondering if anyone could tell me if there are any saunas or bathhouses for both men and women? If anyone knows, just get back to me. Thanks. [BLEEP!]
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