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This week: The Dears, Christian Pronovost, Dubmatique!
Plus: Mr. Big Dick!!
“edited”
by AL SOUTH
M This message goes out to the Dears. I just think you guys should stop bitching about Grenadine Records. That label has helped you out more than you guys will talk about. I know bands that have toured six months of the year and haven’t seen a penny yet. Art, music, it’s not about the money, it’s not about the label. I mean, if friends are willing to put out a record—whether it is a bigger label from the U.S. or Europe, or a label from Montreal—you should just be grateful that someone will do that for you in this day and age because things are looking down, man. You guys can go and buy your HANDKERCHIEFS and shit but you need to wake up and be grateful for friendship and hardcore independent music out there. There’s not much time left. Have a good day. [BLEEP!] M Hey, what up, Montreal? I’m calling about the local music scene. I’ve been living in the city for five years now and I’m about to leave town in, like, 10 minutes. So it’s been a good five years, Montreal. And about the music scene, and everyone who calls and bitches on the Rant Line™ about how there ain’t shit here—I think there’s a lot of shit here. The music scene is ALIVE. Either you motherfuckers don’t know enough people to know where the good parties are at or you don’t know how to get up off your ass and do some shit, man. Stop being such spoiled little BRATS and go out and get something going. Big up, Montreal, to Montreal and, until the next time, party like only MTL can! [BLEEP!] M Yeah, this is a Rob. I’m a regular at Club Stereo. Now here’s the DIRT on one of Montreal’s most over-rated egomaniacal DJs, Christian Pronovost. Now, get this: he was spinning early at Club Stereo’s New Year’s party and it was finally his turn to hand the turntables over to an international guest DJ. I’m not sure, but I think it was jojoflores— I’m not 100 per cent sure though. Anyway, he refused to stop spinning. He was convinced that he was God and had absolutely no respect for this special guest DJ who was waiting very patiently for his turn. It got to a point where Pronovost actually started a FIST FIGHT with the other DJ and they had to be pulled apart by the club manager, Bruno. You know what? That stuff never happens in Montreal and only Christian Pronovost would do such a thing. Peace out. [BLEEP!] M You know there’s a real problem with the Montreal music scene when Dubmatique releases an old Bob Marley and the Wailers’ song. What’s wrong with you? You can’t make up your own shit so you gotta go and take Bob Marley’s songs and make them your own or something? You guys suck. [BLEEP!] M I bet this Demonica Goth chick’s just like all those other Goth chicks who think Goth has to do with black. Well, they’ve got it totally wrong because Goth has everything to do with shades of light and brightness. Like, all these Goths don’t know what Goth means and they’re just a bunch of retards. Fuck off, Goths. [BLEEP!] M This is for Lady Demonica and all the people giving her a lot of slack about being Goth. My experience in life is that when someone becomes Goth it’s usually to jump on the BANDWAGON. If you really wanna make a statement, instead of wearing the type of makeup you’re wearing now, why don’t you smear some shit on your face, get on one knee and sing “Mammy” right on Ste-Catherine Street? Now, that would be cool. And that would be a great little new fad which a whole bunch of people would start copying. You could be a superstar! Later. [BLEEP!] M This is to the motherfucker looking for the big condom. Okay, condoms are the last thing you should worry about. My wrists don’t measure six inches in circumference, so what’s the deal with your dick, man? I mean, I’m longer than you but, man, your GIRTH scares the shit out of me. Guys like you should do porn because there’s no other girl in the world who would do you. Man, forget about condoms—there’s no manufacturer who’s gonna make those things. I’m sorry, man, you must be a lonely poor bastard. Peace out. [BLEEP!] M This is a rant for lonely guys who call the fucking Rant Line™ to try to give readers the impression that they’ve got huge schlongs when they’ve actually got puny little PINDICKS. You know, it’s a fact—not a rumour, a fact—that when guys go on about how big their cocks are, they are usually doing so out of the frustration that they’ve got a needledick. And, buddy, Mr. Trojan Magnum, if it’s so fucking big, Mr. Eggplant Dick buddy, invest in a fucking Hefty bag. All right? [BLEEP!] M Yes, I’m just calling to say what a shame it is about the Orange Julep. I think it needs a facelift big time, man. This is the new millennium. I mean, my God. Bye. [BLEEP!]
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