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Hot ’n’
bothered >> Wherein we present the long-awaited wet and wild 2002 Sex Survey results conducted by SASHA
You wouldn’t believe how many people put hair brushes in their vaginas and bums. Is that why one of the major manufacturers of this product is called Goody?
• A feather
that I used on my testicles. It worked during the initial start of the
session, but slowly lost its edge. • A sock.
A plain sock. No matter what colour or if it’s been previously
worn or not. I slip it over my erect penis and away I go. • My hand
is just so handy that I haven’t had much incentive to reach for
anything else. I have, on one occasion shoved a toothbrush container
up my butt. It was one of those harmless ’90s, rounded no-edges
style things—until it snapped open. • I used frozen
hotdogs and stuck them up my vagina. I let them unthaw and the success
was great ’cuz when they unthawed and all the water was dripping
out of me it felt great! •A brush into
my ass as I was taking care of my dick. It was quite satisfying. • When I was
about four I stuck one of those roll-on perfume bottles into my vagina,
without the cap on (I was a brilliant child). I screamed and wailed
and freaked out, but I couldn’t tell my mom what happened or she
would’ve kicked my butt. I think that’s when I learned to
fake orgasms so well. • When I was
young and still living with my parents, I used an old foam mattress
to masturbate. I created a X-shaped hole in the middle of it and used
hair styling gel as lube. The problem was that the gel was that famous
pink stuff and the mattress was stained with it. By the way, it never
worked for me! • A jar of
Vaseline. Made a hole in the middle and try to push my penis in. Yuck.
No repeat. • Two sausage-shaped
(blown) balloons tied together by the ends to mimic a tight vagina.
It worked all right, but I got blisters on my penis for two weeks because
of the friction, I guess. Maybe it was because of the cheap soap I used
for lubrification. Hey, I was 12! •I used one
of those shower sprayers, the ones that are supposed to save water.
I put it on “Powerjet” and had an incredible orgasm. • I’ll
tell you about my first one— though not my most unlikely, ’cuz
this story’s a bit better. It was your usual purple vibrating dildo
and I was 20, had moved back home to my mother’s after being out
for a couple of years. I had spent all afternoon masturbating and at
one point, flailing about like an epileptic, I opened my eyes to see
my mother standing there, at my door, with a look of “Oh God, what
monster have I created?” on her horrified face. She said, “What
are you doing?” “Masturbating!” I shouted back. There
was no way to hide it. I saw her again later that night and she told
me to get my own phone line. • Vacuum cleaner
at 14. I chickened out at the last second, thank God, since I later
discovered that it was a common problem in the emergency room—guys
with the skin sucked off their dick. • I’ve used a blue flavoured Popsicle to masturbate while my boyfriend ate my pussy. It melted in less than 2 minutes while he gobbled it up. I’d say it was a complete success.
2. What was your worst sex accident and did it merit a trip to the hospital? Two words, folks:
flared base. It’s not that complicated.
• The second
time having sex with a new partner, he was doing me from behind. His
bed had a headboard (very exotic after years of fucking on futons) with
bars. As the sex went on, I kept getting thrust forward until eventually
I realized I was stuck between the bars. I thought it would be rude
to say anything (British parentage), but the minute he finished, I wailed
“my head is stuck!”. He was laughing so hard, he was certainly
no help. And the more I panicked (thoughts of firefighters, etc.), the
more complicated turning my head slightly seemed. Eventually we released
me. • On December
27 ’99, after an evening out with my girlfriend, we came back to
the apartment drunk and made love, unprotected, in front of the fire
place. We now have a lovely son of 16 months and we own a house. So
not only did we have to go to the hospital, but to the bank as well. • A hairbrush
handle broke inside my vagina. Luckily I didn’t need any professional
help to get it out of there. • My worst
sex accident had to be an anal cut from a forced fisting. I was too
embarrassed to go to the hospital so it took a long time to heal. • Only having
some guy’s fingernails too long and cutting me while fingering
my pussy. • A condom
stuck in my partner’s pussy and I just fished it out myself (I
guess she liked it). • Playing
with a dildo, it went just a bit too far up my partner’s rectum.
