This week: Deodorant, toilet music, Caprice and Danika!

Plus: Mike Gee called sexist loser dick!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F This is for that Mike Gee SEXIST motherfucking loser who went off about getting banned from Casa del Popolo. Hell yeah, you got banned from Casa del Popolo—because you’re a fucking dick. And if you have anything to say about women then it’s too much. And let me tell you another thing: me and all my girlfriends are going to kick your ass the next time we see you. We know who you are. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I want to comment about the Montreal music scene and the Rant Line™ is the medium in which to do so. Myself, I am a real product of my generation, the ’80s, and even though the three-quarter sleeve shirts, the denim, the leather and the BIG HAIR have long since past, I’m a dyed in the wool rock and roller. I very much miss the days of the big shows downtown, back when you could pay 15 bucks to see Black Sabbath and you knew there would be a GUARANTEED RIOT at the end of the show. Those were the days. Music now is all toilet music. And let’s not forget Lee Aaron. Ah, what an ass she had. [BLEEP!]

F Do the people at Aria realize that the HoneyJam is really the name of a show that’s been put on by Fem Fat productions for years in Toronto? I think your Honey Jam is a honey scam. [BLEEP!]

M You know, musicians really can’t get a break. Another one of our few and beloved live venues has fallen to the ROUGHNECK tactics of the Guild. Maybe the Teamsters should take a lesson from these guys. Threaten legal action against clubs and bars that have live music and corner them into renting out the hall and services of beer sales—or producing shows themselves at a hefty cost. I’ve been playing music in Montreal since 1978 and we got paid better back then. As you may have noticed, I did not mention by name the venue in question for fear of legal action. Signed, the best blues act in town. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just saw an article in the newspaper about a girl busker who says she makes $20 an hour. First of all, that just can’t be true, because I’m a full-time busker and I don’t make anywhere near $20 an hour. So I don’t know what kind of dream world she’s living in, but, uh, it ain’t mine. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™. I’m wondering if there’s a café/bar/whatever that plays music like Leonard Cohen, Velvet Underground and old-school chill-out bands. Where you can just sit there and write, read and SMOKE cigarettes endlessly. There’s no such place that I know of and I think it would be great to have one. So have a good day. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this is Caprice and Danika. Listen up women, 75 per cent of men are desperate pathetic losers, 15 per cent are gay or taken, five per cent of them are butt ugly, two per cent of them have sexually transmitted diseases, one per cent are hermaphrodites, one per cent are actually good looking but don’t eat pussy, and the other one per cent are actually good-looking and can function in bed. So fuck off and eat our pussies! [BLEEP!]

F I just wanted to comment on that bar called Thursdays. I don’t know what the fuck is up with the two INFLATABLE COWS sitting on the balcony. Like, we already know the place is a meat market. And I went there on Saturday and some fucking loser BIT ME. I can’t believe I got bit, like that’s the worst, you know? He bit me right on my fucking ear too. I slapped him right across the face and the loser still didn’t get the point. To all the men out there who bite, go to hell and stay away from bitches like me. Women do not like to be bit. Only the fat ones who you see on that Showcase program Kink. So if you want some fucking whore, then go on over to St-Laurent and Ste-Catherine. Because I’m not that desperate to take somebody that is going to come up and bite me. [BLEEP!]

F I think they should turn the Orange Julep into Kenny from South Park’s head. [BLEEP!]

M This is Dee and I’ve got something to say about the Montreal Transit System. It’s about time people started wearing some DEODORANT. The buses and metros are packed as it is and, when you combine that with a lack if personal hygiene, well, you get a pretty stinky combo. I think the MUCTC should start giving out deodorant samples—just like they used to do in high school. Once you wear the D.O., there ain’t going to be no B.O. Peace out, yo. [BLEEP!]

M (very angry)I hope all of you stinking skiing faggots are happy at the fucking weather! You’ve got you’re fucking snow now! Motherfucking rest of us have the flu and pneumonia and all the other shit because of this ridiculous weather. But hey, we had to have snow so you fuckers could run up in your Volkswagens and SUVs to the mountains and ski. Fuck you! [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum