This week: Smoker’s spit, telemarketing, Bootybeat!

Plus: Lady Demonica rages about local Goth scene!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT
F It is I, Lady Demonica. I called to say I hate all you GOTH wannabes. You fucking pretentious vampire fashion victims who have made a mockery of the original DECAY. Shame, rot and die, or even better, kill yourself if you cannot arise from the catacombs to stop backstabbing each other and unite to form a local Goth scene that can withstand the test of time. Prove that you deserve immortality. You must feel the intensity of my wrath and my rage against all of the Goths who I seem to come across while going around. These disgusting little COCKROACHES who deserve to die! Unfortunately, there is not rage strong enough to kill them. I guess I will have to do the job myself. All of you little insects ought to be ashamed of yourselves for making the Goth scene non-existent and I’m tired of going on the street and having people calling me Marilyn Manson—people telling me I’m a vampire wannabe when I’m actually the true thing. I’m sick of it! We are powerful and we are forever! I guess maybe you will never understand now, will you? [BLEEP!]

M

This is going out to the dude who said that DJs are nowhere near as talented as guitarists. He then talked about how it took him four years to learn how to play “Master of Puppets” without the solo. Well, first off, dude, you must really suck, because I’ve been playing guitar for 10 years and I learned to play “Master of Puppets” after two years. Plus, I’m a DJ, too, so don’t be pulling no shit about how DJs and guitarists are this or that. It’s all music and that’s why we listen to it—to ENJOY it. People listen to a DJ, they don’t go to see a DJ play a solo. And then you mention Woodstock?! That ain’t even the name of the bar anymore, buddy. Wake up. [BLEEP!]

F

Is there a night where I could listen to some BOOTYBEAT or BOOTYHOUSE at a bar or a club? Seriously, I’m having a hard time finding the music. [BLEEP!]

M

This goes to Lady Velvet. If you’re gonna use the Rant Line™ for the shameful promotion of your night, you gotta make sure that you’re open before you do so. Cheers. I can’t believe I walked to fucking Prince Arthur because of you. [BLEEP!]

M

You gotta start filtering out some of the garbage that people leave on the Rant Line™. This stuff about white supremacists eating pussy and other people wanting to know what skinheads eat. I don’t understand how this shit even exists in a world that’s got bigger problems. Anybody who’s a sexist or a racist or a skinhead or a loser should be SHOT AND KILLED just for thinking so stupidly. These people shouldn’t have the right to express themselves. All racist idiots are losers and should die. [BLEEP!]

M

What kind of shitty, politically correct bizarro Superman world do we live in where saying that somebody eats dick is an insult that can equate them to being a white supremacist? I guarantee you that anybody who does eat dick didn’t think that that was an insult that made them a Nazi. Trust me. [BLEEP!]

M

White supremacists eat dick? Well, I hope not, because I eat dick and I don’t need the white supremacists cutting in on my action. [BLEEP!]

M

The reason I’m calling is on the north side of Dawson you see these people smoking their cigarettes. Anyway, they always have to SPIT. I don’t understand it. I do not like walking into the school and having to walk in spit. If they cannot spit when they’re smoking inside a restaurant, why must they do it outside? They don’t do it inside so they shouldn’t have to do it outside? If they could hold it in then, they can hold it in later. It’s like when you have to go to the bathroom, you don’t go when you’re sitting a car. You stop at the side, okay? That’s all I have to say. Good bye. [BLEEP!]

F

I’m a person who does TELEMARKETING and I can understand why a person gets annoyed when we call. But I’ve had it with people who, instead of just hanging up after saying, “No, I don’t want to be bothered by telemarketers,” decide to stay on the phone and listen to the entire FUCKING PITCH and then lecture me on why they don’t want to be called. Why don’t they just hang up right away and save us both a lot of time? Why is that so hard to understand? It’s really bloody annoying and that’s all I wanna say. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. I’m calling to respond to the man who eats CAT FOOD. I find that so sexy and I’m just wondering if you could give me his number. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M

I heard that if you take CIGARETTE FOIL and roll it into a big huge ball and get a pound of it, dentists will use it for fillings. So can you sell this to dentists? Is there any truth to this? Please let me know whether I should go see my dentist. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum