Low resolution

>> The Stomp All Stars usher in 2K2

by RUPERT BOTTENBERG

All this fourth-gen, asymmetrical warfare going on these days has drawn attention to those balaclava cowboys in the British SAS, the Special Action Service. They’ve got the high-end H&K machine pistols, the rappelling ropes, the matte-black Sykes-Fairbane commando knives and resolution to spare. Boy, are they ever resolute!
But you know, gang, Montreal’s ska scene has its SAS too—the Stomp All Stars, a ska-klassix cover band culled from the ranks of the Kingpins, General Rudie, the Planet Smashers, the Undercovers and more. While their covert ops are generally limited to smoking joints in pissy alleyways, they are also very resolute. In fact, in honour of the All Stars return to their residency at le Swimming, we’ve asked them to share their New Year’s resolutions. And in honour of the other SAS’s knack for kicking ass and taking names, the Mirror will promptly deconstruct each of these resolutions.

Lorraine Muller (vocals/saxophone/keyboard):

“I hereby resolve to never be in a band with eight guys again.”
Mirror analysis: Ms. Muller made this same resolution last year. Now she’s booked to play in a band with nine guys (that is, eight men and one Bobby Beaton). Grow a backbone, lady!

Kurt Rusciensky (trombone):

“As I met my current girlfriend at le Swimming last January, I would be wise to resolve that this year, I will not let any girls pick me up at le Swimming.”
Mirror analysis: This could be either a noble declaration of love or an expression of deep regret. That’s for his girlfriend to decide.

Josh Fuhrman (saxophone/vocals):

“I hereby resolve to let all the girls at le Swimming pick me up.”
Mirror analysis: That’s not a resolution, little man, that’s the pipe dream of a deluded chump.

Tim Doyle (drums):

“I hereby resolve to let any girl pick me up, at le Swimming or anywhere else.”
Mirror analysis: What was that line again, about kings and desperate men?

Bobby Beaton (guitar):

“I hereby resolve to learn a bunch of new guitar chords—and then never use them.”
Mirror analysis: There are those of us who would have preferred it if the gruesome Mr. Beaton had made this resolution as a teenager, thereby sparing us his “musical career.”

Daryl Meili (bass):

“I hereby resolve to stop exposing myself to geriatrics.”
Mirror analysis: Then why are you in a band with Bobby Beaton?

Felix Dyotte (guitar):

“I hereby resolve to stop playing guitar as though I think I’m an expressionist painter.”
Mirror analysis: I think we can all look forward to Mr. Dyotte’s folksy, heartwarming, Norman-Rockwell-flavoured six-string stylings.

Louis Nagy (keyboards/trumpet):

“I hereby resolve to eat flapjacks at least three times a week.”

Mirror analysis: That makes sense. This one oughta hold.

Ronnie Nurse (toasting):

“I hereby resolve to start to use protection, if I’m going to be a musical whore.”

Mirror analysis: Beats the shots they’re giving out for hip-atitis and gone-daddy-gonorrhea.

Marco Paradis (percussion):

“I hereby resolve to tell Celine Dion to stop calling me. I’m not a sperm donor, I’m a percussionist.”

Mirror analysis: Mr. Paradis, there’s a Mr. Angelil asking for you in our reception area, and he’s got a baseball bat. Will you please come down and sort this out? :

At le Swimming on Thursday, Jan. 10, 10pm, $5 and every Thursday in January