This week: Pandora, Jupiter Room, Britpop, Avanti!

Plus: 17-year-old girl needs more sleep!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F

Hi, this is Annick from Pandora and I'm calling to the girl who was complaining about the comments I made at my show. Well, thanks for the free publicity. Too bad you can't take a JOKE, though. And even if it wasn't a joke, what's so wrong with giving a large-sized G-string to a large-size woman? Don't tell me they all wear boxer shorts. Hmmm, maybe it's the way I said it? Maybe next time I'll be more polite, for those of you with virgin ears. It was a rock show, for Christ's sake, not a cooking class! And the theme of the evening was G-string underwear, so you have to expect there might be some talk about asses--small, big, hairy, smelly, all kinds of asses. You should go see the movie Shallow Hal, then you'll be really offended. And listen little missy, I would appreciate if you come talk face to face with me next time. Don't worry, I don't bite. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, this is about the bubonic plague that was the Jailhouse Rock. Well, it's closed and it will never open again. But there is a new place and it's called the Jupiter Room. Strangely enough, a lot of the staff that was working Jailhouse are now working at the Jupiter Room. It's not a bar, it's a venue, but it's not a venue, it's a bar. Anybody who likes pot can come there, but don't smoke it there because it's illegal--for now. Anyway, Jailhouse is closed, Jupiter Room is new, it's fresh, it's CLEAN and it could be yours. [BLEEP!]

F

I'm calling for the new guy in town who called about the Britpop night. You have to go to this club called La Bal Masque at 78 Prince Arthur on Thursday night. Lady Velvet is the DJ and she's very good. She plays great music like Happy Mondays, Stone Roses, Primal Scream and a lot of UKMD and Britpop and Madchester. People are very nice. But I don't remember the end of the night because of the special for the drinks--les deux pour un! [BLEEP!]

F

For the guy looking for glam, Britpop, indie, and so on. There's Roy Bar on Wednesday nights--that's on Roy at the corner of Drolet. There's a really cool DJ, shooter specials and cool bartenders and it's a little cool place. Yeah, Roy Bar. [BLEEP!]

M

First of all, Britpop is a clichéd expression made by THE MEDIA. Secondly, I'd like to throw this out to people: would anybody in Montreal be interested in a specific British-only-themed nightclub/art exhibition/fashion gallery? Basically, everything from the motherland--music, arts, photography, clothing. Everything English. I have the financing to do it and I'm seriously thinking about it. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M

Good day. I actually have nothing to rant about. I just want to sing the praises of a neighborhood club. The club is Avanti and I want to let everyone know that we have the best jam night in the city every Sunday. Avanti is on Sherbrooke between Harvard and Wilson so come down and party with us. We got great singers, great musicians and lots of good clean fun. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, this is the lead singer from some fucking band downtown. Listen, okay, the only reason that all these punks think that punk music is the best and that all other music sucks is because these fucking retards go out and get smashed, take their shirts off and yell things at concerts that they can't even remember the next day. Now, I'm not saying punk sucks--there are good elements to it like all types of music. But open your fucking mind before you judge music. [BLEEP!]

M

What's up motherfuckers? I just want to tell you all that Alley Cat is the best fucking CAT FOOD you can eat, man! I've tasted this shit and let me tell you it is serious! It's good! [BLEEP!]

F

Yeah, I've got two messages. One is for the guy who's looking for an outdoors club. Check out the McGill Outing Club. I don't think you have to be a student to join. And the second one is for that guy who said that skinheads and white supremacists eat dick. If you're supposed to be against bigotry, what's the deal with using an insult like "they all eat dick"? [BLEEP!]

F

For that Nazi Guy who likes to eat white pussy for breakfast. Well, maybe you should check your menu again because the last time I checked pussy was PINK or different shades--but never white. [BLEEP!]

F

In the past six days, I have had, hush, something like 16 hours of sleep. Sixteen hours of sleep. I am 17 years old, I need my sleep. I'm really, really, really tired right now but I can't go to sleep because mother keeps yelling at me. I have to do something with my life, perhaps. I really, really, really want to sleep but she just won't leave me alone. I just really, really, really want to sleep for approximately a whole week in a row. Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum