Imperfect peace by JULIET WATERS There are many books and Web sites for single parents with advice on time management, dealing with and escaping poverty, loneliness, finding babysitters etc. But one thing I never expected and was never really prepared for was a kind of sterile, oppressive calm that I guess some people call peace. Some of this will no doubt disappear when Ben learns how to talk. But the conflict between us will never be the same as the kind of conflict created by a bunch of people living under one roof: forging alliances and launching, escaping and surrendering to ongoing campaigns of intimate terrorism. The way of life that some people call family. There was a time when the dysfunctions of my childhood and adolescence took on this rosy nostalgic glow. I worried that Ben might be damaged by growing up in a placid environment, like the way they're now saying that all these antibacterial cleansers are ruining children's immune systems because they aren't being exposed to enough germs. I remembered reading about a Harvard study of children who grew up in families where there was constant bickering. Contrary to what researchers expected, they found that these children were significantly more creative than children who grew up in "healthy families." I deduced from this that children who grew up in peaceful homes became accountants. At first I dealt with these fears by watching The Bold and the Beautiful. Unconsciously, perhaps, I thought Ben and I might be able to live vicariously through the adventures of a toddler named little Eric, who's had five different parents since birth: two mothers who are sisters, one of whom seems to have kidnapped Eric from the other as part of a ploy to trap her boyfriend into marriage; three fathers--a white-trash rapist, a club owner, a fashion industry heir--and still counting. But eventually I started getting used to this peace thing. More and more I have this growing feeling of autonomy. I'm starting to realize how much energy is consumed by the battles of family life, and I'm starting to feel like I have all this extra emotional energy for myself and Ben. I'm actually beginning to see the attraction of living as an enlightened, uncontested matriarch for the next 20 years. The common stereotype of the single mother is that her life is crazy, out of control and constantly on the verge of nervous breakdown. Of course there are women who are in desperate circumstances, who for whatever reason can't cope, who need and deserve support. And I don't want to take any focus away from those parents who need help. At the same time, I hate adding to the stigmatization of single parenthood. There are many single parents who, once they get through the turbulent first year or two, say their lives are much happier and productive than when they were living with the other parent. Just visit a couple of single parent Web sites and read their stories. Many people will argue with me on this point, but I'm increasingly convinced that single parenthood is not necessarily worse than any other kind of parenthood. Especially in Montreal, where rents, though getting higher, are still not outrageous. Where affordable daycare is difficult to get, but possible. And where, because of the low marriage rate, there are probably more single parents than anywhere in the world. For many Montrealers single parenthood just has a different set of challenges and rewards. This said, I still get a little freaked out by the calm--it just doesn't feel healthy sometimes. So I try to remember this advice from Ariel Gore, editor of the zine Hip Mama: "If there's one thing I've learned about mothering it's that there are a million ways to raise good kids, and none of them is perfect." Write me at julwat@videotron.ca "I, Single Mum" will appear monthly