He panicked. We called 911 and he went to the ER in a French, Catholic
hospital and not only is he Jewish, but anglophone. Actually, I thought
it was quite funny. He didn’t. He never called me afterwards. • My friend
and I were mutually masturbating, except he didn’t know his own
strength. I got bruises on my penis. • It turned
out that my boyfriend was fucking everything he could get his dick into
without protection. He was my worst sex accident and, yes, it merited
several trips to the hospital for blood tests. • A bruise
on the cheek from a fist—no hospital. • Trying to
stick my finger in my girlfriend’s asshole. It landed me a punch
and kick in the head, but there was no need for a trip to the hospital. • My girlfriend
threw up while going down on me. We were drunk, we fell asleep and the
next morning, I couldn’t take the puke off of my pubic hair and
had to shave it off. • I was cleaning
house and my boyfriend was bugging me for sex so I went in the room
and placed what was in my hand on the night table (liquid detergent).
During sex I reached for the lubricant, but accidentally grabbed the
detergent. After that I had to go to the hospital as it burned real
bad. • I got a finger infection from having fingered a girl with an overly active pussy. Yup, hospital was necessary. The nurse nearly puked from the smell when the doctor told her to take a whiff of the yucky puss-type substance that oozed from my finger as I writhed in pain. The doctor said it was bacteria that can only live inside the human body. It had entered my finger from a cut I had in my skin because I bite my fingernails. I told my parents and friends that I must have got the infection from cleaning my cat litter. Worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. 3. Is there something you thought you’d never do, much less enjoy that has now become your favourite meal? People are just
lining up at the backdoor for snacks this year! • Yes. A peeled
Spanish onion (you know, the sweet kind used in Greek salads).
• Licking
out a guy’s “clean” ass. • I never
thought I’d enjoy flavoured essential oils. Now, after having experienced
it, well, carte blanche my dear. • Anal sex.
I had always hated it when lovers stuck fingers up there (especially
without testing the waters first), but have since experimented with
penises. Much, much nicer. • I got Hep.
A from licking butt, an activity that I’m sure was never on my
“To Do” list. Now that I’m totally immune to A and vaccinated
for B, it’s an all-you-can-eat special! • Sleep with
a cross-dressed woman. I’m a girly girl hooked on the Kings now! • I never
thought that I would love rimming (giving and receiving), but it’s
very erotic. • Anal sex.
Dressed-up as a schoolgirl. • I like giving head a helluva lot more than I thought I ever would.
• Blow jobs.
In a certain west coast city, I even have the illustrious nickname The
Hollywood Hummer. • “The
Joys and Pains of Anal Sex 101.” Why? A peeled Spanish onion (you
know, the sweet kind used in Greek salads). • My area
of expertise would be sucking dick because I can take it all in and
I am very good at what I do. The guys just love it. • I’d
be a great doggy-style teacher. But then again, I give great head, so
I could also teach fellatio 101. • Furry-type
sex, being a furry myself! • “The
Art of Seduction.” “Creativity in the Sexual Arena.”
“Ways to Start Your Big Brain Going Before Getting Naked.”
Why? It’s what I’ve been practicing over the years and thus
I’m very good at it! • Anatomy
and physiology of the female sexual organs. • I’d
be the expert at the actual sleeping part of sleeping with someone.
Just having sex with someone is so casual and easy that it doesn’t
even count. A man can’t just have sex with a man and call himself
gay; you have to sleep over at least, if not go out for breakfast in
the morning. I’d teach “Snore Appreciation,” “Blanket
Etiquette,” and “The Joy of Drool.” Sex is really only
a small part of being good in bed. • Foreplay. I’m a wicked tease and a great kisser. 5. If you could
attend a sex workshop, what would it be and why? • How to go
down on a woman. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be. The
whole notion is exhausting. • I would
love to attend a workshop on threesomes because I’d love to learn
more about them. I also think that it would be great to be able to stimulate
more than one person at a time. • Being so
visually oriented, it is my butthole that has remained a mystery to
me. In a workshop situation we could get to the bottom of it, so to
speak. Maybe we could have a good look at each other’s in broad
daylight, or have one of those fibre-optic, medical camera things on
hand for the inside tour. I’d like to know why mine is so tight
and unaccommodating compared to others who are blessed with a tunnel
of love and pleasure. • The art
of blowjobs. I feel so fake, acting all enthusiastic. I mean, I like
them, but come already for fuck’s sake. • I’d
like to attend a sex workshop on erotic massage because I would like
to learn how to properly give and receive one. • How to dare
to have sex in other places (besides at home). • One of those fetish conventions that all of my hardcore fetish friends attend. You need to be an actual certified freak or an invited guest (I’m sooo jealous) to attend one of these. They have crazy acts, seminars and workshops on piercings, implants and bizarre sex performances like “lifto” acts.
6. Do you have
a marginalized fetish? What is your first memory of it?
• As a heterosexual
man I’ve always fantasized about being buggered with a strap-on.
Recently I bought a beauty for my girl and she did the dirty deed. Woohoo!
To all the homophobic men who think that anal sex is just for gays and
girls: why do you always fantasize about doing it to your ladies and
never think about how it would feel to yourselves? Ever hear of the
prostate gland?! Go out and buy one right away, you homophobic, small-dick,
fat-neck morons! • Whips, ropes
and chains. My first memory of them is when me and my boyfriend were
role playing and I was being a naughty girl, so he tied me up. It left
marks on me, but it was worth it. • Watching
guys jerk off, I think, is what excites me the most. Not a lot of women
will admit to this. I saw my brother masturbating once, maybe it could
be the root of my fetish? • I like cross-dressers
of both sexes. The scene in Hedwig and the Angry Inch where the two
who are cross-dressed kiss? Fuck me… • Hanging
from a tree in front of my piano teacher’s house with boys sitting
all about, just talking to each other. Very erotic. First time I thought
of it: waiting for a piano lesson. Is hanging from a tree a fantasy
or a fetish? • Well, I
am a real-life non-professional dominatrix who is relatively new to
the scene. I started out by working on a phone sex domination line and
after listening to so many men and their fantasies, I realized that
I’d love to try it. • Fetish,
to me, is something of a deviancy. I’ve learned over the years
that, for me, it’s not a crucial thing. Above all, I prefer very
hairy-chested men, the more the better. I lose all cardinal points in
such a majestic presence. Still, if a man is smooth, then I work with
that. Life goes on. • Golden showers.
I have yet to experience it, but I can remember the first time pissing
in the shower, feeling how hot it was. • Giving a blow job to a transvestite. First memory of it: at the Cleopatra bar on St-Laurent. 7. Have you
ever had a workplace affair turn You just do your job and they never give you credit. It’s enough to drive you crazy if you let it… • Blowing
a coworker in the restaurant we worked at. The cleaning crew walked
in mid-act. It was Halloween and I was wearing an angel costume. The
halo was at a right angle to my head. Smartest thing I ever did was
give a blow job to the head cook: my meals always came up first. And
cooks are good to sleep with because they make you breakfast. • Best advice
my mom ever gave me: never fuck a guy from work. • I’ve
always wanted a workplace affair, but usually I’ve been promised
work, but it turned out to be a lie just to get me in bed. It’s
hard to have a workplace affair when you’re unemployed. • No. I’ve
never, ever, had sex with someone I work with or from my work environment
(unlike Bill Clinton, I know how to define sex and it’s not exclusively
contained in penetration). I’ve turned them down flat! Period. • I am a performer
and I can’t stop sleeping with people in whatever show I’m
in. It’s an extremely bad policy, especially if they have partners
who tell them they can never do another show with you again. • All my workplace
affairs have been great. I was having an affair with an intern when
the whole Clinton/Lewinsky thing was going on. It was then that I really
turned on to the blowjob thing. • While married,
I had an affair with a guy from Guyana who was also married. He got
very possessive and started telling everyone at work that I was his
woman. Every time he walked by and I was talking to a guy he would grill
me later as to who it was, was I fucking this guy or what. We used to
have screaming matches in the cafeteria because of it. • No. I’ve had sex on my boss’s desk and in my cubicle though
• Magic Wand.
Given to me by a dear friend after my fiancé called off the wedding.
I was bemoaning the loss of wedding presents and she pointed out that
if anyone ever needed a present, it was me, now. Love it. It’s
been a year and a half, and I still have to use it fully clothed, it’s
so powerful. • Magic Wand.
I’ve had mine for over three years (my longest relationship). • Commercially
produced sex toys are always so full of promise, but ultimately disappointing
that my favourite one is always the one I haven’t actually tried
yet. • Buttplugs.
They make me go wild! • I have a
little vibrating egg and this thing makes me come so hard, I use it
daily. • I love the
Silver Bullet. It’s cheap, easy to hide and has a nice remote so
you can buzz yourself to happiness whenever you want. • The Clit
Stick is my favourite because it looks like lipstick so no one knows
it’s a vibrator and it works well. I can bring it anywhere and
use it anywhere. • A beautiful red leather strap-on with a sleek dildo (for my lady to use on me). Why? Because it feels sooooooo goooood.
9. What has
been your worst purchase and what’s it doing now?
• I bought
a harness for my sexy bear cub in London, and it’s probably gyrating
at Substation South right now. • A hard plastic
vibrator. Bought it because it had an animal print. Gorgeous, but totally
useless in terms of torque. Sits on my night table as décor/enticement. • A rock-hard
dildo with a point on the end. The blue X’s and O’s printed
on the shimmering white reminded me of a childhood toy—I can’t
remember what. It is deeply uncomfortable and I have to be extra careful
if I’m going to use it, which I never am. • A hard plastic
vibrator that is too big for my tight pussy and is actually very uncomfortable
to use. • A blow-up
doll! It doesn’t specify how much air to put in and I managed to
blow it up (to pieces). Go figure. Garbage, my dear. Pure garbage. • My worst
choice was the bunny vibrator because it only lasted two days. Needless
to say it’s sitting in the trash. • Edible orange-chocolate “sex butter” from the Asian sex toy lady. It’s still in my fridge and I use it for baking cookies.
Hell Hath
No Fury
• One of my
girlfriends cheated on me and broke my heart. I found out she was at
the fucker’s apartment so I gathered up all her gear, brought it
to his place, dumped it on the sidewalk outside, called her from my
cell phone, told her to look outside just as I torched the fucking pile!
The coup-de-grâce was that I held up her $3,000 pair of Manolo
Blahnik boots, pissed in them, and torched the fuckers. Do not fuck
with Scorpios! • I think
about revenge, but have a policy against it. Except this once. The only
thing I regret is having given him the benefit of the doubt, which he
was later able to use against me. I put a full pack of his favourite
cigarettes into his mailbox, and sure enough the evil bastard is back
to smoking himself to death! A disgusting habit for a disgusting liar.
Sweet Victory. • I wrote
a letter to a sex columnist who shall remain unnamed. It appeared not
two weeks later. My evil ex recognized his dastardly actions in it and
went ballistic. No, I do not regret it. And if I ever see him again
I will kick his sorry, shit-stained underwear ass! • I slept
with my boyfriend’s best friend while still in our relationship.
We returned, the three of us, from a party and his friend and I locked
him out and fucked. This happened on several occasions. We were teenagers.
He broke my heart by kissing another girl at a dance. I regret the failure
of the relationship overall, but not that act any more than any of the
others that contributed. • Well, it
pains me to tell you this, but, I “accidentally” sent a letter
to his wife. It didn’t say much. I simply let the obvious pictures
say a thousand words. I don’t regret it. Not that I’m callous
or selfish. To me, it was a question of integrity. Either way that was
25 years ago. I was a mere kid of 17 and he was my social worker. • Let’s
see. I dumped a guy on Christmas day. Slept with another guy while my
boyfriend was in the other room. Other than that, no I can’t recall. • I smashed his windows with a bat, screwed up his locks, stole his brand new stereo system and spray-painted his car. A couple of days later, I went to his work and made a big scene. He got mad and came after me as I was driving away so I almost ran him over!
The Ultimate
Question!
• I have a
policy to always wear a condom when fucking, just as a matter of prudent
basic hygiene. This policy is really, really hard to keep when there’s
a gorgeous muscular hunk on his back with his hairy knees up near his
stubble begging me to fuck him bare and I want to shove my huge uncut
naked tool deep up his eager asshole more than anything in the world.
• I got a
huge awakening when I was with someone, in a supposedly monogamous relationship,
who jeopardized my health terribly. I swear, the guy would have stuck
his dick in a box of anthrax if he thought it might feel good. I’m
back on board with latex barriers, and thankfully, still healthy. • Just dandy,
thanks. • Toughest
question so far. Fact is I, being a gay middle-aged man, do not ponder
too much on safer sex and thus hardly ever practice it. I’ve no
excuse. I’ve had all the information. It’s highly complicated
to come to terms with it. For example, it’s very pertinent, but
not obvious to ask a partner to be patient and wait until we both have
our HIV results in, before actually having sex without a rubber and
then dealing with the sexual and intimacy issues. A question of mutual
trust arises. Monogamy and sexual exclusivity also play dominant roles
in all of the choices and options. •Not too good.
For all those guys doing safe sex statistics with this survey, let me
tell you what most 20–25 year olds are doing in the matter of safe
sex right now: nothing. Most of the people I know find a guy or a girl,
ask them if they’re at risk, check the area for infections and
if all lights are green, we can fuck for years without a condom. I’m
ashamed to say this, but I’m part of this crowd as well. It’s
sad really, but condoms seem to diminish long relationships. I had a
boyfriend who got mad at me because we were still using condoms after
six months in the relationship. Of course, we use one if we’re
sleeping around. But most of my friends (girls and guys) don’t
wear condoms if they’re in a meaningful relationship. There is
some kind of weird connotation that society has attributed to condoms.
It seems that if you are with someone you really love, you don’t
need them anymore. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? • If I was
having safe sex, I’m sure it would still be good, but I’m
not having it. I’m with my boyfriend and we don’t practice
safe sex—the only things we practice are different positions. • I challenge any girl to use a vaginal condom. Wearing a condom is “like taking a shower with a rain coat,” but to all the guys who refuse to wear one: suck my dick! Wearing a raincoat in the shower is better than dying a slow, painful, lonely death. If having sex means compromising a little, I’ll even wear a Smurf outfit and get spanked by the purple Teletubby if it means that I’ll get a good bang.
Grand
Prize
I don’t
know what the hell this guy is alluding to but I love it!
Anyone who almost
dies getting fucked in the ass on the roof of the building where they
work at lunch time deserves a box of condoms at the very least!
What can I say?
Hurrah for lesbians! |
1.
What is your most unlikely masturbation item and how was it employed?
Did you have much success?
•
One rainy day, I actually decided that a peeled Spanish onion would
do wonders on my ass (you know, the sweet kind used in Greek salads).
It took a lot of work but it finally fit quite nicely—too nicely,
in fact. This ended up in an inevitable trip to the emergency room where
my friend was working (and still is) as an ER nurse. To this day, I
refer to this story as “my friend’s mishap” and not mine.
Only for you, Sasha my love, do I divulge my family secrets!
•
Receiving anal sex with a strap-on dildo. I’m straight and have
been living with my girlfriend for six years.
•
It used to be marginalized, but now it’s all so mainstream. I’m
not bitter. Not being so special anymore is a small price to pay for
full citizenship and a respected place in mainstream Canadian society.
8.
What is your favourite commercially 
•
A vibrator called The Twister by the manufacturer, but called Ike Turner
by me—the meanest vibrator ever, it beat the crap out of my pussy.
I threw it out.
•
I adore condoms. I love that I’m taking care of myself and my partner,
I love seeing someone rolling one on. It means that they too are concerned
about my health. I find that immeasurably sexy. I also approach a new
partner assuming that they have everything under the sun and work from
there.