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This week: Big condoms, telemarketing tricks, morning 69! Plus: Ravaging Lady Demonica!!
“edited”
by AL SOUTH
F This is in response to the so-called GOTH lady named Demonica. Whoa, whoa, whoa—can I staple your hand to your forehead or have you already done it? Jesus, girl, with a name like that, with your delusions of vampirism and your theatrical attitude, it’s no wonder you’re being treated like second-class soup. Get over yourself! Vampires, you’re so 1996. Bye bye. [BLEEP!] M Honestly, aren’t there better things to rant about than the local Goth scene? I mean, this Lady Demonica goes on about Goth wannabes—who can tell the difference between a Goth wannabe and a true Goth? I mean, how many different ways are there to wear BLACK? [BLEEP!] F Lady Demonica, you need to fucking get over yourself, because the Goth wannabe thing—who cares? The Goth scene is dead and the venues are only open so people can enjoy the music and dance and be with their friends and have a good time. Goth doesn’t exist. It’s just another EMPTY lifestyle, like raving and hippies and everything else. [BLEEP!] M Lady Demonica, this is Camp Reality Check. For the love of Christ, drop that stupid Goth wannabe shit. Why don’t you cut that stupid hair, wipe off that stupid makeup, put on some denim jeans and come down to the Rainbow on January 4 and we’ll show you what hardcore is all about. One more thing. Why is it that Goths dance like fluttering flags in the wind to really happy and cheery ’80s music wearing nothing but the lamest shit that they bought at Cruella’s? I mean, what’s the deal with that, honey? For crying out loud! [BLEEP!] F Hey, Lady Demonica, if you’re so real, I want you to meet me at Café Depot in front of Prince Arthur and St-Laurent on Saturday at 2 o’clock. I want to see this real vampiress thing, all right? [BLEEP!] M I like the idea of the man who wants to fund a British-only theme night. But instead of playing Britpop and all of this bullshit, I think we need to go back to the classics like the Stones and, you know, the Stones. [BLEEP!] M Yeah, this is in response to the bloke who’s thinking of opening a Brit exhibition/gallery/club. I think it’s a rad idea and if you need a HARD LABOURER, I’m all for that shit, man. [BLEEP!] M Rock is dead and GOD is being pushed aside too, due to the Internet. The way I look at it, GOD is a computer and Jesus is the new Internet. Tell me, who has more answers than Jesus—or God? That’s right, the Internet. It’s everywhere, it’s non-tangible, just like God. My goodness, what is this world coming to? [BLEEP!] M Hey, this goes out to the girl who was calling about telemarketing. That she fucking hates it when you’re talking on the phone, doing an entire pitch, then right at the end they just say, “I don’t want to be called by telemarketers anymore.” Next time somebody does that, do what I did when I did telemarketing: write their fucking phone number down on a little piece of paper, then keep it beside your desk and start calling them every hour on the hour and pretend to be somebody else. It’ll really fucking fix them. This one OLD BAG that did the same thing to me, I wrote her number down and then I called her back pretty well every day, at least two or three times a day for a week, saying shit to her like, “Hey, this is the police. Why don’t you fuck off, you old bag?” That’ll fix her. [BLEEP!] M Is it just me that the only sex I can’t have in the morning is a 69? I guess it’s like the morning breath thing. It just grosses me out. [BLEEP!] F I’ve been eating too well lately. Fucking VEGETARIAN COOKING, I can’t take it anymore. I’m farting all the time, I’m pooping all the time, I don’t know what’s coming out, I have to be cautious. It’s just annoying. I’m going back to junk food. [BLEEP!] F To the person who thinks eating cat food is sexy. Ever wonder where all those thousands of abandoned cats and dogs go? Well, when they make the mistake of growing up like, oh, most of them do, instead of staying cute little puppies and kittens, they get abandoned and killed in so-called shelters and end up in cat food cans ready for you to eat. Enjoy every spoonful. You don’t care, right? I didn’t think so. Or maybe you do. I hope so. [BLEEP!] M I don’t know if I’m the only one with this problem here but I just went to a sex shop and asked them for the BIGGEST condoms they had. They gave me the Trojan Magnums. These things are not big. I don’t know if there’s anyone out there who has a penis that’s around 6 1/2” in circumference and about 8” in length, but if you know where I can get a condom that’ll fit and isn’t a Trojan Magnum, please get back to me. This is very important. Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]
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