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This
week: Face band-aids, Princess Superstar’s rollerskates, Plus: World ruled by secret brotherhood of reptilian overlords!!
“edited”
by AL SOUTH
F Hey, this is Peaches. It’s 1:14 and I just got back from the Princess Superstar show at Café Campus. The show was cool but, based on her wardrobe, I know she didn’t really make it yet. And some MIDGET little chick with an army hat and braids stole Princess’s prize pink Puma rollerskates. I heard about those skates in, like, magazines and stuff and this little bitch stole them. At first, she was just holding on to them and I thought she was going to put them back. I turned around to buy a CD that they were selling on stage and I turned back and she’d left, okay? It’s pretty embarrassing because this little skank bitch just took them—and people wonder why no one good comes to Montreal. Bitch, if I see you, I’m fucking you up on sight—busting your head to the WHITE MEAT. That’s it. [BLEEP!] M This is just to tell you how sad it is that Caféine doesn’t exist anymore. Caféine was one of the greatest bands here in Montreal. Xavier, continue, eh? Continue your great job with another band and people, take care of our local bands, okay? Bye. [BLEEP!] M This is a rant concerning the Dubmatique rant. For starters, I completely agree with you. I mean, let’s be honest, anybody who releases a Bob Marley ripoff is pretty pathetic. And let’s be more honest: since DJ Choice left the group, the group left itself right there. [BLEEP!] M This goes out to all the true hardcore rap and hip hop fans out there. Maybe you can help me with this. I’m 26, started listening to hip hop and rap and shit back in 1985—Run DMC, Beastie Boys, old school shit. Then I got into NWA, Ice-T, hardcore stuff in the late ’80s. So my question is: what’s up with all the BAND-AIDS on the face now? You got Nelly and Bow Wow, Big Buddy—all these guys with band-aids on their faces. Is there some form of anthrax going around that we don’t know about or is it a zit that’s following only the famous? What’s going on? What’s up with the band-aids on the right side of the cheek? Help me out. Please. [BLEEP!] M Hi, Rant LineTM. I’m calling to say that the fat guy from the Barenaked Ladies and Jann Arden should get together and have fat babies. Bye. [BLEEP!] F Hey, I guess it’s none of my business but I figured I should tell the guy who called in about the Dears that it would be helpful if he knew what he was talking about before he slagged the band publicly for their CAREER DECISIONS. If you wanna get involved in the music scene, you should just mind your own business and go out and make a record. The music scene’s got enough jealousy and bitterness already so don’t be someone who adds to it. Take care. [BLEEP!] F What a friggin’ idiot! Who is this man saying the Dears should be grateful for nothing? Come on, man. Artists must be paid. Artists deserve money because art is work—as is anything else. Do you think telemarketers go out to telemarket because it is their passion? No, they get paid for their work. Artists get paid for their work. Come on. [BLEEP!] M Just when I was regaining faith in humanity, I see a commercial for Shell gas saying that they support renewable resources. If we want to go after real TERRORISTS, why don’t we go after organizations like that? Why don’t we look at what they’re doing in Africa, same with the diamond companies? Same with a lot of companies. Anyway, don’t believe the hype. [BLEEP!] F Apparently, due to some secret brotherhood, we are being run by a race of REPTILIAN OVERLORDS who have been coming down in alien form since way back in ancient times. The whole world is run by exactly the same people. So I think people should look into this. There is an author, David Icke. Look into it and the truth shall set you free. Hitler was a Rothschild. Check it out and learn. Thank you. [BLEEP!] F (breathy, feigning orgasm) Mmmm, hi, I was just sitting here thinking about, remembering, YAWP. And I miss YAWP. What happened to YAWP? I want, (moaning) I want YAWP. [BLEEP!] M I just heard about the Men Without Hats shows at Club Soda this summer. Obviously, a lot of these bands that are reuniting nowadays are in it just for the money, but this is one that I would actually pay for. However, scheduling two shows is, I find, really exaggerating. [BLEEP!] M I wish somebody would come up with a REFRIED BEAN PRODUCT that didn’t smell and look like dog food. I’m here painting my apartment on a Saturday afternoon and I don’t have any money to order a pizza so I open a can of Old El Paso and it’s like Dr. Ballard’s all over again, you know? I don’t need that smell. Could someone figure this out and get the refried beans fixed, for Christ’s sake. [BLEEP!]
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