This week: Scooter boys, rodeo cowboys, sexy firemen!

Plus: The Diaper Man challenge!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Ha, ha, ha. The Stugats are coming, motherfuckers. You better watch it. Watch it next spring, my friend, next spring. The Stugats. [BLEEP!]

F

Hello. How are you? I would just like to say that I saw the band Jambalaya and I've never seen anything like them in my life. I saw them at Le Swimming and I was wondering when they're going to play next. I'm very OBSESSED. They're the best music I've ever seen. Jambalaya all the way! Jambalaya, Jambalaya, Jambalaya, Jambalaya lives! [BLEEP!]

M

This is for the guy who called in and said that DJs are as talented or even more talented than any guitarist musician. I'd like to see that guy say that to Kirk Hammett of Metallica or, for that matter, Zak Wilde of Black Label Society, because it took me four goddamn years to get down "Master of Puppets," the entire song without the solo. I'd like to see a DJ put together some shit like that. You don't see no goddamn DJs sitting there spinning electronic tunes that he made in his basement over the weekend at Woodstock now, do they? Jimi Hendrix forever! [BLEEP!]

F

What the hell is up with all you people in Montreal? All you've been doing for the past couple of weeks is bitching about the horrible DJs in Montreal. If you're so tired of it then go out, buy yourself a turntable and make your own fucking music. It's not hard. Did you stop and think that maybe--just maybe--it's not the DJs that suck but that it's just not your musical styling? So stop complaining, buy yourself a 12-inch record, a turntable, a nice LITTLE HAT and FLASHY GLASSES, get a gig in a club and make your own fucking music and stop complaining. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M

This is for the girl who was talking about the party that was supposed to go on last week, that was all about psychedelic trance, supposed to be an alternative for the cheesy DJ scene in Montreal. Well, seriously, who the hell do you think you are? I went there and everything was all supposed to be oh-so-fluorescent spiritual but actually everything was made out of KLEENEX. The DJs were called Son of Mankind and were thinking they were like the gods of Shalom. Montreal used to be known for the real true acid artists and this makes really no sense whatsoever. Better luck next time. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, I'm new in town and I'd like to know if anyone can tell me where there's a Britpop night in a club. Like, indie rock, Britpop, Manchester, you know? Also, I don't like glam, so if anyone is calling about glam music mixed with Britpop, I prefer the SCOOTER BOYS to the jealous glam types. Thanks. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, this has nothing to do with the music scene but is there any kind of outdoors club in Montreal? I'm bored out of my frickin' mind and I haven't met anyone who likes doing things outdoors. Actually moving and not just taking drugs--not that drugs are bad, but you know what I'm saying. I'm bored. My buddies are bums so I'm craving outdoor activity, man, like hardcore outdoor shit. If anyone knows what I'm talking about, get back to me. Cool. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F

Yeah, this is for that idiot who was wondering what skinheads and white supremacists and Nazis eat. Who gives a fuck? Basically, in my opinion, they all eat DICK. [BLEEP!]

M

You want to know what supremecists eat, motherfucker? We eat PUSSY! White pussy. For breakfast, for lunch and for dinner. White men like white pussy and we get a lot of it. That's right, asshole. Pussy likes strong, proud white men, and strong, proud, white men like pussy. Later. [BLEEP!]

M

This message is for Eileen Menagh, Montreal's Figure Skating president. She called figure skating extreme. I totally disagree with that. Figure skating is a dying baby boomer sport. Try going at 60 kilometres per hour, throwing a rodeo 900 switch. That's extreme. Figure skating isn't. I'm out. [BLEEP!]

F

Yes, it's 1:30 in the morning right now and there's a huge blazing fire next door to my house. I just wanna say that there's about 100 SEXY FIREMEN out front and they are so kind. They're helping all these little old ladies and I just wanna say how much I appreciate those firemen. God bless them. I just brought them a four litre thing of water and I honestly wish I could do something more. Do you know what I mean? God bless the sexy firemen. Woo hoo! [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. This is Jack. I just read about the Diaper Man in Montreal showing off and bragging. Well, I'm the NEW Diaper Man, okay, and I take it seriously, too. This other Diaper Man, he seems to be an amateur. I like baby food, I like being spanked and I like all the attention I can get. So, Diaper Man, I'm challenging you to the Diaper Crown. Now, this is Jack calling you, okay? All right, I'm waiting to hear from you. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum